It was peculiar weather for that time of year.

A thought, defending me against the heartache that was steadily growing in my chest. Rain seemed to pound me into the sopping ground, crystallizing as it froze on the stone slab in front of me.

I felt heavy, like every regretted moment was weighing on my shoulders, sinking me further into the mud. The freshly turned dirt was turning, sinking me farther into its depths and covering my boots. At that moment, my eyes finally read over the text carved into the stone and that weight increased by tenfold.

Shim Changmin

A hand I couldn't feel dropped the flowers at the grave, fresh tears falling with them. Sharp pain stabbed into my chest and I collapsed to my knees in front of the headstone, unable to hold the pressure on my being any longer.

“I'm sorry, Changmin,” I said thickly, running fingers over the stone. “Please, forgive me...”

A presence appeared beside me and I only had time to look up at the face and utter a strangled scream before the gun was pressed to my head.

“You'll be able to ask for forgiveness personally,” UKnow smiled. “Say hello to your partner for me, Detective.”

I started awake and sat up, the blanket around my body falling to the floor. My eyes traveled around the room dazed. Junsu was still sleeping on the other side of the dim room. And Changmin was still comatose, tubes and wires clinging to his body with beeping mechanisms that signaled that my nightmare was still false.

For now.

I sat back in the chair that my body had crashed on and let out an unsteady breathe, continuing to watch Changmin.

It had been close, but the doctors were optimistic about him pulling through. They'd had to revive him as soon as paramedics arrived at the scene and again on the table. However, as I'd always said, Changmin put a donkey to shame. The doctors called it luck, but I knew Changmin wasn't going to let me off the hook so easily. He still needed to torment me.

A smile crossed my lips as I pulled the blanket up to my chin. There was still the moment of waiting until he woke up; he'd lost so much blood and the cardiac arrest had taken its tole. Which made them consider the condition of brain trauma to consider.

The smile disappeared and uneasiness crept through the blanket to my bones. Please, come back, Changmin, I begged, I can't do this on my own.

Junsu stirred and stretched from under his blanket. He looked over at my drowsily. “Morning,” he grunted and fell slack in his seat. “These are not very comfortable chairs.”

“Sorry,” I said, keeping my eyes on Changmin. “Thank you for staying.”

“I wasn't going to leave you alone,” he said. I replied with nothing and stayed huddled on my chair, tucking my legs underneath me. I'd refused to leave after Changmin had been removed from the O.R., some paranoid entity inside me clinging to the thought that UKnow would come to finish his job. “He's going to be okay.”

“How do you know?” I asked quietly. “The doctors said he could relapse, go into shock again, have brain trauma...”

“Its called being positive,” Junsu replied, sitting forward as a knock came at the door.

We looked to it as it slowly opened. Chief stepped inside. He nodded in greeting, “Detective Kim. How's he holding up?”

“Good for now,” I answered.

“Well, keep the faith,” he said, looking from Changmin's body to me. “Why don't you go home? I'll keep an eye on him.”

“I'm fine...”

“I'll take her home,” said Junsu, getting up from his chair, and Chief seemed pleased.

“Alright, but first...Detective Kim, I need to speak with you about some things.”

Junsu took the hint and left the room. I stood. “Yes, sir.”

“I know that you take your job above everything else, but I think its best that you take a break.”

“Sir, I—”

“—would be more than happy to,” he finished for me, making me bit the inside of my cheek. “Its time you had an official vacation. A week long. I'd give you longer, but I know you can't stay away for that long. Put it to good use.”

“Yes, sir,” I said and bowed. “Anything else?”

“Get some sleep. I'll let you know if anything changes.”

--

Junsu had offered to take me home, but once there he seemed to want nothing to do with me. It upset me that Junsu was keeping his distance. He was still there physically, but he said very little to me, like he was there just as a favor. He didn't try to make me smile like he would have in a situation like that, didn't even smile himself. He kept his eyes downcast or anywhere else, but at me. The apartment felt cold and empty even though he was there.

Did I really screw up things between us? Should I have done something differently? What do I do now?

I needed Junsu and he was treating me like we hadn't even been through what we had. He needed to be sane for both of us because emotional stability was almost non-existent for me. But he seemed angry at me...

A crash sounded and I looked down at the shattered plate on the floor; I'd dropped it without even realizing what the I was doing. I pushed my hair back from my face and shut my eyes. I didn't need this right now; I couldn't lose my cool.

“I'll get it,” said Junsu, exiting the kitchen while I stood there.

A numbness was traveling from my fingertips, up my appendages. I couldn't shake it. The thought of ruining Junsu and I's relationship was cutting away at the final threads. Junsu came back and began to clean up the mess, while I could only stand, seeming to stiffen into a statue. He never once looked at me, went about his business as if I wasn't even there.

This couldn't be happening to me.

I was losing my best friend. Losing him.

Junsu rose from picking up the pieces in the dust pan. I couldn't take it. Without thinking, I grabbed the back of his neck and pressed my lips to his. His body stiffened, but I refused to let him go, refused to lose him. My hand stayed locked to the back of his head.

To my immense relief and despair, his hands threaded into my hair and pulled me closer, dust pan left forgotten on the floor. His lips against mine, molding to my mouth perfectly. It was like a new breath had been shoved into my body, leaving my nerves to spring to life, warmth passing back through the numbed limbs. I ran my hands underneath his shirt, warm skin against my palms and I tried to lift the article off.

Junsu broke away, making me quickly try to reattach us. “Jin...” he said, voice quivering and breathless. “No.”

“Junsu.” I tried to kiss him again, but he leaned away and my eyes filled with hurt.

“Jin,” he said, putting his hands on my shoulders. “You're hurt, you're guilty. You're not thinking straight. Just...just no.”

“What do you want me to do?” I asked, unable to get my voice above a whisper.

He looked at me, confused. “What do you mean?”

“To make you stay...” Tears began to trickle from eyes. “Junsu, I don't want to lose you!”

“Jin Ae, I...” He fell silent, watching me as I stood there crying quietly, a downgrade of what I once was. His arms s around me and he pulled me to him. I leaned my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around his neck. “You're not going to lose me,” he said quietly. “I'm always going to be here.”

“Do you love me?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“Not like a sister.”

“That doesn't matter.”

My hands pushed against his chest, relinquishing me from his hold. “I don't want to hurt you, Junsu,” I said.

He studied me before taking my hand in his. “I was stupid. I shouldn't have said those things that I did—”

“But they were true.” He looked away from me, tongue at his bottom lip.

“Maybe,” he finally answered.

“Junsu—”

“I love you, alright?” he shouted. I winced at the raise in his voice. “I've loved you from the first the day I met you. But I knew you weren't ever going to see it, I knew there was no way it'd ever work out because you needed someone different than me. You had your priorities and I tried to make mine, but...” His face broke and head dropped. “I shouldn't have ever told you anything.”

He left the kitchen, headed for the door. “Junsu!” I hurried after him and reached for his arm. He spun around to face me and I took the moment to connect our lips. His kissed me back again like nothing between us had happened, hands caressing my back with the gentlest touch. I realized that he was serious, true to what he was saying as he kissed me back with a force than left me dizzy. Passion that left me breathless.

I pulled away, lips still inches apart. He acted like he wanted to kiss me again, but his eyes slowly opened and the look in them made my chest burn. “Why do you do this to me?” he asked. “You think its fun?”

I shook my head and bit my lip, running my hands down his face. “I don't want you to leave.”

“I promised I wouldn't, but sometimes...you make it really difficult...”

My hands dropped from his face and we stood there like grieving statues, together, in the living room. Both knew that it wasn't going to happen. My heart was too small, too selfish to truly give myself to him. Yet, he could give everything to me without a second thought. The cruelty of it all sickened me.

“Why don't you go to bed?” he said at last.

“Will you still be here?” Still asking for promises when I could give none in return.

“Of course.”

I laid in bed for hours, sleep deprived me, probably for the awful things I had just done. There were no feelings for Junsu, there never were, never would be. The only reason for kissing him was a selfish one. I didn't know what else to do in that moment. I wanted to feel something. Anything. The grasp on the steady life I'd accomplished was loosening by the day. I just needed something solid in that moment when it felt my whole world was collapsing around me. And Junsu just made such selfish actions easy.

I slammed my head into my pillow and hugged the other one, feeling tears coming to my eyes. God, I hadn't cried for years and now I was doing it almost every single day. I was the epitome of disaster and helplessness. Using ones friends and toying with their affections wasn't going to fix anything. Definitely not an emotional downfall.

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