*WARNING This chapter contains self-harm so please skip the bottom if you are easily triggered. Or just don't read this chapter. It's okay to skip. Please be careful.

"We can go in now, you know. I'm pretty sure she's not in there." Amber said, annoyance lacing her voice. It wasn't my fault, she's the one who picked the deli to eat at. I was just making sure that lady wasn't there to call my mom again. 

"I'm just making sure."  

"Yeah, well, we've walked by the shop five thousand times and I'm seriously debating whether I should eat you or not." I glanced over at her, and she looked down at me. I bit my lip and looked back at the restaurant. I was pretty sure that woman wasn't there... but one more walk couldn't hurt right? I opened my mouth to offer this information, but one look from Amber said it; no.  

"Ugh, fine. C'mon." I sighed grabbing her wrist and dragging her back to the store. We walked in and went straight to the register. Thankfully, no one was here.  

"Can I help you?" The boy behind the counter asked. He kept his head down, obviously not wanting to be here. 

"Yeah, I'll get the ham and cheese sandwich, with a pickle... and throw in a bag of chips." Amber quickly said, not even glancing at the menu.  

"Drink?"  

"Water."  

"That all?" I looked over the menu, for some unknown reason. I already knew what I was getting. 

"No, she'll have a tuna salad wrap with some chips, water to drink." Amber answered before I could even open my mouth. I looked over at her, not caring that my mouth was hanging open, and watched her hand him the change. 

"Uh, did you just order for me?" I asked incredulously. "And pay for me?" She nodded as if it were nothing. 

"Well... thanks. Really. You didn't have too... I'll pay you back when-"  

"Blair, forget about it, alright? It was nothing, just me trying to be nice. Now, I'm going to go grab a table, if you don't mind getting the food?" I nodded at her instructions, and watched her smile and walk away. She chose a table in the corner, her back against the wall, facing me. I looked away when she sat down, desperately waiting for the food to come. 

"Here you go." The boy said, handing me the tray of food. I mumbled a 'thanks', and walked carefully over to Amber, fully aware of her gaze on me. 

We ate in silence the first few minutes of lunch, which was abnormal for the pair of us, but I mean, we were freaking starving. After we left, I decided I should probably head home before my mom got there, but Amber wanted to cut through the park. I could say it was a case of deja-vu but the town was so small, it couldn't be helped. We went to the same place that we did before, except we were both remained standing, enjoying the silence.

"Ready for school tomorrow?"  

I shrugged. I never was, but who cares. "Yeah, I guess. It's just school." 

I felt her looking at me, and I knew what was coming next. She wanted me to say it, explain what happened weeks ago. But we both knew I wouldn't. "Why do you let them treat you like that?"  

How soft her tone was, was almost enough to make me break down right there, but I refrained and looked at her. "It doesn't matter if I do something to stop them, they won't. So I just let them go." I had stopped walking completely, now playing with the hem of Ambers' sweater, but I refused to break eye-contact.  

"The names they call you, how they look at you. I know it hurts you, Blair, I know it does. You pretend not to hear, but I watch your smile go down and your eyes get a little darker. I see it all, and it pisses me off you won't do anything about it." Her tone raised slightly towards her last sentence. I don't know when, but at some point my vision fell to my shoes. Right now, I was kind of glad it did. I tried to inhale a breath of air, but it got choked into a hiccup instead. Before I knew it, I was full on sobbing. Like, trying-to-cover-my-mouth-but-still-sounding-like a-dying-raccoon, sobbing. I felt Amber pull me into her and wrap her arms around my neck. I wrapped my own around her waist, and felt her sit us down while I continued to cry. She whispered soothing words, telling me she was sorry, and didn't mean to hurt me. She didn't hurt me, Amber just showed me the truth. It was crazy how much her words made sense. It hurt when Jessica and the other girls would make fun of me, but hearing Amber say it... hearing her care, was enough to bend my facade. And that was embarrassing.

We stayed like that for a while, me just crying on her and Amber trying to soothe me out of it. I stopped, eventually, but I really didn't want to get up. I mean, after you have a complete breakdown, who isn't tired?  

"You okay?" Amber whispered, slowly moving her hand from the back of my neck. I nodded against her, and pulled back. Amber smiled at me in a reassuring way, and reached out to tuck a piece of my hair back behind my ear. Unknowingly, I leaned slightly into her touch, but I didn't really care. I felt her hand linger before pulling back and making a move to get up.  

"We should get you home." She said, pulling me up with her.  

"Yeah. I'm really sorry about... that." I said, a slight blush creeping up on my cheeks as I recalled my breakdown. 

"It's alright Xiǎo xióngmāo. Everyone needs that time to let it all out." 

"Wait... What did you just say?" I asked. 

"It's Chinese. My nickname for you." She swung her arm over my shoulders and smiled the super cute, eye-crinkling smile. 

"But, what does it mean?" I persisted, even though I'm positive she could've called me dog and it would still sound pretty. 

"Hmmm, it's cute. But I'm not telling." I rolled my eyes at her, and focused on the sidewalk ahead. We were already on our street, and I could even see my house. In fact, if you look hard enough, you could see my mom's- 

"Oh, !" I said, taking off in a run to my house. I could hear Amber behind me, trying to catch up, but she needed to leave. "Just go home. I'll see you later tonight!" I called out to her. 

When I jumped to the front porch and carefully opened the front door, I could already hear it. 

"You should be happy she's made a friend!" That was my Aunts voice, I knew that. "Minny, you're constricting her! Just because you think her friend Amber is-"  

"Gay? Lesbian? Have you seen the girl? She could pass as a boy for Christ sakes! She just shows up on my doorstep one morning, and asks to walk Blair to school! What else was I suppose to think?" That would be my mom, and she was yelling. Well, they both were, but mom was louder. 

"That Blair has FINALLY found a friend? A friend that makes her happy?" 

"A friend who is probably flirting with her?" I was inside now, slowly making my way to the kitchen. I saw the Grandfather clock in the living room; it read 3:34. 

"And what's wrong with that? If Blair was straight, she'd tell Amber she wasn't interested! You're just over reacting because you think-" 

"That this Amber girl is hitting on my daughter? Yes! I do! And that's disgusting!" 

"Remember who the you're talking to Minny!" My Aunt was practically screaming now. 

"Don't you dare curse at me, Lily! Because being what you are is-" 

"-I swear to God if you say it!-" 

"-Pretty much a disease!"  

I stepped through to the kitchen at that moment. Both of the women were standing on opposite ends of the breakfast bar, faces red, and death grips on the side of the table. Both of their heads turned toward me, and I was shocked at how they reacted. My Aunts face softened, and she ran a hand through her hair, as if trying to calm herself.  

"Blair, honey. Welcome home... Minny, you calm down right now." That brought me to my mother. She looked at me, face even redder than before. 

"Where the have you been?"  

"I-" 

"I told you, she went out to eat lunch with her friend." Aunt Lily said exhaustedly. "And don't speak that way to your child."  

My mother faced fully toward me, and she's never seemed so intimidating. "I gave you one job. One job. To clean. And I come hone and barely anything's done. Then I find out you're out with a friend?" 

"Mom, I've been cleaning all morning. I was going to just make lunch for Aunt Lily and I, but then Amber came and asked me to lunch and-" 

"This girl is a bad influence." She said through gritted teeth. 

"Geez, Minny, give the girl a break. All she was doing was going out to eat with a friend." My Aunt defended me again. I wish I could do it myself, but my mind was pretty much a blank. 

"I don't want you hanging out with the likes of her." She stepped closer to me, but I didn't move back. 

"The likes of her? What is she, mom? Last time I checked, she was a teenaged girl."  

"Blair. Just don't hang out with her." Another step. 

"No." She was right in front of me. Even though I was a few inches taller, we both knew she was stronger. For some reason, though, I just didn't back down. 

"You worthless, ugly, good for nothing-"  

"Lay one hand on her and I swear I'll call the police, Minny." Aunt Lily stated simply. My mother dropped the hand she had raised, and gave me the coldest look I've gotten from her. With that, she stormed down the left hall to her room and slammed the door. 

"You alright there? I'm sorry your mom was like that, I got her all worked up." She made her way over to me, and pulled me in for a hug. "I think I'm going to be extending my visit a little. Is that alright?" I nodded against her. I wasn't going to cry again. I was not. I couldn't have two breakdowns in one day."Have fun with Amber?"  

"Yeah." I said pulling away from her, a half-smile forming on my lips."Short, but fun."  

"I'm glad." She smiled also, letting me go. "I'll make something for dinner and bring it up to you. Just go relax a bit."

"Actually, I'm still full from lunch. I'll just grab something later when I get hungry." I offered wearily. All I wanted was to go upstairs.

"Sure, sweetie. Just go and relax." I nodded and ran up to my bedroom, locking the door behind me. I felt it again, that same numb feeling I get when Jessica opens , the same feeling I felt those few years ago. I stumbled over to the my balcony door, closing the curtain over it. I just needed to be by myself.

I somehow found my bathroom door through the tears blurring my vision, and closed it behind me. The tears were running freely down my cheeks and onto Ambers sweater, but I didn't care. All I needed was hot shower to clear my head. My legs felt like they weighed tons as I made my way to the shower, turning the hot water knob to about half, and the cold to a little less. I turned around and came face to face with my reflection. I looked like a mess, to put it lightly. My hair was frizzy and wild from running, and my eyes were puffy from so much crying.

I looked away, my mother's words echoing in my ears; 'worthless', 'ugly'. I've heard them all before, so why do I always get upset? Why do I always get so affected? I stripped Ambers' sweater and my tank top off my body as the steam began to build up. Without meaning to, I looked at my reflection again. My eyes traveled down the mirror, falling on my stomach. I watched as my hands seemed to move on their own, tracing the old, silver marks. The words that had literally left a permanent mark on me; '', '', 'PATHETIC', 'LONER' surrounded by numbers of other lines. An act that use to be the only thing I ever did... until I finally realised that even physical pain doesn't help the emotional and mental one I went through. Although... it did feel good...

My mind went blank as I searched under the sink. I knew this was wrong, that I had been clean for so long, that I would regret this later, but I just hurt so badly on the inside. It's no different if it's on the outside, right? Finally, I found it. I pulled the razor blade out from its old hiding place and set it on the vanity. Tears still streaming down my face, I picked up the razor and placed the tip on an empty place on my stomach, relishing in the feel of blood beginning to fall and pain that it caused, before carving the new word that was haunting my mind. 

A knocking on my door drew my attention from the the doodle I had been drawing immediately. I looked at my balcony door before glancing at the clock on my bedside table; 11:13. She was late tonight.  

I walked over and removed the curtains, only to reveal Amber in her pajamas. She waved at me through the glass and smiled. I couldn't help but smile at how freaking cute she was.  

"Hey, Llama." I said as I let her into my room. She let out a soft chuckle before placing a hand on my head and leaned down. 

"Hello, Xiǎo xióngmāo." She let go, and made herself comfy on my bed. 

"I have yet to figure out what that means." I laughed, sitting beside her. 

"That's not my problem." She smirked. The half-smile left, though, when she looked back at me. "I heard." 

"Heard what?" I asked, tilting my head slightly in confusion. 

"Um, " she shuffled awkwardly before continuing. "I heard what your mom and Aunt were talking about. You told me to go home and I, uh, didn't exactly listen."  

"Oh God." I gasped, my hand flew up to cover my mouth. "I'm so sorry!"  

"It's fine! I kind of figured your mom didn't like me. That's why I was so late. I didn't know if you would still want to hang out if your mom said not to..." 

"No! I still do, it's just, my mom was really mad tonight. I'm sure she didn't mean it." We both knew I was lying, but neither of us said anything. 

"So..." Amber looked around before her eyes fell behind me. "What's that?" I turned around to see none other than... my drawing notebook. She made a grab for it, but I swooped it up just in time. 

"Is that your diary?" She asked while raising an eyebrow. 

"No! It's just my drawing notebook." I said, defensively holding it to my chest. 

"Oh, then let me see." She said, holding out her hand. I shook my head and stood up. 

"Nuh-uh. You can't look in here. No one can." I watched as she stood up too, a smirk on her lips. 

"Hmmm. Yeah, that's just not going to work." Before I knew it, she was chasing me. And my room isn't that large, so I was forced to go in circles, trying to keep down my laughter. I went to move left and go in another circle, but Amber cut me off, grabbing me around my middle. Tightly. 

"Ow!" I whispered as pain shot around my stomach in a fast fury. 

"This doesn't hurt." Amber laughed, still pretty much back-hugging me.  

"Amber, please." I had tears b me eyes, trying to contain the stabbing pain in my lower stomach. She let go immediately, and came around to face me. 

"Blair what's the- Oh my God." I watched as her gaze shifted from my face to my stomach. I looked down to see my white t-shirt speckled in blood. I dropped my notebook and ran into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. "Blair! Are you alright? What the is the matter?" She asked, clearly right on the other side of the door.  

"N-nothing, I'm fine." I said, rummaging through my cabinets for some extra bandages, seeing how I ran out of the medical wrap stuff. I couldn't find anything, and let out a frustrated sigh. I knew I had cut too deep. Jesus, what was I thinking?

"I'm coming in." Before I could even protest, or lock the door, Amber was in my bathroom closing the door behind her. "God, what happened? Why are you bleeding?"  

"Nothing happened." I said defensively, trying to cover up my blood-stained shirt. Bad night to wear white.  

"Did you...." Amber trailed off before shaking her head. "If you're bleeding, I'm going to need a bandage."  

"I don't have any, I checked." She let out a frustrated sigh.  

"Okay, well at least I now know you are, in fact, bleeding." Damn her. "You need to take off your shirt." 

"W-what?" I asked, feeling the heat rush into my cheeks. 

"C'mon, Blair. We're both girls... I need to see what I'm working with."  

After a really long period of silence, pain for me, and staring, I finally sighed. "Alright, just don't say one word during any of it, or after. Okay?" She nodded, and I slowly removed my shirt. It wasn't even fully off before she gasped. I, however, ignored it, and threw my shirt in my hamper. I knew she was looking at me, then at my stomach, but I refused to look at her. She silently led my over to the bathtub and set me down inside. I watched her look for something under the sink, then pull out my brown bottle of peroxide and some cotton balls.  

Amber took her time with the peroxide and rubbing alcohol, making sure to clean me up and stop the bleeding. When it stopped, she placed a gauze she got from downstairs over the word and used medical tape to keep it in place. That was fifteen minutes ago, though. Now, I was laying on my bed, curling into Amber who was laying beside me. We didn't talk about what she saw, what I did, or anything. We didn't talk at all. Even though I was extremely scared of what Amber now thought of me, I couldn't help the feeling of sleep coming over me. My eye lids would keep drooping closed, then I'd shoot them open again. In the past few minutes of silence and Amber, I decided something. After today, I wasn't going to self-harm. With Amber beside me, I felt at peace and strong. I wouldn't do it again, because someone actually cares, and I don't want to leave her. I don't want to ever leave her.

"Go to sleep." Amber whispered, shifting so that her arm I was laying on curled me into her even more. I didn't need to be told twice before I closed my eyes and succumbed to sleep. Before I went, though, I could've sworn I heard, " Nǐ shì wǒ de yīqiè." And felt something warm on my forehead, but I was too tired to realize. 

A/N

SURPRISE! Two updates in a day!! :)

Now to kind of explain this chapter.... I felt like it was necessary to have the argument between Lily and Minny, and I'm sorry if you (the reader) took offense into anything they were saying. It was pretty much to show that Blair's mom is a homophobe and just... Yeah  

To translate what Amber was saying... (because Idk if I translated it correctly) when she said ' Xiǎo xióngmāo ' that means "Little panda". And when she said ' Nǐ shì wǒ de yīqiè' that means "You are my everything" and they were in Chinese. I really hope I translated it correctly.... 

Finally! I'm sorry if the self- harm thing was too much for you. This a very personal chapter to me, but I feel like this style of writing is the best way to connect with readers. Again, I'm sorry if it was too much, and it should be the only one with self-harm in it. 

Please subscribe and comment! :)

Love you my lovelies!!!! (*^▽^)/★*☆♪