I was taught to avoid hurt as much as possible. That man is basically hedonistic – man strives to lessen pain and maximize things that are good.

So while I left the others to continue their interrogation on Kris, I took a stroll and noticed that the interior of the hotel is actually pretty amazing. The floor is all carpeted. There is a wide screen at the receiving lobby to show the day’s events and in what function room the seminars are held. There’s also the hotel restaurant fronting a beautiful landscape of palm trees with white and mauve stones.

With everything being all busy and ramped up in my life, it’s nice to occasionally sit back and actually take the time to appreciate the littlest things life can offer. And with everything all busy and ramped up, you can’t help but learn how to appreciate life even more. Appreciate the extra hour of nap time; the pat at the back from mentors; the random honest critiques from our teachers; the unwavering encouragement from the fans.

And now, I find myself strolling inside the different floors of the hotel. Just finished the third floor and they have this quasi-mall that has these stalls that sell almost everything you may need if you’re a foreigner that happens to have lost everything except your wallet.

I didn’t want to go back to the hotel room just yet. I’m not needed there anyway. I guess I want time alone.

My feet led me to the ground floor. There’s a big digital clock behind the lady at the front desk that says we still have an hour until we leave for the airport. That means Vanessa has about an hour to talk with Kris and finally lay down everything before they part. Well, good luck with them. I don’t want to be part of the conversation at all. I could just enter this wonderful café and order myself some cof-

“Tao!”

I turned around. It was Yixing. He looks like he’s catching his breath. Did he just run from the 5 fifth floor?

“Tao, I’ve been trying to contact you. Where’s your phone?” He ran the few meters between us, stopping with a sigh.

I held the outside of my left pocket. Yes, my phone is still there where it should be. I vowed not to remove it from its designated haven of leather for the next hour or so. Calls and texts will have to wait for I was supposed to have my alone time until I was unexpectedly interrupted.

“What’s up with you?” Yixing gege tapped me on my shoulder. I leaned on one leg and shrugged.

“I wanted to have coffee, but since you’re here I guess my date with coffee will have to wait.” I gave him a sweet smile that only a maknae can give.

“Look, Vanessa’s coming in a few. Kris wanted us to rendezvous at the-“

“On second thought, coffee sounds really nice and delicious right about now.” I turned around and strode off.

“Wait, what? Tao!” Yixing gege held me at my shoulders; stopping me midstride. “Don’t you want to meet this Vanessa person? She seems like a really nice girl.”

I stood straight for a good five seconds, thinking of a proper retort to what I just heard. “Gege…” Should I tell Yixing of my bottled up emotions? Sorrow shared is sorrow halved anyway. But is Yixing gege someone worth sharing whatever this is that’s troubling me?

I turned around, “I want coffee,” and turned back to walk towards the hotel café.

But you’d know if Lady Luck isn’t on your side when the cashier tells you they’re out of the stock for coffee for the day because the delivery van didn’t arrive last night. I debated on staying inside the café and just sit on one of their couches, but just sitting there without anything to read is boring. So I went out.

Beside the café is a room with a glass window tinted enough that you can see yourself and use it as a mirror. My hair is all over the place. My eye bags are at their worst. Without makeup, they’re all so puffy. They obviously need coffee right now.

I rested my right hand on the surface of the glass, looking at my reflection in the eyes.

Why am I so afraid of losing you when you’re not even mine?

Funny how movie quotes can somehow sum up your emotion with just one sentence. Funny how things happen when you least expect them. Funny how, as one grows older, life sometimes argues with theories taught in school.

If I don’t feel something for Kris, then what is this I’m feeling? Why am I comparing myself to Vanessa when I know we are genders apart? Why do I even feel threatened by her presence in the first place? Whether I’m a distant half or a distant second, I can never run against her because I’m a guy and she’s a girl.

Should a person’s gender be the basis of who you should be attracted to?

Who am I to Kris anyway?

Right in the middle of my inner monologue, I saw a reflection on the mirror. It was Kris and a girl – Vanessa? Kris was holding her by the hand and pulling her towards… towards the spot I was standing!

I panicked and searched for a place to hide. But why hide, though? It’s just Kris….

A door! I found a door leading to the inside of the room with the tinted glass. Without hesitation, I turned the knob, thank the heavens for it being unlocked, and entered.

It was dark, somehow. The lights weren’t switched on. I tried to feel the walls for a light switch and then I saw Kris and the girl outside. They stopped exactly where I was standing a few minutes ago. They just stood there, not even looking for me. Well, maybe they weren’t searching for me in the first place. Maybe they just needed a spot to talk with no interruptions.

I slowly walked towards the glass. I can see them but they can’t see me. My eyes were adjusting to the dimness of the room. No need for the light switch now.

Kris held the girl’s face with his hands. At the same time, my chest suddenly felt ten pounds heavier.

I checked my phone, they have 30 minutes left before we depart, and I got three missed calls and seven text messages. I browsed through them and three were from Kris.

Tao, are you all right? Why did you just leave all of a sudden?

Tao, where are you? Vanessa’s here.

Tao? Please answer my call. I thought we’ll meet Vanessa together? She wants to see you, too. Where are you?

So this girl must be Vanessa… She’s beautiful. Long light brown hair with soft waves ending just below her shoulders and framing her face just right. She was looking up at Kris, what with Kris being so tall anyway.

They actually look good together…

I pocketed my phone and smiled. Don’t worry, gege. I’m here right beside you.

“Tao’s not answering his texts.” I heard Kris tell Vanessa.

This hotel is so cool. They even have built in microphones so you can hear people from the outside?

Oh, wait… I forgot to close the door. And for that moment, I was the king of sheepish grins. Good thing I didn’t actually, because today, I feel like eavesdropping. He checked his phone, obviously for the nth time that day.

I’m sorry for not replying, gege. But don’t expect me to because I don’t want to interrupt your important conversation.

“It’s all right, maybe he’s checking stuff out at the mini-mall at the upper floor,” her voice is the same as how I heard her during that morning talk show – sweet and feminine.

Kris sighed and checked his phone again, “I really wanted you guys to meet, you know. Tao is a cool guy. A bit childish sometimes but he’s a good friend.”

I am not childish. It’s called aegyo.

“Really, Kris. It’s fine,” she held Kris’ hand and squeezed it softly. “This won’t be the last time, right?” she looked at him as if hoping he would affirm her belief; that this tour won’t be our last that will stop by Canada; that somehow they could meet again and talk just like old times.

Kris forced a smile, “With every fiber of my being, I would love to perform here in Canada again… but, Nessa, I don’t want to keep your hopes up… for both our sakes.”

Silence passed for a few seconds. Both of them seemed like they were giving each other the chance to speak first. “I guess it was hard for you, too, huh?” I guess Vanessa understood what Kris meant.

Kris cradled Vanessa’s face in between his hands, “You know, I thought about you every single day. And each day makes me miss you more and more. And with each passing week, it would hurt more and more.”

Vanessa held one of his hands and intertwined their fingers, “How did you deal with it then? The pain, I mean.”

“It’s not that I tried forgetting about it, about you… but I got my friends beside me – them,” and all of a sudden, like there was a memory that filled Kris’ mind, he laughed. “Actually, Tao helped me a lot.”

I did?

“He did?” Vanessa and I think alike. “How?”

“Well, every time he asks me out to shop with him… I remember you.” Kris smiled

My eyes went wide. I did not expect that. He never told me about me reminding him of his ex! I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or…. Do I have the right to be insulted with what he just said? So, all those times we were together… Kris was imagining I was a different person? I want to know why, so I listened even further.

“Back in our trainee days, he would usually do aegyo on me so I would accompany him to go shopping or just buy food outside the building. You were so good with aegyo, too. I remember so well.” Kris smiled, and I don’t know why but it pained me to see him smiling with those eyes. Those eyes that are full of warmth and affection.

“And then while shopping, he would pull me towards something he finds interesting. At times he would just stare at it, sometimes he would talk about why he likes that merchandise. And every time he does that, I remember you. You and your habit of spur of the moment excitement when you see something you like; you and your eyes that light up when you seem so happy; you and your way of talking to yourself with a multitude of reasons why you shouldn’t buy but in the end you still do. Just… you.” Kris finished when Vanessa suddenly sobbed.

And now she’s crying. Great. Why not buy me a bag of popcorn while I watch this drama fest.

“I willed myself not to wait, you know.” Vanessa looked up at Kris with tear-filled eyes. “I kept telling myself that you won’t be coming back and that we are over. I remember I would try to recall all the bad things you did to me just so I would hate you, just so it would be easier for me to let go and move on.”

I could see that Kris didn’t like where this is heading. His forehead is scrunching up by the second.

“I started to hate Korea. I started hating people with big dreams. But the moment I realized I still wasn’t over you was when some guy at school asked me if he could court me. I didn’t say yes but he still went on. Then I noticed that he wasn’t good enough. He will never be good enough, because I always compared him to you and how perfect we were together.”

Vanessa was crying now, like really crying with shoulders shaking. And suddenly I feel bad for her. They weren’t able to talk about separating and about their relationship before Kris left, and I think the regrets and what ifs already took their toll on her.

“Do you remember how people would always say we’re meant for each other? How our friends would tell us that we’re the perfect match made in heaven?”

I saw a tear slide down on Kris’ cheek. “Vanessa, please…”

“We were… right?” uncontrolled sobs came from Vanessa. I couldn’t hate her anymore. Not like this. She looks broken, like she’s holding on a single hope of thread for something that she has no assurance of it happening.

Silence enveloped us once again. Dead air.

What am I doing anyway? Why am I watching ex lovers talking about their pent up emotions towards each other? Why must I fill my day with angst by witnessing this?

Vanessa laughed. A forced laugh if I may add. “Funny how we try to move on yet at the same time hold on.”

Kris shook his head, “Life is a myriad of jokes, Nes. That’s what I believe in, because it’s hard to expect on something that has no guarantee of it staying in your life.”

“Do you sometimes wish that we never met?” Vanessa wiped her tears. She was calming down now.

Kris went rigid. He didn’t think about that. Heck, I have never thought of making up an alternate universe of my life with different endings basing on my relationship with my friends.

“Do you?”

“I did.”

Kris sniffed for a moment, rolled his hair back with his hand. “Why?”

“’Cause I thought, maybe… just maybe… What if we never met in the first place? What if our paths didn’t meet? What if there never was an “us”? Then that would mean there’s no need for me to keep on waiting; no need for me to keep on wanting you to come back. There won’t be a reason for me to cry over the pain of heartbreak and broken promises. No more wishing of being in your arms again, feeling you beside me. No need for crying myself to sleep at night.”

Vanessa stopped to take a short breath. She wasn’t finished, and I didn’t think she is just yet. Let it all out.

“But then again, I’m glad that I met you. I’m glad that there are chapters in my book that are filled with memories of you – very important chapters. Why? Because whenever I felt down, you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who listened. It was you who I would stay up late at night just talking until I fall asleep with the phone still beside my ear. You were the one I told my deepest secrets to. You were the one who did things to make me happy. You knew me, and you loved me… and I missed you so much.”

That moment, Kris pulled her into a tight hug. Kris buried his head by the crook of her neck; stifled sobs can be seen through his shaking shoulders.

 “I miss us.” Vanessa wrapped her arms around his waist. Tears were trickling down her face. Kris didn’t try controlling his sobs anymore. He was sobbing, too, like how he was crying when we were alone in his room back in Korea.

“It hurts… so much.” Vanessa continued on, “Why does love have to hurt? Isn’t it supposed to be a good thing? A feeling of happiness and all those ?”

Kris sniffed the remaining sobs. He didn’t let go. They stayed in that position for a while – hugging each other; being in each other’s arms.

“Love is like a rose.” Kris spoke. “You get attracted to it because of its beauty and form. People always say it’s wonderful. Giving love and receiving love, it’s wonderful. But along with accepting the rose, you have to accept the thorns that come with it. It’s the thorns. They hurt. They make the rose imperfect by giving it complications.”

He held Vanessa by her shoulders and slowly pushed her away to see her face. Both of them had red puffy eyes now. “It hurts when it gets complicated…” He looked at her straight in the eyes, “I’m sorry for making our love complicated. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for hurting you... I’m sorry.”

This time, it was Vanessa who held his face with her hands. “Thank you for everything. I know I should move on. I know I should let you go. But I want you to know that I’m glad that somehow, a time in my life, you were my happiness.”

I shouldn’t have stayed. I should have just met them, left and didn’t give a rat’s about whatever would have transpired in their conversation. This is not mine to witness. This pain in my chest wouldn’t have surfaced if I didn’t meddle with other people’s business.

My cheeks are wet... Why is their water on my face just now?

Kris’ phone suddenly rang, reminding all three of us that we’re still at the hotel. “Hello, hyung?” It was our manager. “Yes, I’m… I’m here with Vanessa. Um, okay. Yes, I’ll be going up now.” So that means time is up then.

“Yes, hyung?” Kris continued with the phone conversation. “Tao? I don’t know. He isn’t answering his phone.”

. I pulled out my phone and turned it off. Best not be found eavesdropping over something as sensitive as this.

“Okay, hyung. Will be there in a few. Please take out my luggage with you. Thank you.” Kris hang up. He looked at Vanessa with puffy eyes from all the crying, “So… where to?”

“You, mister, are going back to Korea.” Vanessa held him by his shoulders, faking a smile on her face. It’s better than nothing. This must hurt for her – sending him back to Korea and away from her. But she doesn’t have a choice. No one’s got a choice. The pieces already fit the puzzle.

The pain might be there, but it, too, shall pass.

“Thank you.” Kris replied. “You are an amazing person, Vanessa. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You deserve someone better than me, someone who is brave enough to fight for you, and who is selfless enough to be with you.”

Vanessa laughed, “How can I find someone better when I already found the best?”

Kris held her hands again. He traced her fingers with his. Interlaced them and hugged her, one hand holding her hair. He gently rested his face on her mane and breathed in her scent. Before separating, he kissed her head.

Kris smiled, “See you next year? Hopefully.”

“See you on YouTube.” Vanessa smiled back.

A/N

I noticed I don't write an author's note, w/c is actually kinda weird coz I'm a pretty talkative and sociable person.

Well, anyways... Didn't you guys love it when Kris cried? 8'D

I'm sorry. I feel like a bad fangirl for actually liking to see our dhuizang cry in front of millions of people. But... someone commented before that the Kris in my story is fragile. I thought about it........ and I started doubting my Kris in my story. Then BOOM!

Wu Fan and other Exo-M members crying. Which means my Kris is canon. =D

I'm so mean. I'm sorry. *slaps face* But, seriously... the moment I saw him cry, I found him manlier than ever.

And here is him sniffing....

Anywho... This has been my longest chapter. It's like twice as long as how the others are. Didn't expect it to be this long since I experienced some writer's block in the beginning so I had to take a rest from the story and find bits and pieces of the conversations during long jeepney rides

I hope the angst isn't too much for your taste. Comments and constructive criticisms are <3. I would like to believe that I'm a serious writer, especially because I wanna take my writing, and my stories, seriously. I am going to take up Fiction next semester! =)

Thank you. :)