I did say that I was not going to do anything...

I did plan that....

At first...

But...

I did not think that I would wake up from a wet dream which was aweso-awfull with so much sweat. I mean sweat a lot at night but only because of nightmares. I am also surprised. Because just yesterday, I thought about my past and that I would not-ever-never start a relationship neither any ual activity.

It is too hard. I can't come to terms with myself. I can't seem to gather myself nor my thoughts. I remember that dream. What I saw. What I said. What I wanted and what I did. I remember all and the feelings. Just like how I felt scared when I woke up from my nightmares, I felt that much nervous and excited when I woke up from this dream. I don't understand. Henry did not excite me this much even though I would choose him to be with me rather than any other person that I know. Because he knows me, all of me. The non-existent relationship with Henry would be the most easiest way to start. But Henry was not the one I dream of. He was not the one who touched me that specially and kissed me...and made love to me...in my dream.

I don't know what to do. But for the first time in this 10 years I got this feeling. It is some kind of courage and hope. It motivated me to try. It felt soooo rare that I did not care that it can finish my perfect friendship. I had to give it a try.

I will seduce Key. And make him love me.

After 1 year....

I had so much courage, so much hope. But that stupid best friend had to destroy it all. This one year I changed a little bit. For him. We hanged out a lot at my place. But I never called him dude or any turn-off things like that, because it didn't feel right to act the same when my feelings changed so much.

I still love him. I still dream about him. But I never directly confessed. I never directly flirted. I wanted to see what he do too. Would he love me the way I am? If not he better not love me anyway. He didn't do anything out of ordinary. He still went to clubbing with me. At first he didn't say anything about my outfit but then he told me that I should may be wear my tomboyish clothes rather than feminine ones because people might recognize me cause of him.

I didn't believe a he said. This is Key for god’s sake. He was the one who asked me why I have to hide my other-real self. I never told him of course. But he wouldn't come to a club with me otherwise. It was weird also truly upsetting. Disappointing...

But I wasn't going to show that I was. So I just said "ok" at first but after 2 nights of clubbing, I refused to go as well. It was depressing. He started to flirt with girls in front of me. And I can for sure say that he was not only -flirting- He was literally making out in front of me. I just couldn't do it. He also drank a lot. More than he could handle and it was a first too. We don't just let go of ourselves in clubs. We just do it when it is a special party with specific people. What he did was dangerous and scandalous. And he did make a scandal of course. At last.

"I told you to stop this Key." I said. We were at my place again, only the two of us. He came right at my place after he read the news.

"I didn't expect the paparazzi’s to be there actually." He said.

"Key, this is not only about last night. And you know it." I walked to him and sat next to him on the sofa with my cup of coffee. "What's going on with you? You have been like this for like...a year. Is there something you don't tell me?"

"No. There is nothing. I just messed up ok? They will forget about it."

"Key, come on . Tell me what's going on?" I said again smiled to un-nerve the mood.

"You, are a . You don't come with me to clubbing anymore girl. Actually, what the hell is wrong with you?" He backfired me with his smile which was obvious not a real one.

"Hey, don’t change the subject and not to me too. I did well by the way. But you mister, did not do good." I said hitting his nose with my finger. He smiled, even laughed a little. That’s my Key.

"I am sorry. I really am. I don't know what wrong with me too." He said. Lie.

I looked at him without saying anything. I had my assumptions. He has been like this after he saw my real feminine self. He did feel something that night. But... Was it good or bad? There was nothing wrong at first. Nothing changed. We talked the same. But did my feminine side became a burden in our friendship? Something uncomfortable? Or did he feel an attraction and he is trying to get rid of that feeling?

Is it alright if I hope?...