This diary belongs to Lee Seunghyun

Page: 8

15-July-2021

Jiyong is in the clutches of the operating room right now. And I can’t seem to understand what just happened. Yesterday I talked with him, and he was cheerful, he seemed stronger, his eyes showed it, enough to make me think he was recovering. But today I got a call in the middle of the night informing me that Jiyong was having an emergency surgery. And I… Why? What happened? When?

I tried to get to the hospital as soon as possible, but he was already behind those blue doors that hold a wall to separate the OR and me. I don’t want to believe I was late; that I wasn’t by his side when I should've been. But the painful truth is: I wasn’t.

Dara came to my side as soon as she heard about the situation. There was that terrible grief hidden in her eyes and there was pity, sorrow and remorse. Her stare only helped my heart to cringe in pain, giving me a painful shake to make me realize this was for real; that this wasn’t just a nightmare soon to vanish or soon to disapear.

But while all the doctors overwhelmed me with their suspicious stares, with their questions, with their stupid curiosity and gleaming eyes, eager to strip the truth from me. And while all I wanted was to spit the words: “I don’t know, don’t you see me? I don’t know! I don’t know!” Dara was there squeezing my hand or pushing my back at each question, at each stare, supporting me and helping me to hide these censured fears inside me from them, from myself.

Now here I am, planted on this uncomfortable chair. In this room I’ve seen before countless families, countless mothers, fathers, brothers, biting their nails while waiting for the awaited news about their loved ones. Now I’m here, siting in a place that I supposed before I didn’t belong to. But now you can see me, playing with my hands in nervousness, staring at the swinging doors, cringing over the chair when I see one surgeon getting out from the hidden chambers and walking towards us. And then everything is followed by some relieved smiles or more so, by the agonized crying of the ones that are informed with heavy words and sorrow-filled eyes “We did what we could, we are sorry.”

Dara left exactly one hour ago, leaving me with this other boy curled over the chair next to me. Yes. Youngbae, I think is his name. His head is dropped over his shoulder in an uncomfortable way; the bags under his eyes are deeper and darker. And it hurts me deep down to watch him like this. How many times he had waited outside the OR? How many times has he endured this? All I could do for him was to cover his trembling, frightened body with the little comfort of a blanket I brought. Wishing I could cover him instead with the certainty of the “Everything is going to be fine.” But that would be cruel, to install a sense of false hope, I can’t. To be told the slither of promised hope is simply a facade; a defence for the weak. Yesterday I committed the mistake of believing that certainty and it turned uncertain at the end. He was fine! He was talking! He was smiling! Then, what happened?

“What places have you been before?” Was his innocent question last night, while I watched him sipping half a glass of juice and staring wide eyed at the meal in front of him.

“Well, I’ve been in a few countries but not for a long time,” I answered after much though, watching how he played with his food with the spoon held loosely in his right hand. “They were merely work related trips. I was once in France for a week, my first congress was in Hong Kong… yes, I remember that because I didn’t know any Chinese and I got lost quite a few times there.” I said, laughing at those memories swirling inside my head.

“Hong Kong,” he repeated. “When I was a kid I always thought about King Kong when someone said Hong Kong, What would they name a country like that?” He asked confused and by my surprise not jokingly, his brows furrowed as he placed a finger to his chin in deep thought, which brought a small smile upon my lips.

“Why would they name a Gorilla and a Movie like that?” I replied compelled by the dimples over his cheeks when he smiled in return and by the extreme dullness of our conversation. “I-I was also in Japan for a year, as a medical student. And I went to America last year, to watch a special cardiac surgical intervention.” I added.

“You’ve been to Japan before?” he asked, his orbs wide open and his right hand's fingers tightening around the chopsticks, he stopped in suspense. “You speak Japanese then?” I smiled at his enthusiasm; when he crawled himself near to where I was in expectation, pushing the table with the meal on to one side.

“Well, I studied Japanese back in College” I answered while scratching the back of my head. “I still talk in Japanese with some of the doctors here.”

“That’s awesome!” He shouted, jumping over the bed and doing a fist pump in excitement, but quickly the tiredness overtook his frail body.

“You are supposed to avoid any physical effort Jiyong” I scolded him with a hint of anger in my voice, however my cool exterior brought a different image, pushing him carefully back into his previous position. He nodded while apologizing in a quite voice.

“I wish one day I could go to Japan,” he murmured, his eyes wandering around lost. “There are many places I want to visit there.”

“I know,” I answered. And I really knew it. After staying with him this last month, listening to him, reading his stories, his lyrics. I knew how that country strangely fascinated him.

He giggled while a red flush tinted his cheeks. “Yeah well, maybe I am a little bit obvious right? Is just I’ve read many wonderful things about that country.”

“It’s a nice country,” I replied, incapable of saying anything else. Even though I had lived in Japan for almost a year, I probably knew Japan as well as I knew Chinese.

“Youngbae and I were once called by a Japanese record company like four years ago. But days before our travel, I got critically ill. We had to cancel everything and well my constant visits to the hospitals started then.” He said, sighing with his mouth drooping in a sad smile, the glimmering tears in his eyes becoming more apparent.

“You’ll have another opportunity later.”

“That’s not the problem.” He affirmed, focusing his eyes on me. “I feel sorry for Youngbae, he doesn’t deserve this. Sometimes I wish he wasn’t my friend. Friendship is not fair.”

“Well, let me quote someone I met this last month. A pink-haired someone told me once that life is not fair, nor friendship and I quote him: That’s what makes them special.” I replied at his amazed face, where a tear was rolling down his cheek leaving a glistening trail across his porcelain white face.

He smoothly drew a smile over his face; glimmers of something unknown flashed from his eyes while he whispered a quite “Thank you”.

Yes. He was awake, he seemed strong, but life is unfair and now he is again fighting against death, against that ruthless enemy. Yes. Friendship and love aren’t fair. Walking beside the one you cherish isn’t fair at all.

I’m watching at this young boy beside me right now, and all I can see its the vision of an amazing heart. A heart filled with love, with appreciation and longing. I see someone willing to spend his night curled over a hospital chair, someone willing to sacrifice his dreams for the sake of his best friend. And I’m grateful, extremely grateful to him.

And I watch myself, slowly turning into a strange, unknown being. I feel this unintelligible desire growing inside me, this desire of bonding and embracing my life with Jiyong’s life too.

I want him to live; I want him to live so badly. I want myself to become a shoulder he can lean on, into a friend he can trust, a place he can hide. For the first time, I have the thirst of loving someone openly and freely, of loving him with every fiber of my rotten being. I want to give him a part of myself and I want to be a part of his life too.

There are so many things I want.

If only he could live.

Lee SH

Hi there!! JessRa here ^.^ New Chapter for all of you!! Thank you very much my 40 suscribers, for the 17 upvotes and to my readers.. =) All of you thank you!!

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