Forgiveness

“DARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

She heard his scream – the voice she’d often dreamed of was screaming for her name.

“DARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

She opened her eyes and felt herself choke up. There was smoke everywhere.

“DARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He was calling out to her. She needed to scream back. She had to scream back.

“Appa!!!!!!!!!!!!” she shouted and inhaled all the smoke. This was her room. She was in her room. Oh my God! What was going on?!?!

“Baby?” her Father shouted “Are you inside your room? Stay there. Appa is on her way.”

She looked around and tried to see through the smoke. She reached for her blanket. Maybe the blanket could keep all the smoke away while she waited for Appa.

Chubby fingers extended towards the blanket and in a sudden, Dara realized that she was in a dream.

This was the fire that had taken her mother and father from her.

“DARA!!!!” her father exclaimed as soon as the door blasted open.

“Appa!” the little girl she once was shouted and ran towards her father. She always saw this. She always saw this up until the time they would both make it out alive and then he’d come back inside the house and leave her – they would both leave her.

Her father immediately put a wet blanket around her. He was wet from the head down too. “Hold on tightly to me ok? We both have to get out safe.”

“But Omma?!?” she sputtered in spite of all the smoke. This dream was all too different – it was all too real. She had to let her father know. He had to save her mother too.

“Omma is right outside waiting for us” he assured her – a lie. She had later learned that her mother was looking for her too inside the house that’s why they were both trapped inside.

She hoped that she had known it was a lie then. She willed her younger self to speak – to not believe in what her father said and instruct him to go back to their living room via the back door stair case where a log had collapsed on her mother as she was on her way to also try to rescue Dara.

“Tell him” she screamed from the inside “Omma’s still trapped in the living room!!! Tell him!!!!”

“She won’t be able to hear you” a voice from behind her said.

Then… like being siphoned by a vacuum, she felt herself float up and in a second, she was out of her younger body.

“NO!!!!!!” she continued to scream, though. “Appa go back!!!!!! We have to go back!!!!”

She was watching the whole thing unfold from up above.

“You cannot change the past dear” the voice said once again and this time, the woman it belonged to was floating up in the air alongside her “You can never change the past.”

“But this is a dream, isn’t it?” she retorted, wanting it to be a dream… please let it be a dream “I can definitely CHANGE my dream.” 

“No dear. I’m sorry but this isn’t a dream.”

“WHAT?!?!?!?!?” she exploded.

“This is your past.”

“I know that! That’s why I’m sure this is a dream! It’s impossible for me to go back here!”

There was a sigh. “It isn’t a dream Dara. This is really your past. You HAVE come back here.”

She was confused. “But how could have I come back here?!?”

The woman became pensive “I really cannot say but I’m sure that you had to come back here because you had a lot of questions.”

“Questions?”

“They’re out!!!”  someone exclaimed from below, taking both of their attention. Dara saw her father hug her tightly as they were both doused in water.

“My wife?” he asked now as paramedics hustled about the two of them “Where is my wife?”

No one was paying him any attention.

“TELL ME!!!” he finally shouted “Where is my wife?!?!”

One of the firefighters answered gravely “She went inside Sir.”

“You allowed her to go in?!?!” Dara remembered now how her father’s rage has immediately scared her. In all her life, she had never seen him like this.

“It was an unfortu –“ the firefighter wasn’t able to continue for with Herculean strength, her father almost tossed everyone to the floor and in a matter of seconds, he had re-entered the house.

Her younger self was screaming now – screaming like crazy – screaming for a father and a mother she was never to see again.

“Soo Jin!!!!” she heard her Father yell as it hit her that for the very first time, she was going to see what had happened after her father rushed back to their house.

The sound of wood, metal, plastic, and electricity snapping filled the air and the angry roar of the fire was drowning out her father’s voice.

“Soo Jin!!!!!” he cried once again as he now stepped towards the kitchen.

“I don’t want to see this” she whispered weakly “Please… I don’t want to see this.”

“Soo Jin!!!!!!!!!” his father screamed again and as a log dislodged from his right, he got a view of her mother, struggling on the floor of the living room.

“Shin Il!” her mother called out as soon as they met one another’s eyes “Where is Dara? Where is Dara?”

Her father rushed towards her and looked at the log she was buried under. It was too big and it was stuck in place. They’d need a hoe to move it.

“Don’t move” her father announced though “I’ll lift this from you and we’ll both go out to our Dara, ok?”

Her mother’s tears began to fall “Shin Il!” she beseeched him “Shin Il!”

“No! Don’t say anything ok?” his father had regained his composure despite the situation and was speaking in the way Dara remembered her best – that soft tone that could coerce you into doing whatever he asked of you. He looked at the log and decided to lift it from the end where her mother was stuck.

“Shin Il no!” she fought him back “Shin Il get out of here now! This is impossible! Please get out now! You have to leave me!”

“No!” her father replied evenly. He continued to say it as her mother continued to beseech him. “No Soo Jin! I’m not leaving you! We’re getting out of this together!”

“Shin Il please” her mother begged and both she and her father paused and looked closely at her mother. There was resignation there – resignation and pleading. She was begging him. Dara had never in her life seen her mother beg. “You have to go and leave me Shin Il because Dara needs you.”

“She needs the both of us” her father countered.

“She will lose us both if you stay here” her mother replied softly “Please Shin Il. Please go back to her now.”

“I can’t leave you.”

“You have to” she prodded “I will never forgive you if you leave our Dara alone!”

“Soo Jin!”

Her mother pushed him with all the strength she had left until he stumbled and another log collapsed further separating them both.

“SOO JIN!!!!!!” her father’s screams mingled with his tears shook Dara to the core.

“I love you Shin Il and I love our Dara too” her mother whispered now “Go to her! PLEASE! Go to her now!” 

Another log collapsed and left with no choice, her father had to run now or he’d be buried under the same logs too. “I love you ok? I love you and I will love no one else!” her father promised as with the bravest steps he had ever taken, he finally turned to go back to the front door and Dara felt his determination to reach her.

He wiped at his tears and swiftly moved towards the door.

“Appa!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screamed as she saw it before he did, a log larger than his father fell from the foundations of their roof and she instantly knew he was going to be hit.

“Dara!!!!!!!!!!!” he had screamed too as he watched the log fall down, knowing he wasn’t going to beat gravity.

“Appa!!!!!!!” she screamed again and realized that tears were spilling down her face – salty, wet, and real. She wiped at them but she couldn’t stop them as everything slowly faded into white.

“Appa….” she whispered weakly “Omma…”

She never knew how it had been inside their house those final minutes. All she could remember was seeing their home collapse like a house of cards and feeling herself go numb with the realization that both her parents were still inside.

She hoped to see them suddenly appear and walk away from that and hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay but it never happened… for years she’d had this nightmare and it never ever happened.

“Why did you show this to me?” she asked the woman, who she knew was watching this with her “WHY DID YOU SHOW THIS TO ME?!?!?!”

“Because you have to forgive them” the woman answered “And because you have to forgive yourself.”

“WHAT?!?”

“You were angry at them for leaving you behind… for not making it back.”

“I wasn’t angry at them!”

The woman hugged her from behind when all she wanted was to actually just push her away “You were angry at them Dara and you were also angry at yourself for feeling that way. For years, you’ve struggled with your anger with them and your guilt for that anger. This was shown to you so you could understand everything that happened that night…”

Dara felt her knees weaken at the truth of those words.

“… You had to see this for you to know that even in their final hour, their love for you encompassed everything else…”

“I should have known it” she murmured helplessly “I should have known it…”

“You were young then Dara… And you didn’t know all of this… You were left on your own. It took your Grandfather two days to make it to your side and you and Chaerin took a while to be friends. It was a long process before you were able to really find someone you can love and trust again. How could you not be angry?”

“But they really loved me” Dara muttered, mostly to herself.

“They did” the woman confirmed “ They still do Dara… they still do.”

“I’m so sorry Appa…” she cried out “I’m so sorry Omma…”

The fire was a most unfortunate incident. For the longest time Dara knew that and had felt conflicted about it. She had questioned how two adults could not have come out of a fire to be wither only daughter? She had questioned how her father could have just left her like that?... how her mother could have not returned to her? How? How? How?

“I forgive you…” she whispered in the middle of her hiccups “I forgive you… I forgive you… I love you and I’m sorry…”

She didn’t know what had alerted her to it but suddenly she was very sure. The arms hugging her had changed and on both her sides she felt them without even seeing them first.

“We’re sorry too Dara” it was her omma’s voice.

“We forgive you… We love you…” it was her appa now speaking.

“We really really love you” her omma reiterated and with as much width as her arms could reach them both, Dara hugged them.

“I have so missed you.” 

“We have to…” her appa replied and with a sigh, hugged her even tighter “But we have to let you go for now. We’ll be together someday soon my star.”