Revelation
Letters Delivered by Angels (Editing)
My counselor sat across from me with a cherry smile plastered on her face. I was trying not to snigger - she had lipstick on her teeth. "Only three appointments left before your holiday... " she thought out loud, as she contemplated what to do next. I let out a big sigh of relief, finally this torture is over and I can go back to regular life. "Have you still been writing letters to Jinki?" She asked carefully. "Yeah..." She wrote something in her notebook fast before paying her attention back to me. "And has he been replying?" I averted eye contact, "Well, it's a whole new place and he's just moved in, also the academics at the school is pretty up there in terms of difficulty. Of course I'm not saying he can't handle it - he's always been smart..." "Well"- I cut in before she could finish. "It takes a while to adapt to a whole new university it's his first year of course so he hasn't been in contact." "Has he been in contact at all this year?" I noticed a loose thread on my cardigan and fiddled with it. "For the first few months we talked on the phone and emailed each other quite a bit, he also came back after the first semester. But it's gotten harder". "You could still call each other. Why have you resorted to writing letters?" The thread was getting longer and longer. "I'm sorry, can I please borrow a pair of sci"-
The counselor touched my hand with a sympathetic look, waiting until I made eye contact with her. "Honey, Jinki passed away in a car accident 5 months ago".
He's laying down in the coffin wearing a suit. I chuckled - if he saw what he was wearing he would too. He would much rather be wearing a hoodie, a plain white t-shirt, sneakers and jeans. My brother gave me a stare that said, "This women is completely crazy". He didn't understand. In Jinki's hands he was holding on to an orchid, "the flower of death". What's he doing holding that? I reach out with the intent to rip it out of his hands, but then his cold skin surprises me. I startle and fall to the floor.
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I hate you Jinki. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for lying. I hate you for not keeping your promise.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
"Hyerin, I've been told you didn't go to your last counselling session," my mum said with a concerned tone, as she peeked through the door to my room.The room was covered in ripped pieces of letters. The ones I had written to Jinki. She gasped and ran in, craddling me while I tried to shove her away, "You all lied to me! He's dead... he's gone.. forever...""We didn't lie to you. You lied to yourself". I wept. She was right. "It's my fault, it's all my fault... he came here to visit me because I said I missed him. And then... a-and then.." "It's not your fault. The driver was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing. It's not your fault."
I thought about everything. The day I sent you off to college was devastating. I didn't want you to go but of course it was your dream. Summer had seemingly passed in a flash, and it felt like we were barely together although in truth we spent every second by each other's side. For a few nights my dad even let you stay over, although he made you sleep on the couch. "Men have needs," he repeated over and over when I glared at him. When I was at the airport I waved goodbye to you thinking it was for the best.
Now I think it is the worst decision I have ever made.
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