Dear Hyun,

You might find this letter after I'm dead. I hope you're happy with Kyuhyun.

I don't want you to know I have tumor cancer until I'm dead, but I do want you to know the fact. I figured this letter is my best chance of communicaiting with you.

I don't even know if you truly loved me. But for me, my world started with you.

I used to be the troublemaker sitting at the back of the class. In the darkness, headphones on, texting or sleeping with my head down.

But you brought me into the light.

The first day you came, I fell in love with you. I knew it from the beginning. But I remember your expression when you first saw me. Disgust, like I was the worst of the human beings.

I decided to change. You were innocent and pure, so I had to be like that too.

But it was hard. I couldn't change the habits I've been keeping for 15 years in a day. But when I pulled up a chair next to you in that ice cream shop and introduced myself, my heart thumped for the first time. It beated fast, and although I tried to act cool about it, you probably noticed my whole head turning red.

Still, I didn't change unitl that day.

It was our teacher's birthday. You wanted to get him something. I stared at the world in the wrong way. Like it was such a terrible place. So I refused to donate money to help pay.

You could've just found another person. Many people were willing to pay more than $5. But you decided to change me. I was your new project.

That night you called me up. When I reluctantly got outside, you talked to me. And more importantly, you listened. When no one else asked me why I'm like this, you brought me out.

That afternoon, with everyone's eyes on me, I gave you the $5.

Your eyes sparkled, because you just suceeded in your first part of the plan. But my eyes twinkled because I felt great, just you flashing your smile at me.

You probably don't even remember our days we spent together as friends. But I remember every single day. The 15 year old was so obsessd with Hyun that he kept a journal and wished on the star every night that Hyun would fall for him.

Then, when we were alone in the classroom after school because it was our turn to clean the classroom, I blurted it out.

I blurted out that I was in love with you. That I fell for you since the day you came. (A/N We'll say that  they are the same age.)

You ran out of the classroom, your face red. I stood there, feeling like the world crashed down on me. My world ended. 

Then I heard footsteps, except this time, they were getting closer. You came back.

"I... I think I might like you back..." You smiled shyly at me.

But despite all the time you told me you loved me, you never loved me as much as I did. Because no one can love anyone as much as I love you.

I hoped you'll like me as much.

But you didn't. And it's not your fault.

It's our 2000th day later this year. But Hyun... fate was cruel, because I'm not going to live to see that.

I wanted to go on our 2000th day trip. I wanted to go to the beach with you and hold hands taking a walk. But I can't do that anymore.

Hyun... I"m sorry. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to go underground. I didn't want to live in a hole in the dirt like this.

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to stop breathing. 

Oh wait. Yes I can. Because I experience that every time you even mention the fact that you might leave me.

Is it possible to die from a heartache? If it is, I would already be dead, because you can't even count the times when my heart ripped in half because I didn't see you, even for a day. 

I experienced that every day when you went to Africa. I called you every day. You thought I was being pesky and overprotective. But I didn't do it for you. I did it for myself. Because it physically hurt when I didn't even hear your voice. Because it actually hurts when I miss you.

You never called me first. You didn't tell me "I love you" since about a year ago. 

Did I ever cross your mind when you went to Africa? Did you even remember my birthday?

I waited that day. I waited for you to call me and say Happy Birthday. I waited.

But you forgot. I bet you still don't remember that you forgot my birthday.

But for me, everyday is marked with something because of you.

Seohyun's Birthday

Date with Seohyun

A day I didn't get to see Hyun

But you never even remembered my birthday.

I can tell it in your eyes, Hyun. You want to break up with me. You want to go to someone that makes you happy. 

And you can. No, you have to.

Because I won't be around to love you anymore.

You can go... just wait 6 months.

My biggest fear isn't death. It's dying without you. 

Remember we broke up for a week? I went out and drank the whole week. I got arrested because I started swearing in the middle of the shop.

But I'm being so selfish. I won't be able to make you happy anymore, but I want to keep you here.

They say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

I'm going to let you go today. And I hope by the time you read this letter you come back to me.

You used to yell at me for smoking. Well, you were right. You always were, Hyun, because it's the smoking that got me in to this mess in the first place.

Junhee knew. Jonghyun knew. Even your best friend, Yoona knew. And I asked Yoona to get you a new boyfriend. 

They're begging me to get a donor. They say I can live.

Well, here's the unfortunate truth.

This isn't some movie or romance book. I'm going to die in the next six months, because I can't get a donor.

A donor is only possible when it's the first time your cancer cells acted up.

This isn't my first time.

Do you remember the short period of time when I was in the hospital? I told you it was a really bad cold... but it wasn't.

I never get colds. It was cancer.

I didn't think I'd die so soon, Hyun. I thought I'd have plenty of time to do all the things I wanted to do with you. Go ice skating, go skiing, go swimming... 

I didn't know those tragic stories of lovers torn apart by cancer would be ours. It seemed so different from our lives. It wasn't...

You'll grow up to get married. You'll have kids of your own, with a husband much better than me.

You'd love all the things society has to offer for an amazing person like you.

And I hope you enjoy your life, although I wished the husband was me. Because now do I realize that being alive and finding you was the greatest gift of my life.

^^ I'm getting cheesy now. But it really was, because the last 6 years of my life that I dated you was the best moments of my life... although I'm only 21, so that's more than a quarter of my life...

I'll be waiting in heaven. At least, I hope I go to heaven. If I go to the other place, I wouldn't see you again, because an angel like you would go to heaven.

Sometimes, I wondered if God sent you here so you can turn me into a human being instead of a beast. You were the greatest gift of my life, Seo JooHyun. And I think I'll miss you the most, despite my parents.

Do you know why Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story? Because it's like our story. You turned the beast into a human. The only difference?

We won't have a happy ending. Belle would go off to marry that evil Guston, and Beast would die alone. Forever alone.

If I do get reborn, I want to be reborn as forget-me-nots. They're your favorite flower. I would be anything that can put a smile on your face.

I have one last wish. I already had the name for our kids picked out. Jung Yongseo. Jung YongHyun. If you do get the chance, please name them like that. 

If your husband is furious about this letter and demanding to know about me, tell him there's nothing to worry about. I'm a man of the past.

I'm crying as I write this. Past... that's all I will ever become to you. But you were my life. 

Past... I wanted to become your future, Hyun, I really did. 

I don't want to go in a hole. If I go in a hole, I can't kiss you, or hug you, or even hold your hand. I can't even call out your name anymore.

But I have to. That's why I want you to do all those things before I die. For me.

But this is false hope. And knowing you, I'm probably starting to bore you. So I will stop for now.

Oh, I almost forgot! I love you.

To be contunued... from Yong