2015 Slam Poem

I realize
Through these hazel eyes
That nobody here truly understands
For they walk, they talk
They utter sentences over boys
And fashion and frequent shows I couldn't care less for
But that's how it is
That's how my life is
I spent days upon days in exile
Watching my favorite shows that are foreign style
And learning about things that weren't my culture
Because everything near me was fading
Nobody seemed to care, to want to save me
I was a whisper in the darkness
I was a small flash of light in the night sky
I wasn't... there

It was too late by the true diagnosis
And people already thought differently
They thought of me as faking it
As destroying myself in acting
Like I was portraying a character
I wasn't
I was locked in a body that was destroying itself
And I couldn't do one damned thing about it
Because not every disease is curable
And just because I'm facing this thing that seems so weak
Is actually killing me slowly
It's not cancer
It's not diabetes
It's not something I can just find a simple treatment for
And yet, there's a whisper
Cancer is worse
Diabetes is worse
Everything anyone has around my home town is worse
And I am just a glimmer in the far off darkness
That no one pays attention to
I am not.. there

It came crashing down how serious life was for me
When I was told there were no more options
That every treatment kids like me had was
just another type of 'fad' as kids my age would say
But for me
This tree of life was so brilliantly lit
And it... it didn't include me
I wasn't scared though
I had been told multiple times that I was too severe
And I faded so quickly that life wouldn't adhere
And people?
People left
I was left and alone
And nobody truly cared
Because I wasn't 'in'
And anyone else was
I was a pen, writing my own story
And honestly... I didn't want to include them

How do you live in a place
Where they tell you
"You lie"
You can't cry over it because your struggle isn't that serious
That kid died in an accident
That kid has a disease and can't be around the sick
That kid is on an oxygen tank
And I'm... nothing
I'm not dead on the highway
But I'm secluded
Your breaths could kill me too
Your germs are my enemy too
And you deny it and my existence
You deny my fate
My role
And that's not even the first time you didn't get it

I realize
Through these hazel eyes
That nobody here truly understands
They understand when a kid is bullied
But they bullied me
They understand when a kid needs money
But they didn't care to really help me
And they understand any outstanding kid that's there
But they left me
I was once a bright light
I thought I wasone with my community
But when that light causes a shock
You unplug it
You destroy it
You don't care to fix it, just replace it
And that wasn't really the worst thing you had done to me

But I
I am a survivor
I faced much more than any of you have yet to see
I nearly died
Ihid my cries
And I let them poke and prod at me
My depression let me write tens of suicide notes
My anxiety was so severe, I thought I was broke
My mindset may be hardened
But every memory just can't fade away
Because you caused me harm
You caused me to believe I should just die
You made me believe I was worthless
You didn't let me really try
You gave me tests and questions
That you never taught me the answers to
So now that I'm the brightest I've ever been
I hope my flames can shine on you
I hope they blind you in my wake
I hope they remind you I'm not fake
I hope everyone who has stood by me
can learn from your mistakes
They all know of this resistance
And I hope you can realize
You nearly killed a kid
because you wouldn't acknowledge
With your eyes
That I am of a very unique, loving, and glimmering existence