Chapter Four - Memories

"Master Yifan, shouldn't you be sleeping right now?" Junmyeon asked as he saw Yifan still seated on his favorite chair by the window. Yifan turned his head around to look at Junmyeon.

Even if it was night time, Junmyeon had smooth fair skin that was glowing, what more with the lights in the house, courtesy of Jongdae?

Yifan just shrugged and went back to watching outside the window. "Shouldn't you be sleeping, Junmyeon?" He asked. Junmyeon chuckled.

"Master Yifan, you sound as if you don't need sleep anymore."

"Well, I don't."

"Yes, you do, Master Yifan. Not sleeping isn't going to kill you."

Yifan stiffened in his seat and his brows furrowed. He knew where this was going. No one knew about his immortality except Junmyeon, who came to work as a butler in his mansion for the past three years. When Junmyeon caught Yifan trying to cut his wrists, he was panicking because Yifan was losing too much blood. But at the end of the day, even though Yifan's room was almost a pool of blood, Yifan's face wasn't pale. This made Junmyeon curious so he asked Yifan about it. Yifan told him about immortality, and he thought Junmyeon was going to get scared and run away from the mansion. But he didn't. He loyally stayed and Yifan was grateful for that. Ever since that day, Junmyeon was secretly talking to Yifan about the immortality thing, and the two got used to it until the other servants left.

"And what are you trying to imply there, Junmyeon?" Yifan growled softly. He didn't like it when Junmyeon was giving him advices like this.

"I just want you to sleep, Master Yifan."

"Is Jongdae asleep?"

"I know you try to change the subject, Master."

Yifan stood up and walked towards Junmyeon and glared at him. "Just leave me alone." Junmyeon just grinned.

Ugh. He's annoying like Jongdae. "I'm serious, Junmyeon. Stop smiling. What are you going to do?"

Junmyeon was still grinning. It was getting in Yifan's nerves.

"Junmyeon."

"I'm going to stay like this if you're not going up, Master."

Yifan rolled his eyes. "Ugh. Fine." He walked past Junmyeon and he grumbled as he stomped his way in the stairs.

"Quiet, Master! You'll wake Jongdae up!" Junmyeon called out jokingly. Yifan turned around to look at him, brows furrowed.

Is he the owner of this mansion?! Yifan thought. But he went upstairs to his room anyway.

He locked his door and leaned on it. He didn't want to sleep. It only made him wish he wasn't going to wake up again. And the more he slept, the more he wished he was dead, knowing it was never going to come true.

He walked towards his king-sized bed and sat on it, but not before hitting on something that fell on the floor.

He stared at it. The thing was glistening under the moonlight, so he picked it up.

It was a necklace, with a letter Y designed with shining little diamonds.

This necklace, he suddenly remembered.

The necklace, of someone important. Of someone he truly loved.

The necklace of Zhang Yixing, his deceased lover.

And memories kept running back to his mind.

The hospital couldn't do anything to save him. Yifan was begging the doctors to save his lover. But the doctors only shook their heads in sadness.

Not even money could cure the rare sickness Yixing had. And now he was dying and they couldn't do anything about it. And even if they could, it would still be hopeless because there was a big possibility that Yixing would still die because he was already old.

"Yifan..." Yixing called him weakly. Yifan's young-looking face had tears were threatening to fall from his eyes. He held Yixing's wrinkled, weak, pale hand and held it between his hands.

"You're going to  be okay, Yixing. I promise." Yifan assured him. But Yixing shook his head and laughed softly.

"No Yifan. I know this was going to happen anyway. I'm already old and dying always happens."

"I don't want you to die yet, Yixing. I don't want you to leave me." Yifan pleaded. "Please, hold on a little bit longer."

"No, I can't anymore, Yifan. Besides, I'm old and sick. Why would you still want me to live?"

"I don't care if you're old. I love you and that's never going to change! I don't want to let you die. Please."

"I can't anymore. No matter how hard I try." Yixing looked at Yifan's handsome tear-stained face. He was still as young as he met him. He smiled and let a tear fall down from his eye.

Yixing reached for his own neck to grab a shiny necklace and wrenched it weakly from his neck and weakly gave it to Yifan, who hesitantly held it.

"I don't want you to be sad, Yifan. So I'm going to give you this. Promise me you'll remember me through this."

"..."

"Promise?" Yixing weakly gave a smile as he looked at Yifan expectantly.

Yifan looked at him and smiled softly, eyes red, and he nodded. "I promise."

Yixing sighed contentedly."I'm lucky that I met and loved you, Yifan. You're the best lover one could have. If you're going to love again -"

"Stop this nonsense, Zhang Yixing."

"- That person's really a lucky one to have you. I - I hope you would love happily with another again."

"No, I won't love anybody else but you."

"This is the end then, Yifan. I thank you for everything. Always remember I love you."

"Yixing, please!"

"Goodbye." And the hand on Yifan's grip went limp.

Yifan was supposed to keep his promise. He promised Yixing he would never forget him. But what did he do?

He locked away every memory he had with Yixing, he tried to forget everything about Yixing.

He wanted to forget that he loved Yixing.

And now this necklace showed up, and now all the memories were coming back again.

No please. Make this stop. Yifan cradled his head in his hands and placed his elbows on his knees. Tears were falling down from his eyes.

It hurt so much just to remember Yixing again. His heart was clenching upon knowing the fact that he wasn't there for him anymore. He left him a lot of years ago.

What year was that? 1915? And now was year 1972. He was dead a long time ago.

And Yifan had to live with no one to love anymore.

He really wished he could go with Yixing now.

He slammed his fist on his bedside table and he ruffled his hair angrily. He then remembered something and he opened his bedside drawer to reveal an unopened sleeping pill. He brought it to to his room, but he never used it, because he thought it wasn't going to work anyway. But now he wanted to try to die. He wanted to be with Yixing now.

He had no reason to live anymore.

He opened it, and placed the mouth of the bottle near his open mouth, but he glanced at the door and wondered if Junmyeon would even enter and disturb him, but he didn't care.

Please. Make this work. Please.

He tilted the bottle and the pills went straight to his mouth and there, he just waited for sleep/death to come. He lied down on his bed with tears falling from his eyes.

He felt his breathing get slower, his pulse get slower and eventually, his eyes closed. He couldn't hear anything anymore.

His heart stopped and he died with a smile on his face. Finally he would be able to be with Yixing now.

Or so he thought.

"Yifan?" he heard a voice call him. "Yifan." Again, it was becoming louder this time. He felt his body was being shaken.

"Yifan tell me! What did you do with these pills?!" The voice seemed familiar. But it wasn't Yixing's, no. It wasn't Junmyeon's either.

The voice was warm and soothing, even though the owner was already shouting at him.

Who was it?

He felt hands shaking him harshly by the shoulders. Warm hand cupping the side of his face. It was comforting.

Why was he still feeling something? Wasn't he supposed to be dead?!

"Oh my god. Junmyeon hyung! I need help here! Junmyeon hyung! Where's that guy when you need him - Yifan! Wake up!" The voice was panicking now, as the hands kept on shaking him.

Yifan's eyes shot open and he could see the white ceiling of his room, the sun's rays faintly lighting the room because of the curtains, and Jongdae's panicking face.

Wait. He was still alive.

No way.

His eyes were wide as he sat up, leaving Jongdae shocked because he was so sure Yifan wasn't breathing anymore! What happened?!

"Yifan? You - you're alive! I thought you were dead because you weren't breathing anymore." Jongdae said as he looked at Yifan with concern.

"I - I'm still alive."

"Yes-"

"Why?" Yifan's tears were falling now. Jongdae was shocked. Why?

Yifan's shoulders shook as he covered his face with his hands.

"Yifan are you okay?-"

Just then he was pushed away by Yifan. He was having a tantrum now. Jongdae's eyes were wide as he watched Yifan stand up and ruin everything in his room, the mattress, the table, the glass pictures hanging by the wall near him and Yifan was screaming.

"Why am I still alive?!" He screamed again as he slid down onto the floor, shoulders shaking as he cried. "Why do you have to punish me like this?! I don't want to live anymore. I've no reason to live anymore."

No reason to live anymore? Jongdae went near.

"Yifan -"

"Don't get near me!" Yifan snapped, causing Jongdae to stop for a while, but Jongdae stood up and went near him still.

"I said don't get near me!" Yifan hugged his knees and stayed glued at the side of his bedframe. He placed his head on his knees.

A hand touched his shoulder and Yifan stiffened. Jongdae was in front of him now and he kneeled down to Yifan's level.

"I demand you to get away from my sight and -" Yifan looked up to push Jongdae away, but he was cut off when Jongdae touched the back of his head and brought it close to his chest. Yifan stiffened.

Jongdae was hugging him.

He tried to push him away, but it only made Jongdae hug him even more. He sniffeled.

"Sssh." Jongdae rubbed soothingly at the back ot Yifan's head and rocked him softly left and right. "Stop crying." A hand went down to his back to pat him gently.

"You don't understand. I want to die, but I can't."

"I do, Yifan. I understand. You can tell me. I can understand." Jongdae said with that soothing voice of his.

Before Yifan knew it, he wrapped his arms around Jongdae's waist tightly, pulling him closer, as he cried.