Soundtrack: Jia Peng Fang - Silent Moon

This diary belongs to Lee Seunghyun

Page: 19

10-September-2021

It has been a week since that day in Japan when I saw his body almost dead in front of the Mount Fuji. One week since I spent that night curled over a chair while my heart was twisting in guilt, at that Tokyo hospital looking at the depressing dark sky that days before I found fascinating.

Who can answer me? Who can explain to me why everything I love has to have an end? Why everything must be temporal? What can I do? What can I do to give him an opportunity to live, what can I do to return him this life that’s running away from his hands? I want Jiyong to be a great composer, I want him to visit those places inside his head, I want him to meet his parents again. I want him to live.

We were transferred back to Seoul in one emergency flight thanks to the help of the Cardiology Director of Seoul National Hospital. Jiyong was warded under Intesive Care and I was sent to Hong Kong, to take care of some conferences Kim Seok should be attending so he could stay in Korea in charge of Jiyong’s case.

I accepted not without the fear of being away if something bad happened. Not without the fear of not been there if he... died. But I took the plane, as I always did, thinking about what was best for him while hiding my cracking self in the cape of a dark coat and a firm set face.

Dara called me in the last four days, more and more frequently every time. She repeated the same thing over the phone: “Be strong hyun-ah, so he can be strong too.” But the way her voice sounded broken, the way she left silences between her words it only assured me one thing: he was dying. Until one day ago, when she called me abruptly in the stark middle of the night, this time without hiding the sadness that was dripping from her voice.

“Seungri, you have to come back or it’ll be too late,” it was the only thing she said, the words that left me teetering on the edge. So I packed my belongings in haste, excused myself from my partners and took the first flight back to Korea, to him.

“He…he is bad hyun-ah. He needs another heart, he's not making it,” she blurted out as soon as she saw me arriving at the hospital embracing me with her trembling body. “I should be the one consoling you hyun-ah, but this is just so unfair, so sad". 

“This is how life is Dara. Some things must end in order to allow other things to live,” I murmured with a quivering voice.

Today I finally saw Jiyong again. He was awake and alert and his eyes were sparkling again, with that dazzling innocence of him. Those beautiful eyes.

He looked at me as soon as I entered his room and he murmured a choked “I’m sorry.” But I stopped him, placing a finger over his lips and leaning my head over his chest, adoring his heartbeat, valuing it as if it was the sole reason of my existence. He cradled my head between his hands.

“Don’t you dare to apologize,” I said caressing the back of his hands. “You have done anything wrong.”

“I am scared Ri. I was scared,” he gasped, lacing our fingers together and holding us together, as one.

“You shouldn't be. I got good news for us,” I said, lifting my head slightly with a smile plastered on my face. “We got a donor for you.”

“Wha…What? Really? Fo…For real?” he stammered, tears falling from his eyes, “But… how? 

“Miracles do happen, right?” I said, tightening the grip of our hands, the grip providing me support for the unexpressable thoughts that raced through my mind.

“Am I going to be ok? Am I going to live?” he said, his eyes sparkling with hope with those silly, amazing illusions that captivated me since the first time.

 “Yes you are… and much more than that,” I answered, heart destroyed in happiness. “Your surgery is in one day, be strong till then ok?”

He nodded as he always does, his eyes dropped, biting his lips but determined. I lifted myself from the bed and sat over the couch next to him. He glanced at me and then at the notebook I was carrying under one of my arms. But instead of asking me to give it to him, as I thought he would, he asked me to write for him. He asked me to write a song for him.

“I miss that sound. Just write whatever is in your mind right now,” he said with his voice tired. I nodded hesitantly.

"Seungri-ah, I love you," he whispered with a week smile. How much I cherish that particular smile, he almost convinced me everything was going to be fine.

As soon as the pen between my fingers started flowing over the paper, Jiyong closed his eyes and smiled. It was the same smile he gave to me that day when I met Youngbae for the first time. When he said to me “There’s so many wonderful things happening at every second of our lives, what you need is to pay attention.”

That night I stayed next to him writing over that white piece of paper. Frowning and biting the pen, looking at Jiyong sleeping peacefully in front of me while I wrote one, foolish song. I placed the lyrics at the back of this diary. Maybe one day I will show them to him.

Before leaving the room early in the morning. I approached myself to him and whispered over his ear. “I love you Ji, don’t forget it.”

I left the room and went here, to my own room. Inside my heart there is just a bittersweet sensation of happiness but that’s enough for me.

I love Jiyong. He turned my world and changed it all, to the most little detail. He gave me strength; he gave me more than I’ve ever asked for.

He gave me his all, a new life, a new start. I want to give him that too, a new start. I will.

I love him. He’ll be the only immortal thing in my life, the only one.

Lee SH

Hi there! Only two chapters more till this fic is finished. Thank you for staying with me all this time =) Please tell me how you think this story will end? I'm really happy cause you were so hilarious and amazing on your comments this last chapters... =) I love your comments so much!! Thank you!!!!!! ..... JessRa