Requested by anonymous on tumblr; based on In My Room.

I close my eyes in this sleepless night
And you dance in my thoughts
I get so angry at myself, who knew nothing
I turn on the lights and look around my room
The place where my two faint eyes are placed on
is where I placed the birthday present I didn’t throw away
and everything of you

His eyes wandered sadly around the room, which seemed to have lost the warmth that it once held. They brown orbs landed on the dresser that they used to share. The pictures that sat there lay on their side, frames shattered and broken, as if they had been thrown. Two were mutilated, where someone had torn one and crumpled the other.

 The first held them kissing  on their one year anniversary,  and  the other showed a red, puffy eyed, yet still smiling, Taemin from the day Minho had gotten down on one knee at the park where they had first met .

The items Taemin had thrown back in his face while screaming brokenly, “I hate you, Minho!” before Minho had left, assuring the younger he would come back, lay next to the photos, and the man walked closer to brush his fingers across the simple gold band decorated delicately with diamonds.

 The other items consisted of the stuffed frog he had won for him at their first date at the carnival, the rosary bracelet he had given the boy the day he asked for him to be his boyfriend, and the rehab institution they had been looking into the day before everything blew up in Minho’s face.

Cause you were my sun, the moon
You were my everything and
Everything in my room seems to miss you
If I get tired putting myself in harms way to find you
and forget for a moment
our hidden memories still linger
cause you’re still in my room

He took a deep breath to calm his raging emotions, and decided that it would be best to leave the room for now. He could clean those things up later.

But that was what Minho had been telling himself for months now, and those sad items still lay in the same place Taemin had thrown them. The entire bedroom reeked of Taemin, and it was hard to stay in there long enough to do more than sleep, because it was only comforting at night when his speeding mind and crazy thoughts finally calmed down enough for him to drift off into a fitful sleep.

Minho couldn’t stand the guilt that ate away at his very core for never realizing how bad the situation with his past lover had gotten. He never realized the cuts on his frail thighs, or his decreasing weight by the week until it was too late.

You see, he had a job that required constant traveling, and he was only ever home every two weeks to plant a kiss that served as both as a hello and goodnight before promptly falling asleep and waking up again the next morning to go to another far away city.

It was his fault for having to work so much that he never noticed. He had never had the time– no, he had never made time to notice his fiancé’s deteriorating state until the day he returned home on break and kissed him as he usually did, running his hands up his side, and felt nothing but skin and bones under his hands. When he finally looked, he saw the hollowed cheeks that had once been chubby, and the too skinny body that had once been y and lean.

“Taemin?” he had questioned, waking his lover. “What’s happened to you?”

Taemin had jumped away from him, leaping out bed without a word and running to the bathroom that adjoined their bedroom. The only response he got that night was a whispered, “He saw me. I’m disgusting. He thinks so too.”  Those words, along with the sounds of crying and dry heaving, shook him to the very core.

Wandering the sea of life, all the lost dreams
are in the corners of my desk drawers
you were hidden within them
A picture of you I found in a box, under a layer of dust
A love letter filled with my young heart
and everything of you

Minho wandered the halls of his apartment, everything seeming so dull and bland around him. Everything was gray now; black and white in his eyes. The color and life had left when Taemin had, and his only purpose now was.. Nothing. He merely existed, in a cold, cold world that he wished he could leave. Unfortunately, he couldn’t. He was stuck, bound to this hell alone by Taemin’s request.

As he reached the office, his eyes fell upon the drawer that held the letters and notes written between him and Taemin. Minho slowly walked forward, reaching the desk at a snail’s pace as he remembered the final note Taemin had written. He then reached out a hand and slid the desk drawer open, grabbing one note in particular from the top of the pile.

It was a simple, folded sheet of notebook paper, but what it held inside was something that had killed the old Minho, and made him the broken person he was now.

Minho read the note over again, for the first time since the day that had changed it all, and it didn’t hurt any less. In fact, now it made him feel even more lost than before.  

Cause you were my sun, the moon
You were my everything and
Everything in my room seems to miss you
If I get tired putting myself in harms way to find you
and forget for a moment
our hidden memories still linger
cause you’re still in my room

It was week later, nearing the end of his break from work, that he confronted Taemin head on about the issue. Minho had cornered the scarily thin boy in their bedroom, backing him up until they were both sitting side by side on the bed.

“Tae,” he had said, concerned. “What’s been going on? How did it get like this?”

Taemin tensed, curling in on himself as his arms wrapped around his body too easily.  “There’s nothing wrong with me. I just need to lose some weight.”

“Lose weight..? Taemin, what more is there to lose? You’re practically a bag of bones. You were to begin with.” Wrong  thing to say.

“So I’m still not good enough for you to come home? Even after doing this for you? After making myself like those girls that throw themselves at you?” the smaller male scoffed, eyes narrowed and reflecting the pain he felt.  It stabbed Minho right in the heart, and he gaped, not knowing that to say. He had no idea that Taemin felt that way... But then again, when had he been there to find out?

His concerned eyes softened, and he reached out a hand to pull his fiancé closer. “No.. Taemin, you’re perfect, okay? Just the way you are. I love you so much, you know that? Those other business women mean nothing to me. I’ll quit, if you want me too. I’ll find another job if you want. Will that make it better?” He would do anything to make his lover better, and to fix this. He couldn’t stand to see him in such a state, all because of his own obliviousness and selfishness.  However, Taemin jerked away, leaping up like he had before, despite the reassurances.

“No, because you’ll just leave me here alone again. You’re going to leave and find someone better and then leave me for good, I just know it.” Taemin’s eyes started to well up with tears, and he crumbled into himself. “You’ll leave me..” He held his face in his hands, fat tears streaming down his face.

Minho stood then, grasping Taemin’s wrists gently and pulling them away from his face. He leaned in, pressing his lips against the younger’s, and then moving them to press against the hollow cheeks, kissin away the tears that ran down the boy’s face. “No, I won’t. I won’t leave again, because I love you; only you. You are my sun, Taemin. Don’t you remember?”

Even if I throw it away,
again and again
I want to call you
and see you smiling in front of me
I want to keep you right here

Minho read over the note slowly, hoping to ease the pain in his chest as he read the words on the page. He thought that maybe it wouldn’t hurt as badly, but he was dead wrong. It hurt just as much, if not worse, than the first time he stumbled across it laying on the kitchen counter as he returned home from his final trip, where he had turned in his notice of quitting.

‘My dear Minho,’ it read, ‘I’m sorry, for everything. By that, I mean causing you so much trouble over the years. We should have known from the start that it wouldn’t end as we planned. We aren’t going to get a house, get married, or adopt kids. We aren’t going to live together for the rest of our years and die old together.

It’s not because I don’t love you, or because you don’t love me. It’s the exact opposite, really. I love you too much. So much that it’s killing us both. I can’t let you quit your job because you feel obligated to me, like you plan on doing, and I can’t keep going like this.

It’s not your fault that I have my own issues, or that I’m self-destructive like this. It’s not your fault that I’m sick and dying because of my own insecurities and what is about to come is not your fault, either.

I believed what you said, I promise. I know you’re quitting your dream job because of me, and that you want to fix me, but you can’t. It’s too late for that, and it’s no one’s fault but my own.

If you’re reading this, love, that means I was a coward and took the easy way out. I did so because my body was shutting down anyways, and because if you were to return, you would only try to fix me and fail. That would kill you, I know, because you would blame yourself for failing, even if it is impossible in reality.

I know you won’t understand my reasoning, but please know that I do love you, more than anything.

So, this is goodbye, and I’m leaving for my own trip now. I’ll see you on the other side when it’s your time to make your own final journey.’

Cause you were my sun, the moon
You were my everything and
Everything in my room seems to miss you
If I get tired putting myself in harms way to find you
and forget for a moment
our hidden memories still linger
cause you’re still in my room

Minho had thrown the letter down the first time he read it, running through the apartment, calling out for the boy he had left behind. He felt like he was suffocating, and began to hyperventilate as Taemin continued to not show up, no matter where he searched.

Tears were streaming down his face as he finally reached his bedroom, throwing open the closed door and scanning it fearfully. Still, with no sight of his fiancé, he made his way to the only place left… The bathroom.

That door was closed as well, and he pushed it open, creaking as it revealed the scene behind it. His worst fears became true right before his very eyes.

There is lover lay, wrists bleeding and complexion pale.

Minho dropped to the cold, tile floor on his knees, crawling over to the boy. “Oh my God, no.. Why?” he cried, pulling the cold body closer to him and checking for any sign of a pulse or hint of life. There were none.

That night, he internally died alongside the love of his life, knowing well how it was his fault. Now, all he had were reminders of what he could have had if he hadn’t been so selfish.

You were my Sun, and now there is only darkness…