Drunken laughter bounced from wall to wall of EunNeul’s makeshift apartment. Evidence of it being a dance studio were scattered around the large one room living space. From the wood floors to the long bar that stretched from one side of the room to the other, the room was certainly small for an apartment. I stumbled over to the couch where EunNeul sat with her head swaying from side to side, her hand gripped tight around a half empty soju bottle. Small giggles escaped her lips when I handed her another bottle as she swatted it away, “Not another one!”

I laughed at her low tolerance of alcohol and took the bottle she had away from her. I took a sip from it when she burst out laughing, “Bwaha…Indirect kiss with Kim Jong In!”

Her lips puckered up while her eyes shut as she leaned in for a kiss when her body fell back on the couch. She continued to laugh as I continued to watch with amusement. I took another sip from her bottle and set it on the coffee table, “I didn’t know you had such a low tolerance of alcohol.”

EunNeul mumbled incoherent words before speaking up, “I never liked alcohol…It’s icky.”

Her body outstretched across the couch, her legs falling over my lap. I gasped as she rolled over onto her back letting her legs rub against my thighs, “I’ll remember that for next time, then.”

I grumbled as my eyes wandered to the girl beside me. Her hair formed a fan around her head while her hands were sprawled over her stomach. The expression on her face was strained but the moment I placed a hand on her bare leg she relaxed, “You’re so warm.”

She groaned with her eyes shut while fidgeting under my touch, “You’re cold.”

I mindlessly began to trace patterns on her smooth skin with my fingertips as I stared around her apartment. Beside the couch was a small twin bed that rested against the far wall with a bookshelf used a divider between her bed and her desk. On the other side of the room was a small kitchen and beside that a few racks of her clothes and the door that led to her bathroom.

I envied her cozy apartment.

For one it was right above a dance studio and two it didn’t feel empty. There was life in this apartment, there was character, and there was a presence to it that made it welcoming. I continued to trace her legs without a thought about my actions when a hand latched onto my wrist as I mindlessly made my way up her thigh, “What are you doing?”

I looked down at my hand as it pushed up a bit of her skirt and quickly retracted it to my side, “Sorry.”

Silence took its place between us, the occasional sound of the city below breaking the tension. In the corner of my eye I could see EunNeul looking at me as she lay beside me. I gulped nervously when EunNeul sat up with her legs still over my shoulder and her body facing my side, “What are you thinking about?”

I turned my head to her as her chin rested on her knees, “Nothing, I was just thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” Her fingertips came up to swipe my bangs out of my face and I sat frozen as they trailed down my cheek.

“Life.”

EunNeul scoffed and was about to move her legs off of me but reflexively I reached for them and held them in place. The warmth from her body formed a blanket over me that shielded me from the cold chill running through apartment. We stared at each other as my hand trailed down her legs to her ankles; they stopped there with a tight yet gentle grip.

“Life .” She let me keep my hold on her as she rested her forehead on my shoulder. I laughed and slowly moved my arm so it rested beside her on the back of the couch.

“My life …” I chuckled drily as I twirled strands of her hair with my fingers.

“I wouldn’t know anything about that, but if you think your life …Mine is hell.”

She looked up at me with a glassy look in her eyes as she searched my face. Her flicked back and forth nervously, not knowing where to look when I brushed the hair from her face and tucked it behind her hair, “How so?”

My eyes watched as my hand moved from her hair to her neck and down to her collarbone where it slowly slipped down to my lap. Her eyes followed my hand with me when she looked behind us out the window, “I-I’m sitting here with a guy I’ve loved since I was fifteen years old, “ she shook her head wildly and wiped her eyes, “realizing that who I fell for is nothing compared to who he actually is.”

My jaw tightened and I swallowed the words I felt like yelling when I saw that she was crying. With restricted movements I turned my head to her and lifted her jaw up so she was looking at me, “Are you disappointed?”

I wasn’t one to admit it often but I was slightly hurt by EunNeul’s words. How could she blindly and naively fall for someone she knew nothing about?

I was an idol.

We weren’t destined to fall in love.

We were destined to be loved.

But hearing that she had fallen for me, hit home because—

“I’m not disappointed,” EunNeul broke my train of thought with her reply, “but I do feel bad…for you. You’re broken on the inside, Jong In shi. Physically, you’re there, but mentally you’re not…Like a puppet.”

Having barely spoken to her about how I felt or what I was going through, she hit the bulls eye with one heavy blow. I felt exposed under her stares and wanted to cower in a corner and hide from the truth.

I wasn’t okay.

I was dying, mentally. The mental game inflicted on me had taken its toll and I was slowly crumbling along with the rest of the group.

The alcohol, the drugs the excessiveness of my luxurious life…All of it, nothing but a cry for help.

And EunNeul finally answered that call.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” I whispered as I lowered my head.

“Who’s forcing you to?”

I gasped out loud as tears spilled out of my eyes and as I looked around the room, I noticed the very reason for why the shackles were still tight around my wrists. I got up from my spot on the couch, EunNeul’s body moving with me as I gently pushed her away. I grasped the album on her bookshelf and through to her. She caught it between her hands and stared down at it as I ran my hands through my hair, “That’s why…You’re why. It’s not like I can abandon the fans. They’re the reason I’ve kept on this for so long.”

Fans were the life line that kept me from sinking, sinking into the depths of a dark abyss of depression. They were the reason I still lived on with this life.

I had no more dream. I wasn’t driven by my own passion anymore. The cheers, the screams, the heartfelt letters…were my only reason to keep going. To keep going with something I started…Something I wasn’t yet ready to finish.

“It’s your life, they can live with one less idol,” EunNeul put down the album and stared at me as I returned to the couch, “but JongMin can’t live with one less family member, Exo can’t live as OT11…”

I laughed as she smiled at me and pointed behind her at a poster I hadn’t noticed before. It was a poster of all twelve members of EXO standing proud together on our first stage together, “I can’t live without any of you,” EunNeul poked her finger into my chest and sighed, “especially you.

I noticed the expression on her face had turned sad as she whispered the last part. I wanted to reach out and her cheek but refrained from doing so, “You’re definitely drunk.”