This diary belongs to Lee Seunghyun

Page: 12

Date: 19 August 2021

This Tuesday, the Chief of the Cardiology Department called me to his office located on the B12 building inside the hospital. I went there with a strong foretaste of the information that he was going to tell me; and trying to elaborate, on the way to his office, a pair of useful answers to those soon to come questions

He was waiting for me, seatted upon his chair behind the, of course, luxurious rich wooden desk. His tie a little bit loosed and his white coat placed neatly on the backrest of his chair. My eyes wandered at the walls inside his office and how they were covered with his framed academic recognitions and awards. He looked at me while I sat in front of him and he told me, with his raspy and annoying voice, that he had been checking on my daily activities and my performance for the past two weeks and though he had no complaints about it, he was concerned about one single thing: my relationship with my patient Kwon Jiyong.

He highlighted the fact that whatever was happening between this patient and me wasn’t correct and that he and the rest of the hospital administration would not allow it. However, he was not against whatever relationship I had with Jiyong but the fact I was still his doctor. So, he informed me I couldn’t continue being Jiyong’s doctor and that he was going to transfer him onto the charge of another cardiologist. He even asked me if I wanted one doctor in special to take the case or if had something else to say about it.

And I did understand his position and I agreed with it. I can’t be Jiyong’s doctor; doing so would be simply irresponsible from my part. But, when he was saying all those things I felt as if the only opportunity to do something real to help Jiyong was slipping away from my hands. As though the only chance I got in this life to change the course of this was walking far away from me.

I asked him to give me some days to think about it. And I know by the way he frowned annoyed, crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at the ceiling of his office, that he was not enchanted about delaying the solution. But he nodded at the end, in silence.                       

Yesterday was Jiyong’s birthday. He is 29 years now. Fortunately yesterday was Sunday and Dara and I had day free. So, early in the morning we enter into his room sneaking away from the nurses at that hour to the corridor. Dara was carrying a big notebook shaped cake on her arms. Youngbae was behind her, with his usual grinning face, scratching the back of his neck with one hand and holding a bunch of multi-colored balloons on the other one; and I was on the front, carrying a little blue box between my hands.

He woke up disoriented, rubbing his eyes and watching with his half-lidded eyes at the silly image in front of him smiling: Youngbae’s voice trying hard to cover the failed voices of Dara and me while singing him happy birthday.

28, 27, 26, does not really matter to any of the four of us. It’s just an excuse to watch him smile behind the question-mark-shaped candle over his cake. Or an excuse to build another memory beside him.

“I want more, please!” he complained looking back and forth at the remaining cake placed next to Dara on the floor and the little piece of cake over his plate.

And I shook my head every time, in spite of how, even Dara and Youngbae were trying to convince me to allow Jiyong to have a bigger slice. At the end he looked at me resentfully and pinched his cake with his spoon frustrated and murmured something like, “Why did you have to be a doctor?” stuffing his mouth with his tiny slice of cake, making Dara and Bae break into fits of laughter.

We spent the whole evening playing scrabble over Jiyong’s bed. Dara and I always losing to the great ability with words Jiyong had and the extremely competiveness of Youngbae. Even if we tried to use medical terms, for one reason or another, it was just impossible to defeat those two guys. We ended up tired and resigned.

Late at night, before she left, Dara grabbed my hand and asked me to follow her outside Jiyong’s room.

“Have you made a decision? You know, about what your Chief told you the other day,” she asked me whispering, afraid of being heard by Jiyong.

I nodded in silence, to what she scrutinized me with her almond eyes. I explained her that I had accepted to give Jiyong’s case to Kim Seok, one of the other cardiologists from the hospital. A good school classmate and someone I felt I could trust.

“So you are willing to give Jiyong’s case like that? You are just giving up?” she scolded me, folding her arms in front of her and watching at the door next to us, kind of disappointed.

“I’m not giving up in any way. But you know I can’t do much for Jiyong if I remain as his doctor; and it’s not even correct. I think this is the best choice and I’m sure I can still do something for him, in other ways.” I answered but my voice betrayed me.

The truth is that decision took me a lot of thinking, a lot of painful thoughts and struggling. The disturbing truth of facing the impossibility to be able to do everything in every way possible for the one I love. But I choose this, thinking in how I could help him, and the best way I could actually do something for him.

So, that night, after Dara and Youngbae departed. I dragged the sofa again next to Jiyong’s bed and sat on it.

“I have something to talk to you about,” I told him leaning my elbows over his bed. He stopped putting away the scrabble pieces and lifted his eyes towards me.

“If there was any possibility for you to go out from here. Would you want to?” I questioned him.

He gave a confused glance at me and answered with a hesitant voice, dropping his eyes in a sorrowful gesture and playing with one of the scrabble pieces between his fingers “I don’t know”

“But you told me before that you didn’t want to stay here, confined between these walls?” I asked raising the tone of my voice, surprised by his answer.

“I know, but that was before you came into my life. I’m afraid that if I go out, I would not see you again,” he murmured, hiding his eyes from mines.

“And if I go out with you?”

He raised his eyes and straightened himself up; looking at me with his usual disturbing hopes and doubts. I bent myself over and stretched my arm to grab the small blue box I gave him, that was hidden under his bed and placed it over his lap in a slow yet significant movement.

“I talked this week with my Chief. I think you acknowledge that I can’t continue to be in charge of your case. It is wrong. I’m no longer objective nor impartial with everything related with you. So I agreed with your transfer to Kim Seok, one fellow cardiologist.” Jiyong looked at me with fear emerging from his open eyes, he moved his lips incoherently trying to find words or congruent ideas, to scared to say something. I took his hands and beckoned him to let me finish.

“I talked with Kim Seok and explained your case. I told him there was no reason for you to stay here and that you have been showing great progress since your last surgery. He told me you are allowed to go out only if you are still under medical care outside the hospital. And he accepted to kind of discharge you, more like let you go outside, if you continue being monitored.”

Jiyong was simply drowned in total confusion. I pointed at the blue box in front of us.

“I haven’t take any vacation till almost 3 years since I started practicing here. So I asked my Chief if could take a rest. He gave me, not to happy, but he gave me 3 weeks. And I want to spend them with you. So… well… I thought this could be a good birthday gift for you.” I said, patting the blue box now between his hands.

Jiyong tore the paper rashly and took out with trembling hands a semiprofessional camera from it, two tickets and a white paper sheet. And raised his eyes with a lot of questions in his eyes.

“That one is your letter of discharge, Kim Seok accepted with my promise to keep in contact with him. Those…” I said pointing at the two tickets Jiyong was looking at. “Those were really expensive, so you better accept them. They are two plane tickets to Japan. And this one…” I said grabbing the camera and raising it. “I just thought you would like to take some photos during our trip.”

“For real? Are you kidding me?” asked me Jiyong, with tears rolling over his cheeks before pouncing over me with a strong hug. “Thank you, thank you!” he repeated between sobs encircling my neck with his arms. And all of a sudden he placed his lips over mine, with softness, with timidity, but enough to make me lose any sense. I felt his hand caressing my neck, his tears wetting my face. And I felt right there the most fortunate man ever, embracing my Jiyong between my arms

Today, on the 19th of August night I’m here, for the first time in a long time sat over my bed in my own apartment. And Jiyong is here next to me, with his eyes closed sleeping peacefully. My grandma told me that I should not worry about her, that she was going to be fine by her own. But I asked Dara if she could visit her when she had time. I do worry about her.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m making rushed decisions or being irresponsible; but I will not believe in what Youngbae told me. I want to believe that dreams can actually save someone. I don’t know what we are going to face during our trip, what is going to happen, where are we going. But I’m sure this guy beside me, will have some good or foolish ideas in his mind. And I will be there, right by his side to carry them out.

I think this is one thing I can surely do: try to make his life happier and let him make mine worthy.

Lee SH

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