Requested by anonymous on tumblr | ontae, jinki suffers from a mental illness and taemin is his motivation to get well again 

The cold, sterile room in which he sits is grey. The beautiful colored autumn leaves that can be viewed from the window of which his eyes blankly stare out of are grey. The entire world is grey, through Jinki’s eyes.

There’s pain – pain everywhere. So many people suffer each and every day – so many. There are so many people wronged in the world, so many people hurting, crying, screaming. So many hearts are broken, so many families are torn apart. There are wars being fought, countries destroying themselves from the inside out, and innocent people dying. So many people are .

And why?

There’s so much pain within himself, too, and Jinki just wants it to all stop.

He’s gotten bad again, and everything is grey and everything hurts, wracking his body with grief and sorrow every day. There’s no point in anything, he thinks, so why is he here?

Because he was caught red handed, with those handful of pills ready and poised at his mouth, so close to downing each and every sleeping pill that he held in his fist. He was caught because of his pain, because he had let it show when he called to tell his light he loved him, and his light just knew. He was caught because paramedics burst through his apartment door, prying his hand away from his mouth that was screaming – “Nononono, let me leave.”

Jinki loves his light, deeply, fully, more than anything – more than himself and the world, but he’s so, so sad at the same time. His light will be so disappointed, he knows. So disappointed.

He hears scuffling outside of the closed door to the cold and grey room, feet coming closer and closer. Voices are speaking – one is the nurse that gives him his meals and happy medicine, and the other is the warmth and sunshine of his life, which at the moment, he wants to run away from. Because Jinki knows that if you get too close, you’ll get burned. He knows this fact too well.

“You aren’t family, but you’re stated as his emergency contact and you’re all he has, so I need to tell you some things before you go in.” The nurse speaks, dreary and cold and grey like everything else, like the world.

“Okay,” Comes the light’s voice, and suddenly everything is bright and colorful, warm and comforting.

“You do know that he has a history with us, don’t you?” Cold and dreary asks.

There is no vocal response, but the grey stained voice continues on. “This is his second visit; his first was when he was seventeen, but he was admitted to the children’s psych ward then. I’m sure you aren’t aware of why, or his mental state, are you?”

The light’s voice is shaky when he replies, sounding worried and almost fearful, like the rest of the world. Jinki doesn’t want him to feel that way, ever. “No, I- I’ve known him for years, we’ve been together for years, and he never told me. I never even knew anything was wrong, but – I suppose he was a bit awkward when we first met. He almost seemed to have – autistic tendencies? I-I don’t know.”

The nurse hums once before speaking once more, this time delving into things that Jinki wished she wouldn’t. It’s all pain – all cold, grey, and sorrowful.

“It was reported that he was molested when he was eight years old, by his aunt. She later died in a car wreck, along with his parents and siblings. At first it seemed like he had post traumatic disorder when he first came to us, but as we talked and he went through his first treatment, he also showed signs of severe depression and anxiety. He stayed with us for six months, receiving treatment and therapy until he was cleared to be released. By then, he had turned eighteen and was able to live on his own providing that he took his prescribed medication and mental exercises. He then returned to finish school, and I’m guessing that’s where you came into the picture. It seems like everything had been going well, but – can you think of anything that could have triggered this relapse?”

It’s quiet for a long time, seeming to drag on forever as Jinki hears the light sniffle and struggle to speak. Finally, words are spoken, making Jinki want to crawl into a hole and never come out. He would be safe that way, he thinks.

“I’m not sure... I-I’m sorry. I’m going to go speak to him, maybe he’ll tell me.”

And then the door is opening to the grey room. When Jinki looks up from his place at the window and glances back, the whole room and world suddenly come alive again. Blonde hair, pink lips, flushed cheeks, and beautifully pale skin reach his eyes, and suddenly his heart stops hurting as well. It’s alive and beating, and happy.

“Taemin,” is all he gets out, voice cracked and hoarse from the lack of speaking, before the light is in his arms, warm and soft and beautiful.

But there’s something wrong – the light is crying, sobbing even, into Jinki’s chest. He’s not surprised, not really. He knew his sunshine would be disappointed, but it doesn’t stop the dreariness from returning to the room, crashing down on him all at once.

He caused this pain.

“Taemin, I’m sorry. So sorry.” Is all he can bring himself to whisper in the hair, which has returned to grey. However, despite this, he can still smell the warm, honey scent of his sunshine, washing over him in waves. Maybe, maybe there is some hope.

In his arms, Taemin continues to cry, but raises his face from his chest to meet his eyes. Jinki feels the pain he sees in the younger’s, and he hates it. But slowly, the grey lips tip up into a barely-there smile, and they’re slowly turning pink again, bright and warm and less cold and sorrowful.

“No, I’m just so happy you’re okay. I was so afraid I was going to lose you. God, I wouldn’t be able to go on without you. A world without you would be so painful, don’t you understand?” the light speaks, voice still clogged with tears, but sounding genuinely relieved and maybe even happy.

And his words hit Jinki like a train. The world would be painful for his light without him? He doesn’t understand why that would be, but if what Taemin says is true, he can’t deny his sunshine his happiness. It would be a sin, he knows, to make his love feel the pain that he does every day.

Jinki swallows thickly, eyes traveling from the bright face to the green and white tile floor, guilty. “I understand. That’s why I did what I did – because I couldn’t stand being away from you, when you left to go to university. Without you, it got bad again – the pain did. With you, it goes away.”

Taemin stiffens in his arms, and Jinki fears he has done something wrong, but then the pink lips are on his own chapped ones and are spreading a fuzzy, warm feeling throughout his body. It starts at his mouth, traveling down to his heart and coaxing it into a happy state before continuing to his abdomen, where butterflies spring to life and flutter relentlessly.

When his sunshine pulls away, his cheeks are a beautiful pink, and he holds a determined look upon his face. Parting his lovely plump lips, he speaks, bringing Jinki even further back to life with every word. “I’ll be here with you every day – I’ll make sure of it. When you get better, we’ll get out of here and get a place of our own, together. We’ll have a life together, and everything will be okay. I’ll have you, and you’ll have me, and we’ll be happy.”

And with that, Jinki knows. He knows he’ll get better, he knows maybe not everything is painful, and maybe not everything is cold and dreary, because he’ll build a life like he’s always wanted with his sunshine and transform this ugly feeling inside his chest into a blinding passion that even the darkness of the world won’t be able to penetrate.

There will be happiness – happiness everywhere. He’ll see it in his sunshine’s eyes, he’ll see it in his own when he’s with his sunshine. He’ll see it in their friends, and he’ll see it in the children that live near their apartment. He’ll see happiness and all of the good in the world, because there is more to life than grey, sorrowful, and dreary.

A/N: To the person that requested this, I'm planning on doing all of the ones you sent me, just not at the same time. I'll do them in between other requests. ^.^ But thank you so much for the wonderful prompts! They're great~