I was tired. Not tired as in tired of doing physical activity or studying on some stupid subject. No. I was tired of myself. My brain, at times, gets so overwhelmingly cluttered and I can't clear it out. It isn't like a trash bin or my recycle bin on my desktop computer. It is far worse and things never are deleted. I hate it sometimes. Then again, soemtimes I adore the fact I remember so much..

 

            It was Sunday morning. I hated Sundays now – for about five thousand reasons. Reason number one was that Sundays were church. Church was our bonding time – Sunday was our day.  We'd meet, smile, chat, hold hands, learn together, bond together, go home and you'd get to know my stupid family and we'd just.. be together. That's all I wanted. But now- I couldn’t explain to my family. I couldn’t say the reason I didn’t want to attend church now was because of some stupid boy and my thoughts. No way! I just had to deal with it. And I felt idiotic on top of it all; what girl gets so messed up emotionally from some damn boy from her past? I guess that girl is me.

 

            Sunday passed as fast as a snail trying to make its way down a road. It took forever. Sunday singing in church was going fine – still dull and lifeless and I didn’t even hear myself though I sang to a tune I knew too well. I even smiled once and waved at that kid in row three. But I remember nothing except my thoughts that carried me ten billion miles from that blue pew on row five. Driving home didn't even help and I hit a pot hole. Not my best moment behind the wheel.

 

            Then Monday. Everyone hates Mondays. I hate Mondays. Monday reminds me of the mornings I’d wake up with a text. “Good morning!” it would say. I’d smile and wake up happy. I was in one of those sappy movies where the guy makes the girl smile in scene one by sending her wonderfully warming texts at 7 AM declaing his love for her and to have a bright and sunshiney day. I'm pretty sure "I'm Walking On Sunshine" wasn't playing today.

 

            My head hurts.

 

            Tuesday. Tuesday was nothing special. It was vocab in Literature and reading in History. The Civil War isn’t interesting. Nothing is. Not even my phone and texting my best friend about stupid music that always fills up my free time. And I loved music so much that it probably thrived in my brains and travelled through my veins. Music wasn't just melodies and lyrics to me.. it was a burning passion that lighted up my life. Or drowned me in my sad moments.

 

            What was I living for?

 

            Wednesday. I always claimed that was my favorite day of the week. The middle. The best part because half of the week was gone by and it was almost over. I always stated Wednesday was my favorite amongst the weekdays. Wednesday is just a blur anymore. A mid-week day that is filled with computer, homework, pointless hours in school and my mind. It always goes back to my mind. And I tried to drink tea – my favorite being mint tea – but it never does any good anymore. Wednesday ended with me sinking into bed, my lower back pain suddenly showing itself and me cringing in pain. I’d been sitting at my computer too long, working and wondering. Searching for something I longed to find, but had not the courage to look for. And I tried, honestly. To search and find it, and let my mind be at peace, because I thought that’s what would happen, you know?

 

            I was wrong.

 

            Thursday started slowly because I barely slept. I thought of scenarios one too many times and had my earbuds stuck in my ears until four in the morning. I’d listened to those sad indie songs I like so much and man.. they helped not one bit. The only thing they did was calm my heart. And my heart still beat to the slow, sad rhythm, trying to display its emotions. Though emotions don't come from the heart. Your brain controls it all. I need a mind-change or something intense to cleanse me. But what am I thinking?

 

            This morning my heart aches a dull pain that doesn’t even attempt to go away. Not even in that small second I forgot what I was thinking.

 

            Ten in the morning and this hour . School is a waste anymore because I’m surrounded by idiots and those people that ruined it for me. They've changed over the years, but their words still echo in my mind. Their questions still reply over time. And their smirks are always there when I close my eyes. Sometimes I wish to run away from them. But the explaination isn't worth it.

 

            One PM and I call to go home.

 

            Five PM and I send out a text. Why I decided today of all days, I'm not sure. Maybe it's because it's been too long and I'm slowly melting into the waves of sadness that quietly drift over me day by day. I couldn't escape the water suffocating me and I didn't even want to anymore.

 

           My heart races at that of a nascar speeding around the track; It puts a weight on my chest so heavy that my hand is sitting atop it, resting and hoping to slow it down. It doesn’t. I know it won't for some time now.

 

            Twenty minutes later I get a reply and my heart doesn’t slow at all. I was correct about that small fact. But the text I get isn't important enough to phase me. You just replied with a "hey". And even though it should pang my heart, it brings a sad smile instead. One of guilt and misery that I've hidden deep in myself for these past few years. I've grown, you know. I've matured and everything I've done in the past - the mistakes that haunt me are there. Pulling me into a deep pit and suffocating me with brown dirt that smells of fresh Earth and pity you'd have on my soul.

 

 

            You know, I saved that text that fateful day. But the phone is gone.
            I remember our conversation. I cheered you up and you saw a light in me – the friendly smile and endearing words that I should have never let escape my mouth.
            I gave you my phone number and you smiled, telling me goodbye. It wasn't goodbye just yet.

 

            Soon enough that evening a simple question was asked that made me so happy. It was the happiest I have ever been. I’ve never been happier to this day. And to think how sad that reality is just affects me so much. I shouldn't be like this. Why am I?

 

 

            I don’t know why I did it. The peer pressure, I suppose. I was afraid of people and what they thought of me. You running around putting those words on your items. “I love ___”, it said. Hearts here and there. And your drawings weren’t perfect, but it made me melt all the while. Looking back, I did it all wrong. And knowing I can't redo it like a Sims game, I smile sadly at the memories and hug myself under my blankets.

 

            They always asked how you and I were. How you were. They said you were out for . But even when that girl mentioned it, you gave me a gentle smile and said “maybe some day”. You never pressured me. Until it came past time for our first kiss. I explained I was nervous and up to this day I still remember the way I wanted to run away and hide from embarrassment. You were so sweet about it, honestly. After my hurried, terrified, pressure induced first kiss (that I did long for, but neglected to say so), you told me we could try again. Make our first kisses worth while.

 

           And remember that one day that my "friend" declared I'd have to choose between me and you? Or was it the day of our impending break up? It was one.. where you went up front in the bus.. started crying and punched the bus wall. You left a dent- not just on the bus but on my heart. I still hear the pound and the sobs and feel the weight that pushed me father into that hole I dug for myself. If a guy cries, he cares, right? I'm sorry I did such wrong..

 

           

           It was Thursday night and that movie came on. I saw it and clicked it. It was my favorite movie. I bet you don’t even remember that, do you?

 

 

            Likewise, I remember few things. The few details that kept me wondering about you all the time.
            I remember how I teased you about your handwriting, claiming it was too neat for a boys. After we parted, I burned your notes to me. Literally. Never in my life have I regretted something so much. But I do. I'd wish to see that handwriting and my stupid comments and hear the laughs. I miss it.

            I remember how you knew my scent. That special perfume that was my signature. You loved it. So do I. It sits atop my dresser, in a clear bottle titled: LOVE.

 

            I remember you chasing me through the house, trying to get my y little “Burn Book”. I remember you kissing me after we drank Mountain Dew and you grinned. I remember you wanting to kiss me in the back seat as my mother drove you home – you laughed, pulled away and declared I was trying to kiss you and my mom chuckled. It embarrassed me in a way. I remember you hiding under my bed, making plans with me, asking about my day. I remember how kind you were and caring. I remember you coming on out of nowhere online – even after we were parted over a year – and you told me you always cared for me and I was beautiful and “Happy Birthday”. You made my birthday wonderful. I remember the long talks, the dumb, goofy and lovesick texts between us. I remember your signature on your phone.

 

 

            Tomorrow is Friday. Tonight is Thursday. It is November – we’d be a part, right? You’re in a different town, away from me. I bet I don’t even cross your mind, do I? I bet when you see that movie on TV, you think nothing of it. I bet our song doesn’t even play randomly in your head or that scent secretly blows around in your dreams. I know she is all you think if now. You have your reason. She is your everything now. Hopefully she does everything I couldn't do. I'm sorry.

 

            Tomorrow is Friday and I bet I’ll dream of you. But she'll be there, too.
            Everything now reminds me of you and I hate it. I hate the way I can’t go a day without thinking of your face. I hate not being able to text you or you even attempting to acknowledge my existence. But then again.. you have a life. I know mine is no comparison.

 

           

 

            I never knew someone could imprint on me so much – leaving such a scar or tattoo that even the scratching can tear it away.

 

            I can’t erase you from my mind, nor my past. I can’t move on because something holds me back. And everyday I’m hurting. And it’s stupid, because it’s first love blues.

 

 

 

            It’s Friday. Much like Monday, it’s a well-known day of the week. Except everyone loves it. And everyone can’t wait for the weekend. And everyone wants to leave school and hang out and party. And Friday is meant to make one happy. And the homework dies down and the tests are here and people groan, but take them. The hallways clear and I walk slowly to the car to go home.

 

 

            “Whatever I did wrong, I’m sorry. I still love you,” he spoke softly, watching my face. I was sitting on the steps, trying to avoid him. He knew I arrived at school early. And no one was around, so this was our chance to talk. Our time. But being me – and being afraid of my peers and the pressure and what people thought, I looked down and didn’t speak.

 

            I get in the car and my head hurts. “How was your day?” my mom asks, not taking note of me because I’m not showing my heart on my sleeve like I usually would.

 

            “Fine,” I replied, looking out the window, my eyes locked on those steps.

 

            I hate this. Living in the past when I know it will hurt my present and future. But I can’t help it anymore. My heart hurts from the mistake I once made. And now knowing that we can’t even be friends – it hurts. And I hurt. And it took me so long to realize what I gave up. And I’m sorry. Everything was my fault.

 

            I’ll always love you.

 

 

 

---

KDG; I have literally crossed into the "what if" stage today and questioned things and had to write about a part of my past I can't get over. I just so happened upon the picture up there and it fits completely with this theme. I may add more later. Note to self; sleep more.