[before Jongin leaves in the last chapter]

 

Kim Jongin loses himself in the string of words and future memories.

 

He looks over at Kyungsoo who was already dozing lightly, his soft hair brushing his cheek.

 

I shouldn’t be ashamed to do this. Jongin convinces himself that this wasn’t wrong. He’ll clear things up with Jihyun, and everything will be okay.

 

Kyungsoo will never have to find out.

 

But he’s always wanted to eat ice cream with Do Kyungsoo, a subconscious blush crawls upwards.

 

“I’ll be back really quick.” Jongin whispers out loud. A blue post-it is left on the window.

 

When he’s back, Jongin has two cones of ice cream.

 

“Sorry,” he ducks his head sheepishly.

 

Kyungsoo only laughs at him.

 

“I’ve haven’t eaten this for years actually,” Kyungsoo admits.  

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Kyungsoo brushes the bad feelings from earlier on away.

 

Hours later, after soft voices and endless stories, Jongin looks up.

 

“It’s getting kind of late, Kyunggie.”

 

Kyungsoo’s face falls subtly. He doesn’t say anything, but he continues to hold on to Jongin’s sleeve.

 

Jongin seems to realize.

 

“We always have to venture out into new places… But home will be home, and at the end of the day, home is where we need to be.”

 

Jongin looks at Kyungsoo.

 

“There’s one thing you should never forget though. Tomorrow is always going to be new day.”

 

Do Kyungsoo still hasn’t spoken a single word.

 

Kim Jongin slowly withdraws his arm, and Kyungsoo lets him. The warmth seems to disperse, and Kyungsoo finally realizes the weight of the cold night.

 

Jongin touches him once more, and then he’s gone.

 

Kyungsoo misses him already.

 

 

There was so much more he wanted to say, to reveal.

 

Kim Jongin still didn’t know anything about him, and he still wants to know more about the woman on the phone.

 

But his parted lips only create cloudy puffs of heated air in the cold.

 

 

That night Do Kyungsoo has a nightmare, the kind that leaves you panting and sweating, wide awake, at 4:00AM.

 

It was a dream of thundering footsteps and sharp voices, desperate screams and hard slaps against skin.

 

Kyungsoo remembers it all, the looming figure over him and the eyes filled with an unknown anger.

 

But he doesn’t know why.

 

Fifteen years later, and he still didn’t understand why.

 

The blankets were hot and stuffy. Kyungsoo couldn’t fall asleep again.

 

The darkness was too silent and there was a fear that sent tiny prickles down his spine. He couldn’t see.

 

Finally, the lights were flickered on.

 

With a startling thought, he realized that he himself had reached over and pressed the button.

 

He sat there.

 

Then he was holding a thick pad of pink post-its in his left hand, a sturdy, sharpened pencil in his right.

 

Dear Kim Jongin,

 

I know that I’m a coward. A coward who doesn’t know how to get over his own fears.

 

The truth is, I stay at home all day. All twenty-four hours of the seven days of a week.

When I needed something, I ordered it.

I never went outside.

 

You were the first time I left my comfort zone.

 

I still remember the thrill of stepping down the stairs on my fire escape.

 

And I still remember seeing you for the first time.

Someone strong I could lean on. Someone I could hold on to. Someone who would be there.

 

And no, I don’t regret.

 

But what can I do, I’m still afraid. No, I’m terrified.

 

Meeting you means that I must go back and face the world again. Being selfish and keeping you with me is not an option.

 

I don’t know what to do.

 

Jongin, please help me.

 

I need you.

 

-Do Kyungsoo

 

Of course, Do Kyungsoo would absolutely never in his life give this to Kim Jongin.

 

He sighs.

 

He’s about to rip it up, but he...couldn’t...

 

The tiny sliver of hope he had stored away in that slip of paper was too valuable to simply throw away.

 

He sticks it into one of the pages of his sketchbook.

 

By now it was 6AM, and Do Kyungsoo considers writing an actual note to Kim Jongin that he would have the guts to put on his window.

 

But before he could move, there was the sound of a doorbell, and Do Kyungsoo freezes.

 

This was unusual.

 

His eyebrows furrow deeper and his fingers reach out towards the doorknob.

 

The doorbell rings again, and Do Kyungsoo flinches.

 

He peers through the peephole, and Kim Jongin is standing there with a slight grin on his face.

 

Do Kyungsoo’s eyes widen in surprise, and the door is opened.

 

“Get dressed. We’re going to the zoo.”

 

Kim Jongin’s smile is too bright to ignore, and Do Kyungsoo tells himself that it’s going to alright.

 

Everything’s going to be alright.

 

Half and hour later, Do Kyungsoo has thrown on a plain white long sleeved shirt and a pair of faded jeans that he found after scouring through the back of his old closet.

 

He slips on his old pair of converses that he usually used when he was walking around on the fire escape.

 

He hesitates, eyeing the pink parka Jongin gave him about a month ago.

 

Kyungsoo decides it doesn’t matter and he puts it on, the pink fluffiness engulfing his smaller size.

 

When he’s finally ready, Kim Jongin ruffles his hair in excitement and grabs his hand.

 

Do Kyungsoo likes the way it feels in his palm and how the slender fingers were wrapped around his.

 

“Nice choice.” Jongin comments.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Your jacket.” He grins again.

 

Do Kyungsoo senses that Kim Jongin is in a good mood today, and he too feels lighter too.

 

But as they near the lobby doors, Do Kyungsoo feels a bit unsteady. This was his first time going outside for a long time.

 

His grip on Jongin’s hand tightens.

 

His heart seems to throttle faster, but his steps aren’t slowing at all.

 

Kyungsoo begins to feel a bit as if he’s out of control from his body.

 

He allows Jongin to lead him.

 

His first step outside.

 

The faint sunlight feels a bit surreal at ground-level. The cold wind is numbing his fingers.

 

He remembers this type of scene from a long time ago.

 

Everything seems “bigger.”

 

Kyungsoo stops.

 

He watches as the people pass by, some with little whining children and others with rowdy friends.

 

Some of them were walking with their boyfriends or girlfriends, and some were walking alone.

 

Some of them were walking briskly, staccato steps, and others were strolling with long strides in multiple different directions.

 

This wasn’t so bad.

 

He feels a slight tug on his arm, and his eyes wander back to Jongin, who was looking at him a bit weirdly.

 

“I was just...distracted.” Kyungsoo explains, as they continue walking again.

 

“You’re cute.” Jongin says all of a sudden.

 

Kyungsoo’s heart leaps forward again.

 

Today was a rather exciting day.

 

The zoo was one of the best things Kyungsoo had experienced.

 

He almost doesn’t mind the judging glances from the mothers or the loud noisy questions from the children like, “MOMMY, why are those two men holding hands??”

 

But at least he got to see the monkeys and the owls and the tigers and the lions.

 

Best of all, the warmth of Jongin’s hand never left his.

 

“Jongin, do you know why those lions are always sleeping?” Kyungsoo looks up at Jongin, his large eyes sparkling.

 

Jongin thinks for a bit. “No.”

 

“Lions usually hunt at night, so they sleep during the day,” Kyungsoo focus is back on the lions.

 

“But...how do you know that?”

 

“You don’t believe me?” Kyungsoo turns back to him, his stare is almost a bit scary.

 

“No, I believe you but…”

 

“Jongin, I read books,” Kyungsoo teases him. “Do you read?”

 

Jongin blushes and doesn’t say anything else.

 

Kyungsoo realizes the confidence that had grown with Jongin through the day.

 

He was still scared of the big world, but with Jongin there by his side, there was less to be afraid of.

 

It stirred slowly inside of him, like a growing infant.

 

Resurrection, for him, wasn’t going to happen in one day.

 

It might take months or even years, but Kyungsoo wanted this.

 

He would fight.

 

No longer was he going to sit on the bench, but this time, he would stand up.

 

Standing up on uneasy legs was better than nothing at all.

 

If Jongin was his crutches, then he could make it happen. The broken bone could heal.

 

Kyungsoo had to try.

 

At the end of the day, they’re sitting on the fire escape again, and Kyungsoo has settled a determination inside of him.

 

“Jongin….. Tell me about your family…”

 

“My…family?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, um, I’m an only child, so my parents are kind of overprotective.”

 

“Really? How?”

 

“Uhhh, like one time in high school, my friends and I decided we wanted to try skydiving. We were all eighteen, so it was okay… And it was really fun, actually. We stayed there for a day, and holy sh*t, I used up about two-thirds of my college fund from diving again and again. My parents weren’t so happy about that.”

 

Jongin chuckles lightly, his eyes reminiscing.

 

Kyungsoo gapes in shock.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Yeah, well, I was grounded for six months--it was going to be a year-- and they had someone track everything I do...like a stalker.”

 

Kyungsoo takes a minute to let all of this settle in.

 

“What about now? You live alone, don’t you?”

 

“Yeah, I kind of...ran away. I told them that I was going to drop out of college and take a job, but that just started a huge arguement and I moved out and came here.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Jongin pauses.

 

“What about you?”

 

“W-what?”

 

“Tell me about yours.”

 

“My family?”

 

“What else?” Jongin playfully rolls his eyes.

 

“My family’s fine. Normal.”

 

“That’s great then. They’re fine with you living alone?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Cool. Wish my parents were more like yours.”

 

Kyungsoo bites his lips. No you don’t.

 

“Jongin, do you still like to dance?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Kyungsoo feels the heated blood rush to his face as he opens his mouth, “Can you dance for me?”

 

There is a quiet silence in which Kim Jongin stares hesitantly into Do Kyungsoo’s eyes, and for the first time, Kyungsoo sees a hint of vulnerability and something deeper.

 

Kim Jongin doesn’t respond, but he stands up.

 

“Wait, what about the music?”

 

“Do Kyungsoo, can you sing?”

 

“N-no, I definitely can’t.”

 

“Try.”

 

“No, I’m terrible. You’re probably better.”

 

“Your voice is beautiful. Kyungsoo, please, can you sing?”

 

“I…”

 

Finally, he complies, and Kyungsoo’s voice cracks on the first note and perhaps it cracked on the second verse too; but suddenly, Jongin begins to move, and all is left forgotten.

 

When Jongin dances, Kyungsoo thinks he sees someone flying, floating away into the clouds. There are no restriction or bonds holding him back, but instead, a lightness that leaves him slightly out of breath and full of energy. Jongin’s body is moving; it is a shape that changes almost fluidly. Liquid steps. A head that nods along to the tempo. A light that shines in his eyes. Jongin dancing on the fire escape. Kyungsoo is singing along with him. Jongin leads the way. Kyungsoo follows.

 

When Jongin dances, Kyungsoo wants to fly away with him.

 

Soon, it’s time for Jongin to leave again, and Kyungsoo really doesn’t want him to go.

 

“Promise.”

 

Jongin looks at him in confusion. “Promise what?”

 

“Promise that there will be a next time.”

 

The smile that follows dazzles Kyungsoo.

 

“Of course there’ll be a next time… There’s always a next time.”

 

Jongin returns to his apartment, and there’s someone waiting for him.

 

“Jihyun,” he says.

 

“I was waiting for you all afternoon,” she glares. “And you wouldn’t even pick up your phone? Where the hell were you?”

 

“It was a Saturday, Ji. I was out with friends.” Jongin sighs.

 

“What about yesterday? You just freaking left me, and you didn’t answer my calls. When you answered, your friend picked up. What the hell?”

 

“Friend?” Jongin looks up.

 

“Yeah, a friend. Or were you with someone else?”

 

Jongin doesn’t want to lie.

 

“Nevermind. Look….Jihyun. It’s good that you came. I need to tell you something.”

 

“What is it?”

“Jihyun, I want to break up.”

 

 

---

extremely sorry for this long and cruddy chapter T_________T 2057 freaking words. omg.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

hopefully, it isn't as bad as I believe it is. It probably is.

and sorry for not updating last week too. I was really busy these last two weeks D:

anyways, comments are always loved. ♥