“Jihyun, I want to break up.”

 

Silence ensues.

 

The clock on the wall to the left ticks patiently.

 

Jihyun’s eyes are boring into Jongin’s.

 

Disbelief. Confusion. Hurt.

 

It quickly vanishes, disappearing down a whirlwind of cold slush.

 

“No.”

 

Jongin is bewildered.

 

“No. We’ve been this far.”

 

Jongin doesn’t understand.

 

“SIX. YEARS.”

 

She steps closer to him.

 

“No. You can’t. You just can’t.”

 

He tries to calm her.

 

“Jihyun… I’m sorry. I really am… This is wrong of me--”

 

“Who is it?”

 

Jongin looks up in surprise.

 

There is a glint in her eyes.

 

“Tell me who is it?”

 

“Please leave now.”

 

She stops and looks straight into Jongin’s eyes.

 

“This is not the end. I will find out.”

 

Then, she is gone, door slamming and all, and Jongin is sitting on the floor, slightly out of breath and in shock.

 

The next morning starts out as usual.

 

Jongin gets out of bed at 8:00AM, and he makes his way towards the window.

 

He was expecting it, and there it was.

 

The pink post-it was fluttering innocently outside his window.

 

He pulls open the window, the late winter chill leaving faint goosebumps on his skin, and pulls it off his window pane.

 

Work hard and come back soon.

 

Sincerely,

Do Kyungsoo

 

Jongin smiles faintly, in memory of old times.

 

Text message interrupts.

 

Baekhyun-sunbae: YAH, Oh Sehun, you better not be late to work today. Boss is ing pissed. Looks like somebody spit in his coffee… >.>

 

He types a reply.

 

Me: Guess it’s time to run to the bus station… T_T

 

Do Kyungsoo is curled up in his closet, the darkness pressing in on him from all sides.

 

He trembles and crouches closer to the back of the wall.

 

The footsteps come closer.

 

There is a voice calling for him in hushed tones.

 

Do Kyungsoo doesn’t want to go. He knows bad things will happen if he leaves his spot.

 

The footsteps are coming closer.

 

Kyungsoo’s breath hitches.

 

There is a moment of stillness.

 

Then, the door is opened, light flooding in and revealing his location.

 

A hand reaches for him.  

 

He screams.

 

Kyungsoo jolts awake, the harsh breathing pounding hard against his ribcage.

 

He fumbles for the thick pad of post-its.

 

After a while, peace instills in him again.

 

Dear Jongin,

 

The dreams and the panic attacks have been getting worse…

 

Everything’s happening too quickly.

 

Jongin, what am I supposed to do?

 

I’m scared to tell you the truth, but I know that one day, you will find out.

 

I hope that day never comes.

 

I have to hold on. I have to hold on. I have to hold on.

 

Why? Why did it happen to me, Jongin?

 

Please find me,
Do Kyungsoo

 

This pink slip of paper and the one from last time is hidden away.

 

Do Kyungsoo hides them in an envelope, and keeps it underneath the mattress of his bed.

 

It’s going to be his secret.

 

His secret notes to Kim Jongin.

 

Jongin is back.

 

Do Kyungsoo waits for him on the fire escape, and he comes, climbing up the stairs and plopping down besides him.

 

“So how was your day?”

 

Do Kyungsoo blushes at the nonchalant question.

 

“It was fine. What about yours?”

 

“Nothing much. The usual.”

 

Kim Jongin grins at him and ruffles his hair.

 

Kyungsoo feels the blush coming on harder, and he tries to look away.

 

“I think there’s still some time left… so, Kyungsoo, where do you want to go today?”

 

“I don’t know… You choose,” he mumbles.

 

Jongin insists. “Come on, there’s got to be somewhere you want to go with me.”

 

Kyungsoo thinks for a moment.

 

“The movies.”

 

A few hours later, Kyungsoo decides he is a terrible decision-maker.

 

Sitting in the darkness, staring at a huge screen where a man was in the middle of a frightening action scene, and brushing against Jongin’s arm multiple times by accident was an absolutely terrible idea.

 

But Jongin is leaning towards the screen, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape, so Do Kyungsoo knows he can endure it.

 

After all, discovering what he likes and dislikes is only part of his new experience by venturing out into the world.

 

Back from the movies, Jongin is sitting next to Kyungsoo on the fire escape, word after word, tumbling from his lips.

 

“Kyungsoo, remember when the guy ran across the street, but he got hit by the white truck? OH MY GOSH, HE IS SO STUPID. HOW COULD HE BE SO STUPID? DIDN’T HIS MOTHER TEACH HIM TO LOOK AT THE LIGHT BEFORE HE CROSSES THE STREET? OH MY GOD, I SWEAR I COULD’VE PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE. LIKE, WHAT ARE THE OTHERS SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN HE’S GONE? THIS DUMB PIECE OF--”

 

Kyungsoo laughs softly.

 

Jongin is hot in the face.

 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that…”

 

“No, it’s cool.”

 

He finds himself growing attached to Jongin and the small things he do.

 

For a moment, there is nothing but the declining sound of cars driving down the road and the gentle whoosh that comes with the fall of night.

 

And the atmosphere is calmer and more still.

 

“Jongin, tell me what you’re afraid of.”

 

Kyungsoo has his fingers tightened on the bars.

 

“I’m afraid of a lot of things…”

 

“Like what?”

 

“I’m afraid of bugs and other creepy crawlies.”

Jongin grins sheepishly, his wisps of hair brushing his forehead.

 

“Really?” Kyungsoo stares at him.

 

Jongin shoots him a warning glare. “Yah, don’t judge.”

 

“I’m not! … What else?”

 

“Well, I’m scared of dying… And of rejection…

 

I’m also scared of helplessness.”

 

There is a fleeting moment of vulnerability that dashes across his face.

 

He turns slightly to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes quietly.

 

“I’m especially scared of that moment when something terrible is happening… And i’m standing there, the wind is blowing, and I can do absolutely nothing.”

 

Jongin’s eyes are lost.

 

Kyungsoo is clinging on.

 

Then there is an awkward cough, where Jongin feels an icky feeling of uncomfortableness at revealing a secret, and Kyungsoo finds the welcoming warmth of a hand, fastens his hold on it, and squeezes in a reassuring grip.

 

“I have bad fears too.”

 

Kyungsoo’s voice is a soft whisper in a breath.

 

“I’m afraid of people… Especially when they touch me. When they grab me or they push me, I feel a sick dread… A sick dread that there will be pain.

 

I’m more scared of pain.

 

Pain is something I am always aware of.”

 

Kyungsoo is comforted by Jongin’s even breathing, the slow rising and falling of his chest.

 

“There are different kinds of pain.

 

Some pains are merely physical, like the cracking of bones or the forming of bruises. It hurts, but it is definitely bearable, to some degree.

 

There is also the pain of emotions, like being on the receiving end of a betrayal or standing there while someone hurts you with words. There is a tightening in the chest and an ugly shame that seeps through the skin. It’s like...being a balloon and slowly deflating, the air rushing out.

 

Then there is a numbing pain that is indescribable. It’s something that feels like there is a gaping hole right here (Kyungsoo points to the left side of his chest.) and I’m seeing but not really seeing. Someone has pulled out my electrical cord, and there is no energy. It’s like I’m not really there. It’s like I’m living in an empty dream. I’ve lost all feeling. I--”

 

Jongin is hugging him.

 

Kyungsoo has never been hugged before or encased so gently in a pair of arms.

 

He breaths in Jongin’s deep scent, nose pressed against shirt, eyes squeezed shut.

 

“Jongin--”

 

“Shhh.”

 

They stay that way for a while longer, and Kyungsoo hopes to carve this moment among the very few good ones in his memory.

 

Jihyun rings the door to Jongin’s apartment, but no one answers.

 

She wonders why he isn’t home.

 

It’s pretty late at night already, 9:37pm.

 

Where could he be?

 

She finds his spare key hidden under the corner of his doormat.

 

With furrowed eyebrows and pursed lips, she steps through the door and turns on the lights.

 

Standing in the middle of his room, Jihyun discovers that Jongin is not home.

 

Therefore, he is somewhere else.

 

He is somewhere, at this moment, with somebody.

 

Somebody that she is very determined to find.

 

 

---

 

As much as I hate boring filler chapters, this probably one of those. .____________.

However, maybe not, because every chapter develops the story… but yeah, whateverrrrrr.

 

MORE KAISOO FLUFFFF (HIP HIP HORRAY) but I guess it’s time I added on the angst tag.

This is definitely getting more angsty.

 

hope you enjoyed it though c: