I peeked through the peep hole of my cheap door and unsecured the four locks that kept it in place. Junsu stepped inside and, after looking at my face, he wrapped me in his arms and led me to the couch. I sat down on the cushions, part of my consciousness still in the dream, leaving me to constantly touch my stomach and await for the feeling of warm blood.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asked me after a moment of quiet. I just shook my head.

We lapsed into silence again. My body was leaning against his, fingers running through my hair. As my mind began to get a grasp on reality again, I said, “you didn't have to come.” I couldn't meet his eyes. “I would have been fine.”

“We both know that's not true,” he told me. “Do you need more med—”

“No,” I interjected quickly. “No meds. They didn't help last time, they won't now.”

“Maybe different ones...”

“No, Junsu.”

“Okay,” he said gently. “Does this have to do with that one case?”

“Please, don't talk about it.”

“I'm sorry. Do you need me to do anything?”

I shook my head and laid it on his shoulder. “I just...I need some sort of sanity tonight.”



“Jin Ae, time to wake up...”

Junsu's sing-songy voice lifted me from sleep. My arms stretched out above the covers and I pried my eyes open. “What?” I answered groggily.

He was smiling at me, a tray with a steaming serving of egg toast and rise, and a glass of orange juice. “Good morning, princess.”

I studied the tray for several moments before looking up at his face. “Did you just bring me breakfast in bed?”

“I believe I did,” he said, taking a seat on the edge of my bed and handing me the tray.

“Junsu, you're too nice for your own good,” I grumbled, picking up the egg toast to stuff it in my mouth. I glanced over at the clock; 5:10, the exact time I got up every morning. “Thank you,” I said with a full mouth. “This is good. Did you eat?”

He nodded and fell back on the bed. “How'd you sleep?”

“Okay.”

We said nothing as I finished my meal and downed my orange juice. “Thanks, Junsu,” I said and began to get out of bed.

His hand wrapped around my wrist and held me mid-action. I looked back at him questionably. “Sit,” he said and I complied. “Jin Ae,” he said, sitting up beside me, “you know if you ever need anything you can come to me, right?”

“Of course,” I said, studying his face. It was lacking a smile and an intensity stirred in his eyes.

“I just want you to know that,” he said, eyes traveling to mine. “I want you to trust me.”

“I do...”

“Sometimes I wonder,” he went on. “But I want to make sure everything is okay with you, that you're safe.”

“Junsu, I'm a detective who puts away criminals. My job isn't exactly under 'safe'...”

“I know.” He closed his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head and he seemed to be struggling with something. His eyes opened and he looked at me, that intensity stronger than before. “I care about you, Jin Ae. A lot.” And that's when I noticed the gap between our faces was much less. I leaned away slightly, confusion evident on my face.

And it dawned on me. He was confessing to me. He was confessing...that...stuff.

.

, , , .

I shot to my feet, pushing the hair back from my face. “I—I need to get ready for work. Leave whenever.” And I ran into the bathroom like a coward.

Pressing my forehead against the door and taking slow breathes, my face scrunched up and I banged my head hard against the door. Handling criminals at gun point was so easy compared to this. Guilt filled my chest. Had I been leading him on without knowing? Or had he made this decision himself? God, this was just so stupid. That was the only word for it because I was so furious with myself and the whole situation I couldn't think straight.

I stripped off my clothes and shuffled into the shower, staying under the hot current way longer than needed. Screw being late for work; I had something more important to deal with. Losing Junsu's friendship was painful to even consider, but I couldn't help that I didn't feel the same way. Why did he have to go and things up? I needed him and there he was proclaiming his feelings.

I hated him so much in that moment.

Wrapping a towel around myself, I opened the door and peered out. “Junsu?” There was no answer and I stepped into the hall, peeking around the corner into the kitchen and living room. But he was no where to be seen. “Junsu?”

Another call with no answer. An emptiness added to the guilt made my chest heavier. Usually, he wouldn't leave without saying goodbye; that was the way he was. After I pulled on slacks and a emerald v-neck sweater, not even a scowl was painted on my face in the mirror. Instead, my eyes looked watery and desperate. Weak.

On the way to the office, I peered at my phone. A craving of years past, to confide in the one person who had never judged me yet I'd pulled away from like everyone else. Like I always did. I scrolled through my contacts, stopping at “Home”. I just wanted to talk to my dad, bring something familiar back into life that was changing far too fast. Instead, I opened the glove box and threw the phone into it and ran a hand down my face.

When I stepped into the office, Changmin's eyes were glued to something on his desk. I braced my arms against my own desk and took in a shaky breathe, “Changmin...”

He looked up from the papers and immediately his eyebrows drew together in concern. “What's wrong?”

I shook my head, looked down, bit at my lip. “I can't keep doing this, Changmin. I just can't...”

“Okay,” he said, getting to his feet quickly. He lifted my chin with his hand and looked at me with the most concern I'd ever seen. “Talk to me, Jin. What's wrong?”

“I can't...” was all I said, my whole body beginning to tremble. “Changmin, I can't do this anymore.”

He saw the madness building in my eyes. The cracking of my sanity. He wrapped an arm around my waist, leading me away from the office and into the elevator. I leaned against the wall as the lift descended. Suddenly, he pressed the emergency stop button and turned to me.

“Jin Ae...”

“My life...” I whimpered. “I've screwed up my life...so bad...” I buried my face in my fists. “I dishonored my family, ruined things with my best friend, put everything under a job that's killing me. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living this way! What I've done...I hate my life! I've pushed everyone away that's ever cared! What have I done? I hate myself!" My voice rose to a wail and I slid down the wall.

Wrapping my arms around my head, I pressed my face into my legs and broke down. I hadn't cried in so long or so hard before in my life. My body, clear to the bone, shook with guilt and helplessness.

Changmin's hands wrapped around my wrists and pulled my arms from behind my head. “Jin, look at me.” When I refused, his voice began harsher, “Jin Ae, look at me.” My head rose, but my eyes remained plastered to my knees. “Look at me, dammit!” Slowly, I obeyed. Changmin's jaw was set, eyes burning. “You are strong and you are a good person. You've made mistakes, but that's never held you back before. So get up. You've got a job to do.” He pulled me to my feet. “You okay?”

I wiped my eyes, probably smearing my makeup beyond repair, and nodded. Changmin pressed the button for the elevator to return to our floor and looked up at the ceiling. Without thinking, I threw my arms around his neck.

“Thank you,” I mumbled into his shirt. “You have no idea how much I needed that.”

To my surprise, an arm hugged me around the waist. “I think I do,” he said quietly.