This diary belongs to Lee Seunghyun

Page: 18

01-September-2021

I feared this moment for a long time. I feared this would happen sooner or later. These last few days had been beyond perfect and I was afraid about that perfection, I was afraid about the fragility of this happiness. Those things can happen endlessly, right?

Yesterday I woke up with Jiyong’s paled face right next to mine but this time there was no sign of life, no sign of joy in those lips, in those colorless cheeks. There was only his faint breathing and his pair of hazel eyes looking at me frightened.

“I don’t feel right,” he murmured with a faltering, weak, pained voice.

I rushed myself out of the bed terrified, shaking, fear pumping in my veins while I searched for his medication between our baggage and gave it to him, quite too violently.

“You’ve been avoiding taking this ones. You can’t refuse anymore Ji, is for your own good,” I urged him, approaching myself to where he was, holding a pair of white pills in one of my hands. I tried my best to not sound angry or desperate, but he denied with his head refusing to grab the pills.

“I don’t want them. They turn me into something useless. I don’t want them,” he kept begging me with a faint, horse voice.

“Come on Jiyong! Stop it! It’s for your own good. You need them!” I said, trying to force him to take them, grabbing one of his hands closed in a fist attempting to open it.

“I don’t want them! I want to be in my whole senses with you, please, don’t!” he said, almost crying and I couldn’t do anything but release his hand defeated.

“Stop this Jiyong. Just help me, I’m trying my best, can’t you see? Why won’t you help me?” I pleaded, swallowing my pride, swallowing my feelings. “Don’t you want to be ok?” I begged with a crooked whisper.

“I SAID I WON’T!” he screamed for the first time at me with rage, “Don’t you want me like this? You only want me smiling right? You only want me at my best, right? I’m dying Seunghyun, I’M ING DYING!”

“You…you now that’s not true, Ji. I want the best for you… I…I…”

“Then stop asking me to take them, I want to spend this time with you, I want to enjoy this, I don’t want to be medicated, to be lost.”

“But these can help you, this can save you…” I kept begging shamefully, I kept trying to convince him. But he looked at me with hate, eyes filled with hostility and I didn’t know if that hate was actually directed at me. I swallowed hard.

“Those can’t save me. Those cannot! You think I don’t know what Kim Seok says about my condition! You think I can’t see your face after you talk with him. I’M NOT STUPID!” he barked, letting out all his stored frustrations, he was crumbling right in front of my eyes... and I felt responsible.

“Ji, I… I…”

“You what? Huh? You what Seunghyun… we what?” he said with tears rolling over his cheeks. “We what?”

“I just… don’t want you to die. I want to save you, I wanted to save you,” I murmured, placing slowly the pills over the table next to the bed.

“You can’t Ri.” He said trying to grab one of my hands. But I stepped backwards, tears falling uncontroled from my eyes, my vision bluring despite my gaze brushing over my beloved. I distanced myself away from where he was. It was painful… those words were too painful… coming from his mouth, it was, it felt like dying.

“Where are you going?” he choked out scared when he saw me walking away from him. “Stay!”

“It’s not fair Ji. I need to think, I…” I said, running out of the room, my brain coming to sense and closing the feelings of my heart, closing the door behind me. I felt broken. “You can’t… You can’t.” Those words etched into my skin, like fire and they stung, I was hurting with the brutal sharp stings of those words.

And that was the worst thing I could have ever done. Those two hours I walked back and forth in front of the sight of the Mount Fuji, trying to restrain my tears and his voice repeating again and again inside my head. Those hours I spent apart from him, are the ones I regret the most.

When I returned at the apartment after those agony filled hours of painful steps and barrels of feelings that rained with harsh reality. I encountered myself with my worst fear, the moment I opened the door I knew I had made a terrible mistake. The quietness and stillness seemed wrong, too wrong. The silence and his pale, still body was laying over the blankets, eyes lost, hands fallen delicately beside his frail body.

I listened his name being shouted, screamed and whispered from my mouth. I listened to my desperate pleading. I saw my hand trying to find his fading heartbeat, his warm hands, anything to show me his lively beauty. The regrets and apologies assaulted me, swarming back at my throat, begging for God to not be so cruel.

I heard the shrieking siren of the ambulance, his body being dragged away from me, my knees falling to the floor, my body crumbling, cracking in pain, in guilt.

Right now there’s no one here to help me. No Youngbae next to me, no Dara assuring me everything is going to be fine. All I have is a phone that doesn’t stop ringing, the constant sounds of Tokyo and the rushed steps of the nurses around me. And a terrible guilt... regrets, only regrets and this cruel knot tightening inside me. Why did I go? Why? I just wanted to sort thing out Ji. I never planned to leave you alone, I... I'm so sorry.

I don’t want to be alone. Don’t leave me alone Ji. Don’t go! Please.

Lee SH

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