Soohyun has seen it all. From the homeless to those who lived in luxury, he never understood why they sometimes switched places and inadvertently ruined his mood. Henry wasn’t some beggar who wasted his life on drinks and drugs and despite Soohyun’s constant remarks, the third week in which Henry missed work proved to be for the same goddamn reason: Daniel.

The place was a mess, worse than when Jinyoung used him like a rag. Clothes and empty containers everywhere, a stench of rotten food, piss and sweat making even someone with a strong stomach like him want to flee the scene. In the middle of all stood Henry, flicking through channels only in his sweatpants and munching on a piece of pizza. Henry’s stubble became obvious as he got closer, wondering why in the world was he doing that to himself. Leaving the box he carried from the car on the coffee table, Soohyun took away the pizza and remote, glaring at his pathetic little brother.

“What the heck are you doing? This place stinks, are you a pig?!”

“I may be,” Henry dully replied while picking another piece of pizza, biting lifeless and making Soohyun use the pizza he had been holding as Henry’s new hat.

“Get a maid, you have enough money. And move your back to work before dad says something!”

“Like I’d care,” he took the pizza off his head and glared back at his brother with ketchup staining his black locks “ off, I bought this place from you, remember?”

“You have to let it go already. It’s been three goddamn weeks!”

“ OFF!”

Henry threw both pizzas straight over Soohyun’s pristine suit. The man had enough, jumping forward and punching his brother straight in the face. To his disappointment, Henry didn’t react at all, merely glaring harder at him and trembling with anger.

“Know what? You deserve it you ing . You play the good guy when you’re the worst of them all.”

“Look who’s talking,” Henry snorted, too close to spitting in his brother’s face, too close to punching him back, “the Good Samaritan that made me like this, made me attend those ing parties just because you were too busy banging a elsewhere.”

“IT WAS YOUR FAULT,” Soohyun screamed in his face, hands clutched to Henry’s shoulders “You shouldn’t have accepted the deal in the first place. You knew very well that father wouldn’t have forced you to do anything.” He let go, boiling from the fact that his brother was no longer the one staring at him but a carcass of the boy he once wanted to protect, “You were always his favorite.”

“And that is supposed to make me feel better how?” Henry kicked his brother, shoving at his side and pushing him away “Get out! ing get out already, I don’t want to see you anymore!”

Soohyun tried to keep the same glare, only to fail seconds later. The way his orbs warmed up and carved worry mixed with a feeling of rejection, hurt by his own brother, made even Henry be aware of his surroundings. He really was living like a pig.

“I found this in the car, I'm returning it to you...,” he pointed at the box, patting its top “…please stop this nonsense and return to work.”

He left as fast as he came, with another round of curses for his ruined suit. It was his favorite one too.

Henry came closer to the box, recognizing the patches of ripped pattern still glued to the boxes’ walls. Gently, he took the lid off and found Daniel’s Christmas gift in there.

Of course, he had forgotten about it. Henry never took it back from his brother’s rented car and to find it again at that moment seemed like destiny was once more showing how much of a it had always been with him.

He ripped the colorful paper, afraid he might not want to see his present after all that time.

It was all he had left from Daniel, other than the memories.

---

One year passed. One year since Dongwoo left for army and Donghae for Europe, since Henry took the new job and Jinyoung started on his new dream, one year since Daniel healed. It was early summer, flowers blooming everywhere, particularly on a spindle tree, lonely inside a familiar courtyard. Daniel never thought he’d see it again and not beautiful like that, remembering all the great things that happened in his life.

As unfair as it is, life shall always be something none of them could fully control. Yes, bad things happen, horrible things nobody wanted to remember, just like Daniel put aside Sungyeol’s death and focused instead on all the great things that happened before. Their film didn’t burn yet and Daniel was happy to layer their past selves over the courtyard, joking around the spindle tree and then chuckle when the other compared him to that plant. He let go of the fence and continued his way to the ‘garage’, as he called it, where he lived with his current boyfriend and the source of his distress.

Henry asked him one night what was the meaning of life and Daniel couldn’t answer him. He said instead how nobody in that world was able to have a life built only of positive energy for everybody experienced at one point sadness or fury, if not both at the same time. Henry amazed him when he confidently told Daniel they could find it together, that mythical flawless life nobody experienced. They could find it together, the elixir of a balanced relationship and last for eternity.

It was kind of childish, he thought at first, kind of impossible.

Then again, it was another challenge Daniel had to face before he’d die of old age. After passing away, he knew there was an island out there he could swim to and maybe finally climb and rest with all the knowledge he had gained during lifetime, share stories with those who had long reached the island before him and overall, have no regrets.

He no longer wanted to live without trying everything and anything his heart desired.

---

“I’m going to tell my parents about me,” Henry stopped slurping on his soup that morning, blinking curiously at Daniel “and about us. I’m going to tell them everything.”

“Are you sure about that?”

It was still a taboo subject, a man loving another man and a woman loving another woman. Same gender preferences weren’t something they chose. It just happened and as Henry knew well, he also just happened to fall in love with the creature named Daniel and his charms.  Before that, with the monster that turned out only to be human that was Jinyoung and long before the two, a beautiful girl named Amber he never got the chance to confess to even to that day. It was not that he’d do it right then, it was already too late, and he couldn’t picture his life without Daniel by his side.

“I’m very sure,” their fingers brushed, hands fitting perfectly together “I want them to know.”

“I’ll be there for you,” he grasped at Daniel’s hand, caressing it with his thumb “don’t worry.”

---

For the 5^th time that evening, Daniel checked his watch. After, he checked his phone and back again at the watch to make sure the hours matched. His mother had done the same, checking the clock on the wall and tending to the freesias in a crystalline vase. The second man in the room seemed to be on other side, already losing his patience and for once, wishing they would know him as a temperamental fellow instead of the calmest one of the Ahn family.

“He’s going to come soon, I’m sure of it,” Daniel apologized again in front of his parents, “he’s probably stuck in traffic or in the meeting.”

“Look, Niel-ah,” the father finally spoke up “if there’s something wrong, then you should tell us.”

“No, it’s nothing...,” his fingers curled in his palm over his knees, wanting to hit himself for trusting Henry again “…he’s always late these days. I’ll wait some more.”

“Well, we can’t,” the woman came closer, her hand gently going down Daniel’s back. “Really honey, is there something wrong? Is school alright? What about work? Do you want to move back with us? Because you know you won’t be a burden.”

“I’m okay, really,” he smiled at his mother, trying to lie his way like he always had “guess I’ll just have to see you guys another time.”

“Want to stay for dinner?”

Daniel got up, bowing in front of both.

“I’m going to take dinner with some colleagues, I’m good.”

“Wait!” the mother jumped near him, clasping her hands together “Let me pack you some kimchi!”

“Ah, you don’t have to!”

She wouldn’t listen to him and he didn’t think it would happen otherwise. The eldest of the three rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Your mother, really… she’s so stubborn.” A small smile crept on his face, widening the wrinkles around his mouth and over his forehead.

Daniel no longer smiled like that when thinking of Henry, even if the feeling was still there.

---

For one year, Henry came back home in the middle of the night, often smelling of alcohol. Daniel got used to it. The rare days when Henry was free, he chose to spend them with Daniel. If only it was for the entire day and not a couple of hours, being called even on holidays back at work or to participate in affairs Daniel didn’t understand well. Henry seemed to know more about economics and business that he ever let Daniel see during the period they dated and it made him wonder exactly who Henry Lau was.

He found out on the course of that year that his brother’s fancy suits and fancy everything were part of the family.

Henry was rich.

Filthy rich.

So rich, Daniel couldn’t comprehend. It also made sense why he never let him pay for rent and why Henry always seemed to have some money stashed somewhere, even if he had never seen him work. It also beat his loan shark hypothesis, which stuck with him after Donghae confessed the reason he got a beat on the streets of Seoul.

It shouldn’t have bothered him, yet it did. Henry left that kind of lifestyle not long before they met and admitted he never thought he’d return there but circumstances dictated otherwise.

Daniel got used to it. He got used to the empty side of the bed, got used to dinners taken alone or only with colleagues, got used to hearing Henry’s voice only on the phone or in his head when reading his messages.

Even those faded with time.

Sure, he still loved him and that couldn’t possibly fade in an instant, yet Daniel wondered whether Henry thought the same. He wondered whether Henry loved him or if he already got married to his job; a job he hated anyway and was doing it out of obligation. Daniel wanted to hate on somebody or something but there was no use in becoming that kind of person; he wasn’t about to be the one to deny the real culprits.

He shall continue to wait and wait until Henry finished his work, continue socialize with other people and do his own job.

Sure, it was becoming rather lonely, as lonely as the spindle tree he saw that day while returning from his parents’ house with Henry once again not giving a sign of attending. He wanted to tell them that he was gay, wanted them to know the son they adopted had betrayed them in such a despicable way, yet couldn’t do it without Henry.

He couldn’t do a single thing without Henry.

Yes, Daniel had fallen once more in the hole he barely crawled out of, that of desolation and forever wanting to depend on someone.

He hated it.

What could he do? Everything would be fine in the end if he just waited some more is what he told himself during each passing day, during all the starless nights.

Everything would be alright if he waited some more.

The last straw came in the same summer time, in August, on his birthday.

Henry forgot about it and came home intoxicated as always.

Henry didn’t wish him a thing. Instead, he asked they make love like every other night.

Daniel foolishly pretended nothing happened the following day, acting the same, smiling just as kindly while helping the other get ready for work and scolding him for drinking too much and getting a headache, even if inside he could feel his heart bleeding.

After all, it was his duty to wait in the end, his duty to be Henry’s shoulder to cry on when nobody else could take the responsibility.

But what about him?

Where was his shoulder?

---

One week after his birthday, Henry came earlier. Daniel was the one tired for once, exhausted from working a full day’s shift and attending a seminary late in the evening.

He still stank of alcohol, making Daniel wonder how he could ingest so many drinks night after night. And for what purpose? That of pleasing his superiors?

That night was different. Daniel wanted to sleep, only sleep and nothing more, sleep everything away and escape in the dreamland he had pushed in the back of his mind one year before. He guessed it was time to revive it and let it help him go through the following weeks until Henry’s birthday in autumn. Daniel was sure a surprise party then could cheer both of them.

The now black haired man wrapped his arms around Daniel after entering the house and kissed him, repulsing his lover.

“You stink, wash your mouth first,” he told Henry who only mumbled and then shoved Daniel against the wall, kissing his lips with ardor. Daniel shoved him again, annoyed with Henry’s moods. “ off Lau, I want to sleep.”

“Shut up,” Henry pushed him against the wall again, pressing their bodies together as the stench of alcohol covered Daniel and made him sick to the stomach. “ me.” Henry cupped his chin, chuckling like a drunken fool. “I love those lips a lot down there.”

It wasn’t worth it.

The filthy man in front of him wasn’t worth it anymore.

“What about me?” Daniel shoved him again, hitting his chest constantly to keep some distance between the two. Henry didn’t want to give up too soon, irritated with the way Daniel rejected him. “I’m not a doll, Henry. What about what you told Dongwoo one year ago? That isn’t everything.”

Henry snorted, erupting in laughter. His head hang low, fingers going through Daniel’s hair.

“That was one year ago. I still need a good , don’t you feel the same?”

“No,” Henry wanted to kiss him again, playing with his shirt “Stop it!”

“I’m so frustrated Dani~” Henry cooed, his lips landing over Daniel’s neck “just tonight, okay? Please?”

“DON’T CALL ME DANI YOU PIG!”

The sound of skin over skin echoed throughout the small house. Daniel hyperventilated, with his hand red from slapping Henry. Wild hair strands covered part of his eyes, his chest growing heavier with each gulp. He touched it and his neck, going back and forth between the two while sliding down the wall and on the floor. He buried his face in his palms, trying to calm down.

The man stared down at Daniel, unsure of what he had done. He wiped his mouth and turned around, leaving him alone.

Daniel couldn’t breathe well.

It’s been one year and he thought he had gotten rid of his anxieties, yet he couldn’t breathe well.

Daniel was suffocating, having another panic attack after months of calmness. He crawled on all fours to the sofa, gasping for air, stretching his hand after the telephone. Not able to speak and not able to control his breathing anymore, he realized he couldn’t dial anybody.

He knew nobody else.

There was nobody that could save him.

There was nobody else out there for him.

He was all alone… surrounded by people yet alone.

A familiar scent made him gasp harder, two arms keeping him from falling face first over the floor.

“Shhh,” Henry whispered, his cheek pressed against Daniel’s back “I’m sorry… I’m sorry,” he repeated, arms tightened around his body “Breathe now, breathe…. Please Daniel, breathe.”

He couldn’t, no matter how many times Henry begged him.

In the end, the drunken man decided to call for help and, as much as he loathed admitting it, acknowledge he was the problem.

He was the one that promised Daniel the Sun and gave him the Moon instead, one cold celestial object that gradually froze their ties until they broke apart.

---

One more week after the incident, barely speaking to each other and barely exchanging glances, Henry took a day off and sat on the sofa near Daniel. The sound of music coming from the TV made Henry gain some courage and come closer.

“Let’s break up,” the way he soothingly spoke made even Daniel flinch, more from his tone than the proposal.

After five minutes of songs changing from a rapid beat to that of a suave waltz, Daniel lowered his gaze and found Henry's hands enticing, the same hands that once played a beautiful violin.

“That’s all you have to say?”

Henry got up from the sofa and with his back turned and his hands deep in his pockets, he tried not to make it obvious that his voice cracked a couple of times in his head and that he was on the verge of weeping from his own stupid, stupid, stupid idea.

“You can keep this place, I’ll just move elsewhere.” He wanted to leave but not before hearing Daniel telling him goodbye. He could feel his eyes making a hole in his back.

“I don’t want it,” Henry slowly turned around, the white from his eyes succumbing to a shade of red. “The place where we fell in love, the place we had our first kiss, the place we shared our first night…,” Daniel couldn’t smile anymore, not even for the sake of keeping a fake sense of pride. He had nothing left. “I don’t want it. I’ll move back with my parents, you can keep it.”

The boy left the sofa and the room, covering his mouth with his arm on the way of their bedroom. He had to pack that day or he’d never leave.

Henry on the other hand stared at the corner, hating the music coming from the TV, hating its cheerful message of love.

It was all for the best, wasn’t it?

He’d rather know Daniel was good somewhere than dying each day with him.

---

Discarding the colorful paper, he smiled again after three weeks of nothing but grimaces and crying over morning cartoons.

Daniel’s Christmas gift turned out to be a scrapbook. There were photos of them, small notes about their every moment together and other various things Henry once found absurd and now treasured more than gold.

On the very last page, after smiling non-stop, his smile disappeared again. Daniel really had a way with words, a way of making Henry break down in bitter tears and hold the scrapbook to his heart. It was for the best, it was so Daniel could smile the way Henry liked it: full of life and love, not because he had to hide his pain; the pain that Henry forced him to feel day after day.

'We met at the hospital where people go to heal,
then again at a place of love called home.
Even if we both were hurt by the past
and watch the future with hopeful eyes,
I want only the present I am building with you,
one brick at a time.

Merry Christmas Henry. Your Daniel ♥ '

5AM, tired ;__; last chapter tomorrow, 30 is gonna be a bonus chapter. Since everything started with Niel, it will end with him too, so sorry for the sudden change of POV. 

MY HANDS HURT ;A; thank you for reading orz and I saw new subbies, yey, sorry if you're reading this and I haven't thanked you. Some people sub to my stories that are available for everybody (no subs or members only), I thank them and they are no longer subbed the next day, so now I wait one-two days before I thank because omg, why the heck would anybody do that, don't give me false hope orz /late night rant/ byeeeeeeeeeeee