“I can’t get rid of this spot,” grumbled Taemin as he rubbed his hands.

Key peeked over his shoulder to look at Taemin rubbing at marks at his hands. “Just wash them in the sink and it’ll be gone.”

Taemin the tap and started washing his hands, but frowned with the dots grew larger.

“Gross,” commented Key as Taemin scrubbed his hands.

“Get out, get out, get OUT you stupid spot!” he muttered under his breath.

To his horror they started changing colour, and he started breathing quicker as he washed them.

Ink drops in the sink. Like little droplets of blood blooming in the water in the sink.

He gasped when he realised his hands were dripping, dripping, with blood.

Why did it look so real it was not like he had seen so much real blood before oh wait yes he had when his when his when his

White hands shot of the sink as Taemin jumped and screamed as a woman slowly came out of the water, her short hair covering her face like a bad horror movie. But something was flashing from behind the hair. Something white. 

Taemin had seen this before, where where where?

He felt his heart still as he remembered the whites of his mother's eyes glinting in the darkness, oh my god this was his 

"Umma!"

His thoughts exploded as he opened his eyes to pitch darkness and his own loud panting.

“Taemin-ah..” whispered the drowsy voice of Key. “You okay?”

Taemin rolled over to Key and snuggled into him, unable to keep his ragged pants into transforming into whimpers.

“Did you have a bad dream?” asked Key and Taemin nodded, squeezing his eyes shut as Key gently pushed the sweaty hair out of his eyes.

“Wanna talk about it?” said Key, kissing his forehead, hugging Taemin and resting his cheek against Taemin’s head, trying to soothe him.

Taemin shook his head. “Wanna sleep,” he whispered, and he felt Key nod.

Yes he did want to go to sleep. But he couldn’t. Even as Key’s breathing evened out and deepened,  even though he was sleepy and was staying still and closing his eyes and his body wanted to just rest and drift off his mind was going crazy.

He had hit a dead end. He could never escape from the blood. He could never forget his last words to his family, the last time his family was all together where they were all broken. They were never coming back and nothing Taemin could do was making him feel better or going to make up for it.  It was never going to leave, always on his mind, haunting him. Time was ticking, but he wasn’t moving forward at all. He was stuck, stuck, stuck, just like that night underneath a car seat. His life was never going to get better than what he had before. He had been so, so, so happy before. Life was uncomplicated, worry free, bliss compared to this hell where his mummy and daddy and big brother had left him.

He felt like he needed to cry but he had cried way more in America in a few months then he did in Korea in his memory. He didn’t want to cry and try anymore. He just wanted it to end. He wasn’t a man. He was just a boy. He was lost and he would never go home. He was giving up on looking for that feeling again, that unburdened heart, that feeling of home home home.

He couldn’t sleep anymore. He was thirsty.

He slowly got up, gently lifting Key’s arm hoping he wouldn’t wake up.

He padded downstairs to the kitchen, trying not to make too much noise to wake anyone, trying not to trip in the dark as his eyes adjusted.

He grabbed a glass off the drying dish rack and filled it up with water.

After gulping it down, he still didn’t know what to do. He felt helpless. How can you solve feeling like this? It wasn’t a problem. There wasn’t a solution to feeling ty.  

He looked at the fruitbowl, and decided it was a good time for an orange.

Key wasn’t as light a sleeper as Taemin liked to think he was. Any flicker of light, any movement, any moment of uneasiness and Key was up in a flash. So of course he woke up when Taemin lifted his arm and shuffled out of the room. He heard him carefully step downstairs and the tap running.

Then silence.

Key figured that Taemin was probably feeling bad after having a bad dream and got up and opened the bedroom door to hear the click of the front door.

He gasped out loud when he heard the growl of an engine starting that sounded too close.

He ran downstairs, not caring how loud it was, to the soundtrack of a car pulling away.

A/N

Sorry for short chapter. If not interested in some depressed whining about my life please stop reading.

Guys I’m going to use this as a diary for a bit kk.

You can say that my fanfics definitely reflect my emotions.

 I am so stressed and depressed and worried at the moment. It always happens at the first few weeks of university, where I absolutely HATE my life.

 I wish I already was in a full time job so I don’t need to worry about getting one and I don’t need to think and I can go to the same place everyday and see the same people. I wish I could see all of my friends all the time. I wish I could just travel. I wish I could just sleep. I wish I was already in a relationship. I wish I didn’t need to go to university and do all these bull assignments that I don’t even know if I’m going to get good grades in but I have to get good grades or else I lose my scholarship and *hyperventilates*. How the do I critically evaluate something they only taught me for an hour in an essay in only 1500 words?? And I have to apply to go to America. Why the did I want to, now I can’t get out of it, not that I want to get out of it, but it’s ing stressing me out, I’m so scared things are going to go wrong. I just want to stay in a lump in my bed all day and I’ll be over the moon. I started writing the Lowdown around this time last year, but I couldn’t really articulate it back then, and I didn’t know what I was getting into. And this is why I like writing a sad Taemin.

I want everything in my life to go the way I imagined it. I want to change things that I cannot change. I hate the unexpected, like the future, because I don’t know whether it will make me happy or not. I am SO WORRIED that my life will not be the one I wanted.  So I do everything I can to make it hopefully have that outcome and worry if it won’t. And even though I didn’t emphasise it in this fic, this is also why Taemin says he’s a bit of a control freak.

And the stupid thing is I have nothing to be stressed over. NOTHING. I have so much to be thankful for, oh my god. And yet I’m crying over this stupid author’s note because it’s just reminding me about all the things I need to do and it’s too hard and why can’t it be just a bit easier??? My life is changing too fast for my liking. I want it to change, but only if I can see what it will change to. I love routine because of it’s predictability. I have too much stuff and I can’t drop any of it because each one is a ing necessity to get what I want. . My. Life.

If I could write an entire fanfic right now, it would be Taemin never getting out of bed and s trying to get him up every day but he never does and it ends with all the members just giving up and looking after him and it ends with Taemin going home and living in his parents house forever not needing to do a thing for his entire life and watches TV all day.

If you read all of this, thank you.  I needed a good cry. Dw this is just a vent. I’ll probably be okay tomorrow hopefully haha.

Leave me some much needed love :,,,,,,,,,( I love you all <3