Acceptance

“NO!!!!!!” Dara screamed again as she felt everything around her begin to spin. It began slowly at first and went faster and faster and faster as both her parents disappeared and a hazy mist enveloped the space that surrounded her.

She heard snippets of conversations, heard laughter, cries of sadness, there were triumphant jubilations, sighs of fear – they pounded into her head and as she was about to screech for all of it to stop, a stillness settled in.

She now found herself in the hospital – no… this was the clinic. It was the same but somehow it was different.

She was in the emergency room. 

“All clear?” she heard someone asked and saw that she had now been transported in the middle of an operation.

“Clear” a very familiar voice answered.She heard the wizz of electricity and saw them trying to revive someone – bloodied, struggling… it was no other than her Grandfather.

“Oh my God” she exclaimed and knew without a doubt that she was now in the very night when her Grandfather met a road accident. He had been immediately rushed to the hospital and she, Chaerin, and her Aunt had scrambled to immediately reach him.

When they arrived, he had been declared dead.

This could be those few precious moments before he finally passed away.

“We have a pulse” somebody shouted excitedly “We have a pulse!”

There was gentle coughing and everyone in the room paused for a second to confirm if it came from the old man.

“Principal Park” one of the nurses beseeched and Dara finally recognized her as her beloved unnie, Mai.

She had been a Nurse in the clinic too before becoming a teacher.

“Mai…” her Grandfather’s weak voice echoed throughout the whole room. Dara was sure that almost everyone there knew who he was.

He was checked for lucidity and consciousness.

It was a normal procedure most especially with patients who have to undergo intensive operation. As the whole room prepared and instructions were given back and forth, Mai took his hand and tried to get his history.

Without family present, they had to try to check with the patient as long as his conscious mind was working about potential allergies he has to any medicine. A patient’s adverse reaction to a drug can easily cause death in these procedures.

“You’re badly injured Sir. We have to operate on you immediately but can you help us? We have to know if you’re allergic to any form of drug” Mai asked now – as calmly as she could for Dara could see that her eyes wanted to burst into tears.

“I’m not allergic to anything Mai” her Grandfather answered, a little strength in his voice.

“Your blood type Sir?”

“I’m an O” he grasped for air “Before you sedate me…”

“Mr. Park –“ Mai dissuaded but saw that the old man really wanted to speak.

Her Grandfather looked directly into Mai’s eyes and Dara felt the hand inside her heart squeeze tighter. He was struggling but he was determined – no one can ever mistake the look he gave Mai. “Whatever happens to me, tell my Grandchildren that I love them and that I will always be beside them… they will never ever be alone.”

Mai nodded. “Reserve your strength Mr. Park.”

The anesthesiologist came in and everybody dashed to begin operations.

“… most especially Dara… tell her, she will never be alone…”

“Hush now Sir” Mai told him as they began the stabilization process.

“And be a teacher Mai… I know you want to be… My school will accept you…”

They sedated him to unconsciousness and before closing his eyes, as though he knew that she was there. Her Grandfather looked directly at her.

Unlike the time she had been returned to her past with her parents where she screamed and screamed and screamed… the most she was able to do now was watch as she put a hand on to stop herself from doing so.

Her grandfather’s last moments were a paradox.

Everyone was rushing about but just like how he was in real life, he wasn’t.

And as he continued to look into her now before the medicine could take effect, Dara felt thankful that at least she was able to really see him – at least he was able to see her.

“You will never be alone” he whispered then and despite wanting to say more, his eyes began to lose focus and Dara reached out to him.

She didn’t know how it was possible nor did she question it but she held onto his hand and kissed it. 

“I will always have you Grandpa” she whispered back to him and with the certainty of a child, she knew then that he had breathed his last.

The whole room erupted with renewed vigor to revive him as Dara swallowed back to prevent herself from crying because her Grandfather had the most peaceful smile in the world.

She remembered now how it had struck her and Chaerin and maybe everyone else during the funeral how blessed he was to have embraced death with a smile despite the tragedy. There were too many explanations then. Too many questions too.

But now Dara understood.

He had made sure that both she and Chaerin would never feel alone. How could he not be happy?

A sigh came from behind her as a haze began to envelope her.

She knew it was time now to move on to another part of her past.

And suddenly too… she realized that she had not even asked.

“Am I dead?”

The woman laughed “Good gracious no.”

She was surprised. She faced the woman again to see if she was joking. “I’m not?!?!”

“Do you want to be?”

“BUT! What am I doing here? Why have you been bringing me back to moments in my past?”

There was a laugh. “Very typical. You think that just because you are getting flashbacks from your past is you are dead.”

“Isn’t that how it is?” Dara questioned. She was getting more and more confused.

“Sometimes… one is given an opportunity to look into their past and answer questions they have always asked because they are being given a chance to change their future.”

“What do you mean?!?”

The woman suddenly hugged her and Dara felt the whole room start to shift again. She was being taken again to another place.

“You love a man do you not?”

A small squeeze took hold of her heart and Dara finally remembered him. How could she have even forgotten him?

“Are you saying –“

The woman cut her off. “You know… humans are sometimes, forgive me for saying this, stupid. They come up with so many excuses not to be happy when it’s all they ever want to be.”

“I don’t understand.” 

A beach suddenly formed right before Dara’s eyes but she couldn’t properly concentrate on it. She wanted to fully comprehend what the woman meant.

“When Jiyong let you go, you did not do your very best to fight for him because deep down you have fears.”

“I did too!” she defended.

“Stubborn as always I see” the woman replied and let her go from the embrace as they landed on the shoreline of a beach.

“I pleaded with him! I did everything I could!”

“Ever since your parents died in the fire, you felt that the most important people to you in the world always left you behind. You got scared of really opening up to anyone because you became afraid that either they would leave or be taken away.”

She couldn’t find it in her to deny it.

“When you became close to your Grandfather and he died too, you felt so alone and became very afraid of developing any more close relations so you left and tried to maintain your distance from everyone you cared about – even your closest friends. You went to another country, did volunteer work, lived in the city, and thought that what you were doing was for independence when really… you were just afraid of losing anyone ever again.”

Dara’s knees gave way and she sat weakly on the sand… listening to truths about herself she’d never admitted, truths about herself she thought she had long ago buried.

“When you came back to the island, you thought you could close yourself off from everyone but they all found a way to worm in to your heart. The tears you shed during Chaerin’s wedding aren’t only because of happiness but because watching her, you started to feel alone…”

“… It is all you have ever felt since that unfortunate incident years ago Dara. So when Jiyong came along, you let him open up to you but you never allowed yourself to open up to him. And when he gave you every possible excuse to leave him, you took it up so easily because you thought you could never have him and even if you do, he’d eventually leave you…”

“He will leave me eventually won’t he? He’ll hurt me and leave me… how could he ever not?” she retorted. Jiyong wasn’t meant to be with her. No one was.

“How could you be sure of that?” the woman answered.

“Jay will make me happy.”

“Again… how could you be sure of that?”

She let out a frustrated sigh. “Because… because Jay loves me and I love him!”

The woman smiled sadly. “Because of your fears… you have made yourself believe in lies. You have not allowed yourself to go after what you want because you have made yourself believe that you do not deserve it.”

“How could you be sure of that?” she taunted back.

Sarcastic laughter.

“I am sure Dara because I know that deep inside you, you fear even to hope that maybe Jiyong is lying – that maybe it’s all a show. And to lose hope is the worst in the world, my dear. I feel sad because you have lost even that.” 

She was speechless.

“You will eventually loose everyone and everything but fear of that isn’t how you must live your life.”

“Then what is it that you want me to do?”

The woman turned to her in all earnest “What is it that you want to do Dara?”

“I don’t know…”

“Don’t be afraid to want anymore Dara. Don’t be afraid to go after what you want.”

“But what if I loose him?”

“You can only loose what you have.”

“But –“

“No more buts” the woman told her as the whole place started to spin again “Don’t be afraid to lose anything… be afraid that in the end, there might not even be anything to lose.”

“Where are we going?”

The woman shook her head and blew her a kiss. She had remained firmly planted on the ground. “I’m staying right here Dara… you’re going to where you really want to go.”