Dear Jinki

These few days have all been somewhat stressful. I've been having some really bizarre dreams.

In the first one I'm not really sure what was going on but I was in a rush. I was trying to shove all these suitcases into this trunk while juggling my passport and a ticket (but I'm not sure where to). Wait, I remember something, the car was a really alarming shade of yellow... it was a taxi I'm sure. I think I was late because I didn't really notice the pungent smell of alcohol that was reeking inside until I looked up to see something coming directly at me. There was a heavy slam against the side of head... then I woke up.

The rest I've forgotten but I've become quite anxious. Maybe I should tell my counselor about this...

Today your parents came over for dinner. Your mum bought over your photo album. Inside there were heaps of photos from when we were kids to high school. In one we're proudly holding our diplomas (I barely made it - phew) and in the background Sooyeon is making v-signs behind our heads so we looked like rabbits. There's also photos from our end of year school trip and us playing in the snow. There's a few photos of you when you were here months ago, but the album ends there. It seems somewhat eerie.

Dinner was a bit quiet and you parents left in what seemed like a hurry. They look thinner, stressed and... upset to be honest. It makes me worried. Has everything been fine? They kept bringing up when we were kids... sort of how I'm writing these letters to you I suppose.

I can't help mentioning it though. I keep reminiscing. Do you remember our first day as a "couple"? We caught the bus together since I, as you had predicted, slept in. It was all new to me and I felt hesitant about what to do. Everything seemed exactly how it was - yet slightly different. It's hard to explain it, but it's like a painting in a way. Just one change of colour can change the whole direction of your work. So as I stepped onto the bus I noticed the little things. First you paid for my fare then you reached for my wrist and led me to a seat. I noticed that although being close to you had that old sense of security that I knew so well there was also a different feeling. A feeling that was like when you had wrapped your arms around me while we played video games, or like that previous night when our eyes had locked. You held the railing above and leaned down to talk to me. I thought you seemed laidback, nonchalant almost so I asked you about it, "You seem so relax about this whole thing... you must have had a lot of experience". You ducked your head and laughed, "No I haven't. In fact I thought all girls had to wear a diaper for quite some time." We chuckled at the memory. ". "How many girlfriends have you had then?" You held up two with your free hand. "Sooyeon I assume is one of them". You gave a sheepish grin, "You guessed right... the other is you". I smiled. "Why are you so positive then?" You reached down for my hand, I didn't even notice the bus stop outside our school. "Because I know this is right".

When we walked into school that day there was a variety of different reactions; gasps, "they won't last", "what the hell", a few smiles, and even looks of envy (directed at both you and I). Through the whole ordeal we never let go though, our hands were entwined in a lock. 

It was our first kiss that day too. It wasn't a kiss like the foam kiss in Secret Garden, or the scarf kiss in High Kick, or the heartbreaking kiss in Dream High - it was much better. We were sitting in the library to escape the light teasing we got from your friends as well as the girls all treating us like puppies and screeching "YOU TWO ARE SO ADORABLE!" We were both reading thick novels and the sun shone through the window above us gently. "What are you reading?" you asked suddenly. "Please Look After Mom by Shin Kyungsook," I whispered, trying to avoid the librarian's attention. "Come closer, I can't hear you." I stretched across the table and repeated myself. "I really don't think now is the right time to mention mothers," you replied. Baffled, I looked at your face trying to read the meaning behind your words. I know this is cliche but for a second every stopped. I could feel your breath brushing across my skin and something inside me flamed. It was the first time I felt such a desire to pull someone else closer to me. The distance between us closed and then became what was our first kiss. It was gentle, barely there almost like someone whispering a secret. But then it got deeper and needier and almost desperate. The chair beneath me protested weakly but I barely noticed.

This is why it took us both by surprise when the chair broke and I fell to the floor in a heap. You jumped to my aid, "I know this is a bad time since you might have a concussion but that was, as cheesy as this sounds, the best thing that's ever happened to me... yet". You gave a wink and I pushed you away in exasperation. The librarian rushed to us upon hearing the sound but instead of asking if I was okay, she told us we were banned from the library. 

We laughed all the way back to class.

I miss you.