Sometimes I think too much. You know how some people say that overthinking is most likely the cause for depression? I think it's true. Thinking leads to over-exaggerating or misunderstanding, which then leads to paranoia, which in a way can lead to depression and sadness. So I always try to tell myself, "Think less, not more!" or "It's probably not even a big deal!" to boost my optimism. It works, most of the time. 

Other days its bad. Thoughts and ideas get tossed back and forth between the different parts of your brain like a ball, and you're a short person in the middle trying to grab it. Sometimes there are too many thoughts and I just can't grasp one idea, or focus on an issue that I want to figure out. Maybe I'm pessimistic and I fuss over small things. Maybe I really do have too many problems. But whatever it is, there are days where my brain is nothing but a piece of meat sitting in my head.

"Well Kimmy, what outrageous thoughts are you thinking that make you say this?", is something you might ask. To be honest, I don't even know why I think about these things or why I fuss over them so much. I think about my friends and my relationship with each and everyone of them. Is it good? Is it in jepoardy? Is there something I need to clear up? I think about my parents, especially my mom. I think about my brother. I even think about my dog. However, I mostly think about Kai.

There's so much that I want to know. So no matter how many times I tell myself not to think about, I do think about it. Then I get confused, then I overthink, then I become frustrated, and then I cry. And I cry and cry and cry, until I have to stop because there are no more tears to cry. I know, it's ridiculous. "It's not even that serious." "He's just a boy." "There are more fish in the sea." are all common things I've been told whenever I tell someone this, so trust me, I do know.

I don't know. I think too much. 

Does he even think of me at all?

Mom noticed that I haven't gotten out of the house since I got back from the trip. We came back on a Thursday, so I had the weekend homework and fuss-free. Or so I thought, but events from the trip kept playing repeatedly in my mind and I couldn't stop myself. I didn't feel like going outside - partially because I was physically tired and partially because I was mentally tired as well. 

I should've expected that she was going to check up on me though. As soon as I heard the knock on my door, I jolted up in my desk chair as I closed my laptop shut and pulled open a textbook ontop of it. The door opened just as I finished flipping to a random page.

"Hi sweetie," she greeted me. I smiled at her in response. My mother opened the door wider to lean against the doorframe, letting my crazed and hyperactive dog run inbetween her legs and onto my bed. I took a second to observe her wearied expression. She always looked like that; Thin lips, face wrinkles, furrowed eyebrows, and sad eyes. However she always managed to smile somehow. It really impressed me how strong she was trying to be.

"Hey mommy," I said after a moment. Her eyes flickered to the textbook I was leaning on. "Just studying?" she questioned. I nodded, and she returned the gesture before clearing .

"Well, there's chicken in the fridge if you decide to eat lunch. I'm surprised you haven't begged me to allow you to go to the mall or the movies yet," she said, her furrowed eyebrows now un-furrowed and raised.

I chuckled before shaking my head. "Not this weekend. I kinda just want to rest."

She closed my door without saying anything. 

My mother and father have been on bad terms for as long as I can remember. I only have a handful of family memories that we've made together. I can't even recall how they would look like standing next to each other, that's how distant they are. I don't know the details, but I can tell they've both been through a lot. I just see my mom more often, so I can see much more of the stress in her face and in her actions than I see in my father. Sometimes she'll sigh for no reason, and sometimes she'll randomly say "Oh God, please." just out of nowhere. One day I'd like to know the full story on what happened. 

I want them to permanently seperate as soon as possible. I hate seeing two people that I care about in constant misery because of the other. They're both completely good individuals who just aren't good for each other.

I exhaled sharply as I tilted my head back and filled my head with thoughts of chicken.

It was cold. I shivered as I pulled my hood up. 

Kai and I were walking back home after getting off of the bus. I was excited because we had just gotten on our winter break. I was also excited because it was going to be my first Christmas with Kai. 

"Do you want anything?" I asked him, only pulling out one earbud so I could still enjoy my music while keeping conversation. Kai glanced in my direction before shrugging.

"Not anything in particular. Please don't get me something," he said, waving his hand at me.

I frowned. "Why not? I mean, we're friends--"

He snickered.

"--and I give my friends presents for Christmas." I ignored his snicker because I was already used to the mild and rude jokes he always made at me. 

Kai gave me another shrug before tilting his head in thought. "Preferrably something edible, I guess." I made sure to make a mental note of that.

"Though," he continued. "I'll probably end up throwing it away anyways." A goofy grin spread across his cheeks as he flicked his hips to collide with mine.

For a short moment I lost my balance and nearly fell. After a blunt stumble, I got a hold of gravity once more and stabilized myself while scowling at Kai. "You're seriously so mean. Maybe I won't get you anything at all."

I huffed past him without looking back, but I could hear him laughing as he effortlessly picked up his pace to keep up with me. I didn't need to look at him to see his smile. "I'm kidding Kimmy. I'm just kidding," he chuckled, patting my head.

I snapped out of my daydream. I didn't realize it had become that late. 

Turning off the lights, I bit my lip. "Don't overthink. Don't overthink. Don't overthink."