Entry 11

April 17, 2012

Jongin knows. He knows. He knows that my cancer is back and I am going to perish soon.

I hated the look on his face when he found out.

“And you didn’t tell me? That’s why you left me two years ago?”

The tone in his voice pierced through my soul. I kept quiet. He simply sighed. “Are you going to runaway this time?”

“No,” I spoke up.

“Why? You have nowhere to run to this time?” he joked but I could see the pain within his eyes. The fact that I was the cause of this hurt scared me. How would it be like if he left me? Just the thought sends chills running down my back.

“I want to die with  you by my side. I’m sick of running away.”

I told the truth, a first for me. But Jongin deserves the truth, even if it’s late.

“...How long?”

“I’m lucky if I survive this fall.”

“Well from now on, you’ll be stuck to my side.”

He didn’t lie. The only times we separated were when we had work or to take a piss. He accompanied me to my cafe wednesday with Jongdae and even dealt with my long searches when I went to a bookstore.

He would wake me up with a kiss and a bowl of cocoa puffs. My favorite part however was when we’d cuddle after making love. Despite being tired, he’s never fail to remind me of everything.

“I didn’t cheat on you with Baekhyun. I only went over to his house to confront him about everything. He told me what you two had was only lust, nothing more nothing less. The reason why I was shirtless was because he spilled coffee on my shirt.”

“I know.”

“Everyone told me to end it with you after that, but I couldn’t. You’re mine, I can’t let you go.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry for everything Kyung. If I could fix it, I would.”

“I know.”

“I love you.”

“I know. I love you more.”

Still, life’s a .

There’d be moments when I would collapse and days when I swore were my last. Like the brilliant Euripides once said, “No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow.”

I’m just glad I survived yesterday. Today seems to be going well as well.

For all I know, this will be my last entry ever.

I began this as a way to cope with my depression, now I yearn for the small moments I have to sneak off and write my feelings.

Well, like any good old fairytale, I lived happily ever after with my prince, except we don’t grow old and rule a kingdom. At least my ending is not as sad as The Little Mermaid.

I know Jongin loves me, because right now all I hear is his shouting .

“Kyung! I love you! Come over here, I need your hug to feel warm.”

Have I ever mentioned how much he means to me?