Entry 9

March 1, 2012

After I tagged along Jongin’s condo search, he ended up moving in to the same complex as mine. Somehow, he got the apartment directly next to mine as well. So in simpler terms, Jongin had officially become my neighbor. And guess who volunteered me to help him move in? Kim Jongdae.

He told me when I hung out him with him during our routinely cafe Wednesdays while I enjoyed my hot chocolate.

“Hey, I got you a gig.”

I laid down my mug and novel down. I could already feel my head begin to ache.

“It better involve books.”

He smiled widely and nodded happily. “Sort of. It involves moving books.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Close enough. I told Jongin you would help him move in.”

He was lucky I didn’t spill my beverage on him right then and there. Screw the $2.99 I spent on the drink, Jongdae just wasted a day of my life.

No one knows about my cancer. I decided not to tell a soul, so whenever I fainted or felt weak, I lied and said I had a cold. Which is exactly what I told Jongin when he asked.

“A cold doesn’t make you faint!”

“My colds are special.”

“Kyung-”

“My colds are special.”

And that was that.

Sometimes I like to pretend that I really do have a cold. I’ll go to the pharmacy and pick up some cough drops, cough syrup, and tissues then walk home.

I’ll even beg Minseok to cook porridge.

But after all that, I remember.  Oh yeah, I’m dying sometime within this year.

I don’t want anyone to worry about my funeral costs when I die. I’ve seen families scrape every penny they have- and it still isn’t enough. So I prepaid everything-even the flowers. Which explained my hefty bill to my bank account.

Minseok glanced and saw the 5 digit numbers then tsked.

“I know you like books, but this is too much!”

I nodded and shut down my laptop.

“There’s something wrong with him!”

“Jongin, Kyungsoo has always been weak. You of all people should know that.”

“This is different, Minseok. Don’t you notice? You live with him.”

“To be honest... yes. But Kyungsoo denies it. ‘It’s just a cold.’”

“Bull. If there is one thing I’m positive about, it is that Kyungsoo is a ing liar.”

“Yet you love this liar?”

“Yes. I’m an idiot for falling in love with a liar who only hurts me.”

I leaned my head against the wall. I could still remember Jongin’s and Minseok’s conversation clearly in my mind. It haunts me.

The conversation occurred at two in the afternoon, after I fainted while helping Jongin organize the cupboards. Jongin’s booming voice woke me up, they didn’t even notice my awakanece. I could have sworn he was crying the whole time.

My heart ached as his sobs reverberated throughout the room. I’m such a .

I’m closer to death. And while I hate to admit this, I can only hide these feelings for so long. I’m still in love with Kim Jongin and there is nothing I can do.