He was right. Jinki deserved to be with someone who loved more than anything. And that someone wasn’t me. I had been so mad at Taemin for saying those harsh things to me, but that was only because I knew he was right. I didn’t want to face it before, but I wasn’t in love with our leader. I still had feelings for Jonghyun. I wasn’t happy about it, but it was the truth.

I had spent weeks pondering my options. I would always end up asking myself the same question:  Should I be with someone who could hurt me deeply again or be with the nice guy who was so understanding?

I had felt like I had to choose between those two, but I finally realized that I didn’t have to. Being with either of them didn’t seem right at the moment.

Regarding my relationship with Jinki, I had confused love and friendship. I had been so grateful to him for helping me get through the break up that I started thinking ‘That’s the person I should be with. He’s done so much for me.’ I actually believed for some time that we should be together. But everyone else seemed to think that I wasn’t being honest with myself.

I finally realized that they were right. I didn’t want to end up hurting him more by lying about my feelings, so it was better for us to just stay friends.

With Jonghyun, things were a little more complicated. I had tried to keep a distance between us, but I was starting to feel bad about it. I could see he was making efforts to make things right. It was sad to see everyone give him the cold shoulder, even though he deserved it. He had hurt us; his behavior couldn’t be easily forgiven.

I still couldn’t believe he had put me through all this pain because of his insecurities. He might have not realized it, but I had always known how insecure he was about his image and his talent. That’s why I had always tried to compliment him and be as caring as I could be with him. I also knew that he was comparing himself to me and that just made me mad, because he was an amazing person and all I had ever wanted was for him to see that. 

I think that’s why him leaving me hurt so much. He resented me for something I had no control on. I hated him for ruining our happiness over something so superficial. If he had opened up me, we could’ve worked things out…

But things didn’t go that way and at this point, there was no need to rehash the past and be bitter about what had happened. It couldn’t be changed so the only thing we could all do was move forward. I could see that it was what Jonghyun was trying to do now. It looked to me like he was ready to let go of all those negative emotions.

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I am trying to finish this nicely, but if you have any ideas don't be shy and share them. XD