A male interviewer from the Japan’s Goethe magazine stared in disbelief. Sitting in front of him was Choi Seung-hyun or commonly known as T.O.P. To hear that this idol was feeling such pain made him very surprised, as T.O.P is a successful young idol, who is popular in both Japan and Korea.  No one would have ever guessed that he was suffering.

T.O.P: After live performances and photo shootings, I would be alone in my room and I would feel this confusion or chaos. A feeling that would draw me back to the real world. Because of that, I wasn’t able to sleep for many nights.

Before they had met, the interviewer had known T.O.P. He was a member of a hip hop vocal group, BIGBANG. BIGBANG is known for its great vocals and the over-powering live stages and the group was already huge in Japan. T.O.P stands out not only with his handsome looks and style, but his low-tone raps and his strong manly performances. That is why he has a large fan base, which includes not only women, but men from the same age group. His talent is not just to perform music, but to act as well. In the Korean drama “IRIS”, he played a role of a professional killer and nailed it. He broke the theory of, “Musicians can’t act”.

For those reasons, the interviewer would have never thought that such a successful man would be feeling the sense of isolation.

T.O.P: On stage, I have to be T.O.P and in dramas, I have to act out a character. So when I put all that out of my mind and calmed myself down, I was thinking “Who am I really?”. For a period of time, I felt that I didn’t know myself.

It came as a sad realization to the interviewer that being in a very stimulating world as a celebrity is what made the man before him have an identity crisis.  “How are you trying to come to a resolution between your two identities” was the interviewer’s last question.

T.O.P: I’m not sure; this is a question I’ve been struggling with for a while.  Recently, I have taken a different approach in finding an answer.  I wanted to find a place where I can clear my mind and relax – I’ve stumbled onto one finally.  The atmosphere there has a soothing effect on me.  There’s great coffee and amazing company.  Hopefully, this place can help me arrive to an answer.

The interviewer raised his eyebrows in question. “Amazing company . . . ?”  Seeing the idol’s mischievous grin, the interviewer began to chuckle – he knew would not be able to pull anymore inquires on T.O.P’s place of retreat.  The interviewer was left to wonder who the woman was that captured T.O.P’s attention.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hana placed two iced coffees stood on the counter and glanced at the door.  Two weeks had passed since her mug was returned and every morning since then Seung Hyun would stop by the café.  He would always order an iced coffee with two shots of espresso.  But recently Hana had fallen into the habit of making the drink before he even came.  There was no guarantee he would show up but somehow she knew he would – and he always did.  For one hour before the time customers usually come in, they would have the café to themselves. 

The same question was asked each day by Seung Hyun “How was yesterday?” and Hana never got tired of it.  She would narrate her day and then stand up to act out the interesting customers she encountered.  While she did most of the talking, her listener remained engaged – he found her to be very entertaining.  As if returning the favor for making him laugh, Seung Hyun would mimic the hilarious sayings and habits of Korean actors and singers.  Though they had just met – he always kept her comfortable.  She could tell he was naturally outgoing and quite the comedian. Every visit from him was a constant exchange of laughter.

He was a very mysterious person.  Hana loved to share her adventures in Europe and her cookng experiences but Seung-Hyun barely talked about himself.  He was also very elusive. If a customer came in, the black sun glasses would slip back onto his face and soon as the customer left so would the glasses.  And as soon the clock hit 9am he would promptly take his leave.  Though curious why he hid his face and why he left at the time, Hana never asked and Seung Hyun never explained. 

A familiar scene played out again – the door to the café opened slowly and Seung-Hyun came in.  It didn’t surprise him to find Hana behind the counter with her back facing him. She was half-hidden by the dessert she worked on.  Her face was set, intent.  He saw the faint line that might’ve been temper or concentration run down her brows. Her eyes were narrowed, the lashes swept down so that the expression was unreadable.

As Seung-Hyun stood, as far outside of the melee as possible, he watched her patiently, methodically apply and smooth on layer after layer.  There was no hesitation in hands – something he noticed with approval even as he noted the fine-boned elegant shape of them.  There was no lack of confidence in her stance.

He waited as she completed her work.  On the last swirl, she stepped back.  There was a communal sigh of appreciation and then a gasp of shock when she saw him behind her.  “You just like sneaking up behind me don’t you?” she jokingly said.

She grabbed the other iced coffees and they sat down at the table.  “As a professional dessert chef, I only strive for perfection. Nothing less is acceptable” she proudly stated. 

“I can tell and I enjoy watching you cook – you are so focused at the task at hand and I end up getting caught up in your concentration” Seung-Hyun said as he took a sip of his drink.  “I can understand how you get lost in your work; I’m the exact same way with my job.”

 “But…” he paused for a bit and his brown eyes seemed to become distant. “I’m in a career where the more I immerse myself in what I do, the more I’m losing my sense of identity”.

Hana was taken aback for Seung-Hyun never brought up what he did for a living.  Though he didn’t specify what exactly his job was, she was contented that he was revealing more about himself and she wanted to help him.

“Being under the spotlight as a professional in my field - the real world seemed dark and often I felt like I lost my way. In those times what saved me was remembering why I started cooking” she said softly. “My reason for starting was that cooking made me happy and I wanted to share those emotions with others”. Hana looked Seung-Hyun in the eye. “What was your reason for starting your career?”

He smiled reminiscently, “I wanted to send messages to the world. However, I did not feel that I had to be a role model. I sometimes wanted to be challenging or provocative and also truthful to the world as well. I always felt the responsibility to show a new side of me, but that is the fate of being an expressive person.”

He was talking to her but at the same she felt like he was having an inner dialogue with himself.  Hana had feeling that their conversation would resolve the turmoil that was going on inside him.

Seung-Hyun’s voice became more animated “I think about yesterday, today and tomorrow and confuse myself. However, I feel that I have to do that to create something new in what I’m doing. That’s why I’m the kind of person to willingly confuse myself. The process of that is a little hard, but I know that the pain would turn into the energy to keep going, so I am not scared”.

Hana beamed and Seung-Hyun returned the smile. After hearing that from him, Hana could see that he had an extreme awareness of what he was doing and that he was regaining the pride he had for his job. “You’ve finally obtained the identity you were searching for” she said.   

He shook his head in amusement "If the answer to figuring out who I am, was this simple - why did it take me so long?  People might look back at their lives and say they spent their youth going crazy over love, but for me, I want to look back at my youth and say that I spent everything on work. To say that someday with confidence, I have to work harder."

He raised his glass for a toast "Thank you for helping me realizing what I had lost - my purpose".

 Hana raised her glass to meet his. He was looking at her with eyes full of bright appreciation.   It was then her heart began to beat a little faster.  She breathed in slowly but all she could her hear was her heart thumping against her chest.  Ambition was something she understood. She had a lot of her own.  When she chose permanence in a relationship – something Hana considered was at least a decade away – she wanted someone who understood that her career came first.  This man understood that. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading chapter 4! Just a note - the interview with T.O.P is part of the actual interivew with Goethe magazine. The full article is really amazing to read and I recommend everyone to check it out.  Its very emotional.