Entry 1

December 29, 2011

I am Do Kyungsoo and I have absolutely no idea why I am writing this right now. My friends tell me it’s because I am not over him but I’d like to differ. It’s my fault he left, and I have nothing against it. Absolutely nothing.

“You don’t even realize how much he meant to you, even after he left,” is what my buddy Kris always informs me when I consume my chocolate cereal. Cocoa puffs to be specific, not that it’s important.

“I really want to pity you Kyungsoo, but you make it hard,” is what my cousin Minseok tells me when I begin my daily routine with a lukewarm shower. I can’t stand the scalding hot nevertheless the cold, it has to be just right. Minseok always comments I should just bathe in cold since my heart is already frozen. Kris laughs but I don’t really understand what’s so funny.

“Do you even have a heart?” is what I ask myself everyday. My family and friends really make me question myself. They always have. Maybe they’re actually right, but then again, they’re idiots.

“You’re not over him, are you?”

I am over him. I constantly remind Jongdae as we visit the nearby cafe for our weekly coffee every Wednesday. I never quite knew why it had to be on a Wednesday. Jongdae says it’s cause Wednesdays is when Joonmyun has his shifts. I like to think it’s for the hot chocolate special.

“It’s been two years, of course I am over him. Why do you keep asking?” I refute, not because I’m frustrated this is the nth time he asks this question, but because I simply want to gossip about the contemporary novels I read that weekend.

It is then when Jongdae gave me, for once, adequate advice. I tuned in intently as I inhaled the aroma of dark chocolate swirled with mini marshmallows. It was intoxicating. It was fortunate that I memorized the guidance Jongdae presented me with.

So here I am, per se of Jongdae, typing down my sentiments into words. This is really trifling for me since I am accustomed to reading and analyzing, not jotting down. If anything, I would be scrutinizing and reviewing literature, not noting down something so minuscule as my emotions. But Jongdae mentioned this was how he got over Minseok, so I assume the results were positive basing on their current Tom and Jerry relationship.  

I’m unsure where to begin so I’ll start with my childhood. Since age 6, I've always been naturally fragile. Minseok accompanied me to my class everyday. There was never a day when I wouldn't hold a pudgy boy’s warm hand. That is one of the memories I cherish dearly: Minseok’s warm hands.

When I turned 11, my obsessive father finally allowed me to commute to and back from school, without Minseok. It was a change I've always desired when I noticed not many other adolescents had guardians to accompany them. Unless the one who was gripping their hand was a significant other and not their cousin.

It was short-lived, sadly. I was diagnosed with chronic myelogenous leukemia. It explained the fatigue, fevers, and loss of appetite. My father’s invisible leash was tighter than ever. Those were the toughest six years of my life. It was then when I developed my introvert personality.

When I first told people I had leukemia, they wished me well, then after a few weeks, they would stray away from me and never talk to me again. So I settled for secrecy when I transferred schools my sophomore year in high school due to my father’s promotion. His pay doubled so it wasn't so bad.

It was there where I met Kim Jongin.  If anyone were to describe Kim Jongin in 3 words, their words will go as followed: Charismatic, y, and Romantic. They were absolutely right yet equally as wrong at the same time. I learned it first hand.

Now that I think of it, the day I was announced ‘cancer-free’ was the same day I talked to Jongin. My chemotherapy had ended months before the transfer occurred, so I had a while to grow my hair. I dyed it red.

On the first day there, I met Jongdae and Kris. They immediately approached me and appointed me as the 3rd musketeer to their duo. The reason, verbatim, “Your hair is cool.”

I met my closest friends to this day because of my ‘cool’ hair.  It’s okay though, I think it is cool as well.

Anyhow, one might say it was fate that Jongdae just happened to be Jongin’s cousin. But, I don’t believe in such hoaxes. Only luck. It was luck that aided in the encounter between Jongin and me.

It started with a hello, the most basic greeting known to mankind. That one word was life changing by itself. It should’ve ended before it started.

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

“I like your hair, it’s cool.”

“I get that a lot.”

Ever since that moment, Jongin began socializing with us. Jongdae wasn’t fond of his cousin joining us in our weekly debates but he managed. Kris was captain of the debate team so he took advantage of our breaks and forced us to debate among each other.

“Homouality is purely a preference, why should  we judge others for their choice?”

After his final statement, we were all aware that Kris won the argument against Jongdae. Jongdae pouted, a sight unpleasing to the eye.

“It’s hard to argue against homoulaity when I’m gay myself...” he mustered as he intertwined his hands, glaring at Kris who was a proud heteroual.

Somehow this statement led to a discussion about my life. Which at the time was nonexistent.  

“Kyungsoo, how was your first time?”

It was Jongin who proposed the question. He eyes had an eagerness in them that I couldn’t control but admit the truth: “I’m a .”

Jongdae called me later that day and declared that Jongin had a crush on me. His words exactly: “So I was at his house and he had to pee. The idiot forgot his phone on the table, in plain sight, and so I grabbed it and he was texting his friend Sehun about how cute you are! He wants your , Kyungsoo.”

To say that his last sentence didn’t leave me blushing was an understatement.