This diary belongs to Lee Seunghyun

Page: 5

Date: 10 June 2021

Though this is no longer a diary due to the fact that I’m always busy or pretty much tired to write anything, so I let days on end pass without writing a single word. I’m always returning as if there is some unknown force that entitles me to keep writing.

“Aortic and Mitral Regurgitation” That was the diagnosis Dara and I reached about Kwon Jiyong’s case. Meaning he has problems with two of his heart valves, that provokes a leak of blood backwards across the valves, which makes it harder for his heart to pump his blood correctly.

“It’s worsening”, Dara told me, her eyes darkening while she showed me the weak contractions of Jiyong’s heart displayed on the white and black screen in front of us. “He needs surgery”.

I nodded with a distinctly increasing pain covering my chest, a pain that is turning out to be terribly incomprehensible and at the same time terribly familiar.  “This is affecting me more than it should”, I confessed to Dara scratching my neck with my hand, my fingers trembling in nervousness. “What should I do?” I asked her, desperate.

Dara looked compassionatly at me and gave me, probably, the best answer I could have ever asked for: “Do something for him, focus yourself as his doctor, try your best to save him”.

These last few days, there has been an over-growing single overweighting sensation over me: the feeling of being incompetent, incompetency towards the natural circle of life, towards death and illness. And every day his sparkly eyes filled with the longing desire to live, remind me how little I am against life and death and how weak we are against the unpredictable string of fate.

“Thanks for always being here for me, Dara”, I suddenly said to her, while I wrapped my clumsy arms around her embracing her tightly, deeply conscious about her humanity and her fragility.

“Stay strong, hyun”, she said with tenderness, playing with my hair.

So, I went to speak with the Chief of Surgery about Kwon Jiyong’s case and about my particular interest on urgently treating him. Even though he stared at me with suspicious eyes the whole time, I kept myself composed making my best effort to convince him about the gravity of his case and stressing how young and vunerable he was.

But he just looked me with a hard gaze and replied that he could understand my concern and that he was deeply moved by this case  but because of the lack of economic resources Kwon Jiyong had, it was impossible to program an urgent intervention without enough previous evaluation and all that the powerful people, behind luxurious desks, always say. And I kept arguing about the gravity of his disease until he ended up saying, “Dr. Lee Seunghyun, let me see what I can do”.

And that’s when I knew I was losing my time. “Let me see what I can do” which translates into “He will have to wait”. As if Kwon Jiyon’s illness was different from the ones of the rest of the patients because of his lack of money.

But you know something: I know my patients, I see them and I hear their stories and their needs. I know about the single mother from the 420 Room and how her children are working double or triple shifts in order to pay her medical bills. I know the old guy from the 405 Room who is always staring at the window counting each second, expecting to die soon. Or the guy from the 401, how spits bad words to everyone and continues killing himself with the smoke of his cigarette that rests deep within the unreachable. I know each one of them and how their lives are intersecting because of their illness. Ones are expecting to live, others are praying to die. But none of them had ever conveyed that to me; that impetuous desire of living, like the one I saw inside the eyes of Kwon Jiyong. A pair of eyes screaming loudly for a chance to fly farther.

“You seem lost”, he stated when I entered into his room, as was now the custom for me. “Are you high?” he asked really curious, searching for my eyes which were avoiding his. I shouted in denial with an strangled, bewildered voice by the only thought of him, thinking those things about me

“You seemed lost, it’s not my fault”, he shrugged. “So?” he asked staring at the results between my hands.

I felt my throat closing when again, a glimmer of hope radiated brightly from his eyes. “You.. amm ...You need a surgical intervention, two of your valves are malfunctioning, you have Aortic and Mitral Regurgitation. It’s severe and urgent to treat you, because the medication will not help if we don’t change those valves,” I blurted out.

His eyes darkened for an instant but enough to become imprinted over my heart, “When will the operation be?” he asked smiling. But I knew he was afraid and disappointed.

I told him that there was not an actual date, while I approached his bed asking him to stand up so I could check his pulse rate and his heart beating. My hand sliding the stethoscope over his back coordinated with the tempo of his breath. I could hear the weak heart palpitations accompanied with a “Hush hush” in between.

“Even my heart has his own personal rhythm, it is crazy too”, he affirmed proudly and smiling, but I saw behind his paled face and his dizziness.

“I’ll come later,” I answered rushing myself out of the room. “Hope to see you soon,” He shouted before I closed the door. And I stayed there behind the door, trying to put my thoughts in order but I was compelled. And I knew at that very moment that Kwon Jiyong was for me a bright light shining on a frequency just made for me to see.

So, at night, after finishing work I took my jacket and lead myself towards his room, without thinking which route to take or where to walk. The road to him was simply familiar for me. I entered to his room, which had surprsingly all the lights . He was watching a Japanese film on the TV full of crazy shouts and jumping samurais here and there. I murmured a shy almost whisper-like "Hi", to what he turned. His face surprised, his eyes like an owls.

“What brings you here Doctor?” he asked, but I stopped him encouraging him to call me by my name. Seunghyun

“Seunghyun?” he repeated, but surprisingly for me he frowned unsatisfied. “Your name sound more serious than Doctor.” he stated. “What about.. Hyun or Seungri?” he asked.

“Seungri?” I repeated baffled.

“Yeahh sound nice, isn’t it?.. Seungri” he repeated laughing. I stayed on my spot, uncertain of how to react so I murmured him that I prefered to be called Doctor then, just giving up.

“Seungri I prefer, thank you”, he answered nonchalantly, focusing again on the TV and I sighed defeated.

“I-I just thought that maybe you... amm... would like some company”, I hovered around nervously trying to explain the reason of my presence.

He smiled, almost ignoring what I had say and invited me to watch the crazy movie on the loudly TV. I nodded and walked to the sofa next to him, which in an amazingly way was turning out to be my favorite spot from the entire hospital.

“Do you like weird action movies, Seungri?” he asked me, with lingering interest. I cringed upon hear my new nickname but somehow I was starting to like it.

“Whatever is good for me, I don’t have much time to watch movies though,” I said, curling myself over the sofa.

“What a shame,” he sighed, looking at me sadly, his eyes drooping adorablely. “I like movies, especially the ones you can’t understand a single bit of." I looked at him confused trying to understand his always strange antics.

“Because I like the feeling of not knowing what is happening until the end, and even then you are free to interpret the movie at your wish. It feels nice, I like uncertainty and I believe on unexpected finals.” he explained.

“I prefer movies with a logical plot,” I muttered, quietly as if I didn't want him to listen those words. But he frowned upon hearing my voice and exclaimed “What’s the fun then!? You have logic in real life.”

I stayed quiet, not knowing what to answer or to say. Slowly I felt myself being cooed by the sound of the movie and the warmth of his company. And before I rendered myself to sleep, I heard him whisper close to my ear:

“Why did you came until now into my life?”, while a hand slowly and tenderly caressed my hair. "Why now, why now that I'm like this?" he repeated with a faltering voice. And I felt, one of his tears drop and roll over my cheek. "Why now?"

And I knew then, I was deeply screwed.

Lee SH

=) Hi there!! New Chapter.. =). Did you all watch MAMA awards.. Seungri was yummm dayumm.. =) heheh all of them.. =)

Mmmm I want to excuse myself if some of you are doctors or are studying medicine.. because probably I'm making some bad bad mistakes with the "Medical info accuracy" even though I'm trying my best to stay realistic.. but well I'm not a cardiologist.. kekeke so.. please excuse me. =)

Having said that.. please enjoy. =) And.. THANK YOU 33 suscribers and 10 votes!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!