This diary belongs to Lee Seunghyun

Page: 9

21-July-2021

Jiyong is alive and that’s all that matters to me right now. He had a heart valve replacement surgery. What, I expect would improve his heart pumping capacity and therefore his general condition. He has been under severe and intensive care this past week, due to possible complications in the post-operative period.

Most of the time he is sedated, sleeping peacefully or extremely indifferent with his surroundings. Only few times he is awake, his gaze is not wandering hazy and lost and his words kind of making some sort of sense. Those times I look at him with a beaming smile conveying him this hidden message buried inside my heart: “Thank you for keeping your promise, thank you for staying alive”. And he stares at me in return, with a weak faint hint of an almost unnoticeable smile, and at that snapshot of a moment I can swear, we both are speaking to each other in silence, our minds and eyes having their own secret language.

Still, we both know that this is just an interim solution. I am conscious that those valves, that are now making his heart pump with regularity, are not meant to work forever - like everything. And I know he is conscious about that too. I can see it in the insecurity hidden behind the permanent and stubborn smile plastered over his face, his strong facade breaking under my worried glance. But, I’m trying to be indifferent to that reality; I’m struggling to ignore the constant ticking of the clock that has become more apparent to my mind, and I’m seeking to cherish this, however much or little time we still have.

“I’ve been having a strange dream,” he told me in one of his few moments of clarity.

“There’s a pale and ghostly face in front of me with sunken, sad eyes, the face looks so...so buried in an overwhelming sadness,” he gulped before continuing, his voice breaking at the last word that escaped his cracked lips,  “And-and there’s a pair of arms embracing me tightly around my waist, like clinging on me, and then there’s a voice whispering incoherent words into my ear...and I can see the face in front of me contorting and jolting in despair, but inside me… i-inside me there’s only calmness, the strongest calmness; as if I was insensitive to the tormented creature in front of my eyes… such calmness, it terrifies me,” he described with his clenched fists clinging on the blanket, his eyes watery with the relflection of my orbs.

“It’s probably because of your medication, Jiyong.” I tried to console him and attempted to try to blame anything while I caressed his hand. “Don’t give it much importance. Right now you are under a cocktail of medicines.”

But, What exactly does that dream mean? what is right now happening inside Jiyong’s head? how many painful and weird thoughts are torturing him? I wish I could know, all of them, so I could do something to make them disappear or at least share the ever-growing boulder that rests on his shoulders.

I’ve been trying to spend most of my free time next to him, talking about nonsense or letting the sense of quietness envelope us; immersed in silence. Now I know that silence can express things that words cannot. It allows you to listen those sounds always hidden behind, the real important sounds. Those times I spend next to him are times I can share everything. Moments when I can let myself fly around without any fear.

Sometimes Dara stays with us, holding a cup of coffee on her hand and folding her legs in front of herself; laughing at our silly conversations, discussing with me our patients records when Jiyong falls asleep or comforting me when Jiyong’s pained moans are too painful to bear alone. And it makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world, to have my best friend at one side, and the most important person for me on the other one.

“He is not just an important patient, you liar,” she always says before leaving, hitting one of my shoulders playfully.

“I know you realize that this is not right. You shouldn’t be in charge of this patient anymore.” She says, frowning and looking into my eyes with gravity. I guess trying to bring me down from the height, she thinks, I am perched upon. “You have to talk with the Chief of Cardiology about this; he is going to notice this either way.”

And I froze there, speechless, because I know that. But I can’t figure out what to do or how to do things. I want to help him. I want to do something for him, as his doctor, as his friend, as his support, as his hands, as his heart. I want to do so many things, in so many ways. And I end up doing nothing, ending in a void of emptyness.

“You’ll figure it out, Seungri. I trust in you,” she said, stretching out her arms and looking at her wristwatch. “You always figure things out.” She lifted herself up from the floor, where a bunch of coffee cups were scattered over.

“Gotta go,” she said while approaching me but she stopped right in front of Jiyong’s bed. “I like him, he is a nice guy,” she said caressing Jiyong’s blanket, winking at me before she left.

Sometimes I watch Jiyong crying between dreams, helpless tears spilling from closed lids that hide his fears from me expressing his weakend state, his unutterable cracking. And I always approach myself closer to him and embrace him tightly.

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, are those sincere tears rolling over that calm, beautiful face. It’s like watching his pure soul, his deep feelings. It Is a moment I want to cherish and save inside me. I cry with him, but not because of sadness, but because I’m blessed to be able to share with him at least this little intimacy. I can see him in his weakest state and I can embrace him, attempting to make his fears fade away.

I’m grateful to be able to be by his side. And I am going to fight to stay by his side as long as he wants me to. I have decided that I want to love him. Without questions or doubts, I believe in my love for him in spite of what may come tomorrow. And I believe that is stronger than anything that may come.

I am staying here, forever, next to my beloved Jiyong.

Lee SH.

Hi there ^.^ New Chapter!! Thank you!! All of you! I'm really grateful to those readers that keep commenting, it encourages me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just boring you. But I'm trying my best. Sorry if I'm failing on it =(

=) Still, you are really going to like next chapter, I'm sure. (hehehe how humble of me right? kekeke). Love is in the air finally ^.^ Thank you again. I really cherish each one of you who are reading me and bearing with me kekekeke =)

Ohh and #happyVirthday don't forget to trend that today.. our Panda's birthday!! See ya!!