The ride back home was… uptight, to say the least. Our manager scolded Kris during the whole drive. I had my earphones on. I didn’t want to be involved in this conversation. Sitting beside Kris while he was being reprimanded is already making me tense as it is. The other members were quiet as a still lagoon. Not even Luhan & Lay dared to make a noise as discreet as a snicker.

“What were you thinking?!” I could hear our manager say out loud. He was sitting at the front seat, his upper body turned to us at the back so he could see Kris. He looks scary right now. I definitely do not want to be in Kris’ shoes at the moment. Kris was so still, or trying to be still. His head was bent down the whole scolding, with occasional I’m sorry’s and nodding of his head. I wanted to reach out to him. To somehow tell him that I feel sorry that he has to be yelled at in front of the members, even in front of the driver who didn’t even know what the heck happened.

And neither did we.

What Kris did back there was uncalled for. I thought I already know him as of now. I mean, we’ve been training together for years. He accompanied me to shopping lotsa times. We see each other every day. We talk with each other every day.

I guess a man has to have some secrets.

The car door opened signalling that we already arrived at the dorm. Everyone went out quietly, except Kris. Our manager still had a couple of things to finish with him. I, along with the other members, went straight up to our rooms.

Lay broke the silence as we entered the dorm room, “The hell was up with that?”

The others kept quiet. I didn’t know what to say as well. I felt like I was traumatized just seeing our manager like that, with his eyes all big and angry. And Kris just sat there absorbing all of his anger. I don’t get it. I don’t get it at all.

Why does Kris have to be reprimanded like that? It’s not like he killed someone with what he said. He didn’t deserve being treated like a kid who doesn’t know how to make decisions for himself. He’s an adult now. He can take responsibility of his actions. He has liberty of his choices in life.

Chen and Xiumin went straight to the fridge. “Anyone want a tuna sandwich?” Chen volunteered to prepare for us. “Let’s buy some Coke, guys.”

“We’re not allowed to drink Coke.” Luhan answered back tiredly. “I don’t want to be reprimanded by our manager.” Luhan the television after slumping himself on the couch.

Lay sat beside him and grabbed the nearest pillow. “We can have orange juice, Xiumin. I guess that’s all right for everyone.” Lay called out to the other two boys at the kitchen.

I was about to join Luhan and Lay at the couch when the door burst open. It was our manager. “Chen! Xiumin! What are you guys doing there?”

“We’re making tuna sandwich. You want one, hyung?” Chen replied nonchalantly, handing out his first prepared sandwich to their manager.

“Yah! You guys will have a photo shoot tomorrow! The salt in that tuna spread will up make your faces all bloated!” Our manager briskly walked towards Chen and confiscated the sandwich from his hand.

“Hyung…” came Xiumin’s voice. “Let them eat. We’re tired.” Xiumin held our manager’s hand, the one holding the sandwich.” “Please. It’s just tuna. They’ll Photoshop our faces anyway.”

Luhan and Lay was watching intently from the couch. I was, too. All these strict diet regimen that we are supposed to follow is making me all depressed sometimes. I cannot eat chips anymore. Even if I’m craving for it at times, I have to control myself from buying one because we have our image to promote and stuff.

Manager-hyung sighed, “Oh, all right. Just one.” He handed back the sandwich to Chen and urged him to continue making more for the others. “Besides, getting angry all the time is tiring. I need to rest. Luhan, Lay…” Both boys shot up from their reverie. “Turn off the TV when you’re done watching.”

“Yes, hyung.”

The door opened again, and this time it was Kris who entered. He looked down and tired. His shoulders were drooping. Man. Manager-hyung really drained all his energy.

He went straight to his room without saying a word. Not even sparing us members a glance.

“Hyung!” Chen called him. “I’m making tuna sandwich. Want some?” Chen stretched out a sandwich towards Kris. Smiling at him as if telling him things are okay. Because things should be okay. He shouldn’t be embarrassed in front of us, s. He’s only human.

Kris stared at the sandwich for quite some time. Contemplating if he should take it or not.

“No, thanks… Chen.” Kris forced a smile. “I’m really tired.”

Right before he walked to the hallway, he turned around to us. “And guys…”

Everyone’s heads turned to him as if on queue.

“I’m sorry… for what happened earlier. I got too ahead of myself.”

“No worries, Kris.” Lay was the only one who managed to reply. “We understand. You take some rest.”

“Thank you. Thank you, guys. You’re the best.” And with that Kris proceeded to enter his room.

Just when I thought he closed the door, I heard him call my name. My head snapped to the direction of his voice. I wonder what he needs from me now. “Yeah, gege?” I replied.

“Will it be all right if… if we talk for a while?” his eyes were pleading. His voice was soft, almost a whisper. Now how could I say no to that? He needed me. And suddenly, I felt a rush of excitement fill my body. But why? I shouldn’t feel excited. Kris is depressed and I feel excited? Something’s wrong with me. I need therapy.

“Sure thing, gege.”

Inside Kris’ room, he invited me to sit with him on his bed. I waited for him to speak first. Since he was the one who asked me to accompany him, he should be the one to break the silence. He was quiet for a long time though. I found myself being fascinated by the patterns on his bed covers. They were a combination of red and yellow. His bedside table had his phone on top with a couple of English books.

“Um… About earlier…” he finally started. But there was something inside of me that forced me to cut him off.

“It’s fine, really.” He looked at me and he was… Kris was crying. Those wet pearls on his lashes, they were visible form where I sat a few feet away from him. I stayed silent after seeing his eyes. I didn’t brace myself for waterworks. But I have to be firm, be strong for him right now. He called me, out of all the members. He asked me to be with him now that he’s feeling down and on the verge of crying it all out.

I changed my position, now facing him entirely. “You know you can cry in front of me. I won’t look at you as anything lesser of a man as you were before you raised your head.”

And he let go.

I stayed there in the atmosphere of dim light and quasi-solitude. The only sounds that I allowed the room to emit were the sobs of Kris a few feet away from me. It must have been hard holding it all in inside the van, most especially when we left him with our manager after we got out and went straight to the dorm.

Things have been hard for us. What with all the expectations from our fans, the company; the pressure of trying to be perfect because we have to always think of our image; the constant rehearsals and shows we have to do; the restrictions that we have to respect and follow. I guess, for Kris, they reached his limit and he just has to break down in order to stand up again. He’s our leader after all. He has added responsibility and societal expectations. A man can only handle so much.

I heard him sniff his last few sobs. He used the front part of his shirt to wipe away the tears that strolled down his face. “I shouldn’t have done what I did. I wasn’t thinking. Now manager is mad at me.”

“Why should he be?” I found myself answering back.

Kris was caught off guard with the question. I know I’m aware of the explanation already, but what I don’t understand is the extent of the repercussion that Kris had gone through earlier. It was not needed.

“Our manager explained it to me when you guys went out. It’s like this…” and Kris started with the explanation.

So apparently, we are every girls’ boyfriend? That’s what the company wants us to portray? That’s why we can’t have girlfriends of our own? And what Kris did earlier, which was like a semi-confession that he had a girlfriend back then, is definitely not allowed. But that was a long time ago. That was back in high school for heaven’s sake. What about these sasaeng fans? Should we be their girlfriends, too? Why should we feed their unhealthy fantasies?

I love our fans. I love the support they have given us as a group, but…

“But we know that being an idol is never going to be easy, right?” Kris was being his usual mature self. “Before we accepted this life, we saw how hard it has been for our sunbaes. We weren’t oblivious of the things that were happening around us.”

“True.” This time it was my turn to speak. “Yet we still pushed through until debut.”

“Because we have a dream to chase.” He placed a hand on mine that was laying on his bed. “Because this is what we have always wanted. This is what encouraged us to endure all the tiring classes during our trainee days. It's like the Law of Equivalent Exchange.”

"What's that?" I scrunched my forehead.

"To gain, one must lose something of equal value and importance."

"Where did you get that?" That was something new for me. I don't remember learning that in school.

"Full Metal Alchemist." He gave me a sheepish smile. "It's an anime I watched years ago. It's pretty awesome - alchemy." With that, he finished with a sigh.

"Uh-huh. Good to know."

I’m not tired of this life. I love what I’m doing. I’m just getting started and I still have plenty of dreams to chase after.

And everything’s easier as long as you’re there beside me, Kris. You’re the best big brother anyone would ever want.

“Thank you, Tao.” Kris squeezed my hand. I felt my heart skip a beat. Kris is holding my hand. That is so gay. I’m not gay. But I find myself liking this feeling that Kris has stimulated inside of me. In response, I nodded my hand.

He’s not letting go though. Why won’t you let go? And he’s staring at me with his piercing eyes.

“Anytime, gege.” I retracted my hand from his grip. I don’t care if it’s rude or whatever. It’s not right. What I’m feeling is not right. I shouldn’t be feeling this way towards Kris. He’s only my big brother, is all. There’s nothing going on between us so I shouldn’t pick up signs from his gestures. He treats the other members the same way. The only exception was that I was the one he called to accompany him inside his room.

We are alone inside his room.

“I hope you’re fine now, gege.” I stood up immediately, trying to be slow and discreet so he wouldn’t catch the debate I’m currently having inside my head. “I-I need to do something. I mean, I’m hungry and Chen made us tuna sandwich.”

“Oh, all right.” Kris started standing up but I stopped him. “Don’t!” I raised my hands in mid-air, indicating him to not stand up. “I know you’re tired. You need rest. You should rest.” I smiled while pushing him down to lay on his comfortable bed.

“Oh… kay…” Kris was eyeing me suspiciously but he agreed to what I said. “But if you guys need anything, you can just knock on my door, all right?”

I gave him a thumbs up and headed for the door.

As I was turning the doorknob, Kris said something. “By the way, about Vanessa…”

Yeah? What about Vanessa?

“She’s… I mean, she was… We had a thing going on back in Canada.” I didn’t turn around. I wanted to get out of the room already but he continued. “But that was just it. We broke up before I started training in SM.”

“You broke up?” I looked at him now. “So, you mean you had a girlfriend? You finally admit that?” Kris is admitting to me that he had a girlfriend. Kris is confessing that he fell in love before.

“Vanessa, yes. She was my first girlfriend.” I don’t know why he’s telling me this only now when we had years together back in our trainee days. It’s not like I care about him having a girlfriend. I… I really need to leave the room.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” He added.

I stayed still for a few seconds. I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest. You’re talking to me about your ex. That’s just great.

“Um, sure.” I slowly turned the knob and went out.