The next day we found ourselves inside the SM rehearsal room – the one with the blue sky background with clouds. All of us except for Kris. Some directors wanted to talk with him for a while. Something about a future project of SM that concerns Exo, too.

We were left in the rehearsal room to practice the new choreography, leaving an empty spot for Kris in every formation.

“And after that step, we do this… horseback stance or something.” Lay was reviewing the dance with Luhan and Chen. Chen was having a hard time catching up with the technicalities of the dance. And, of course, there’s the ever-helpful Lay to lend a hand.

“Horseback stance? Dude, you’re doing it like Psy’s Gangnam Style.” Luhan shoved Lay by the shoulder, teasing him.

Lay laughed knowing that Luhan got the joke, “Yeah, yeah.. We do the Gangnam Style, but with extra swag.” And Lay showed it to Chen.

Xiumin and I were sitting at the sides, resting. Seeing Lay with all his crazy antics, you can’t help but laugh along even though you’re reeking from exhaustion.

“Hey, guys! This just in.” Kris entered the room, halting Lay from making a whole new routine for Psy’s Gangnam Style. “For this SM Town Live World Tour, the head managers agreed to add more locations for shows in the Western region. How cool is that?”

“Cooler than ice!” Xiumin answered while laying an arm over Kris’ shoulder. “Did they give you the list of concert spots already?”

“Not yet. They’re still processing city government papers and stuff.”

Now isn’t this an awesome treat? I don’t mind extra performances. We’re used to that anyway. This is amazing news. I can really feel myself getting all excited-

“Tao, we’re going to Canada!”

“What?” I’m sorry. I started imagining all the awesome scenes that can possibly happen during the tour, I spaced out. I only heard Kris saying something about us going to Canada. What does that even mean?

“Tao!” You know, sometimes Kris can be a little bipolar. First he’s all calm and leader-like, tolerating the other members’ gagging, and then he snaps and changes to another pole and joins the members with their gagging with loud voices and uncontrolled excitement. “We’re going to Canada!” He held both of my shoulders.

“….so?”

Kris was caught off guard. He wasn’t expecting such a cold answer from me. “Why so laconic all of a sudden, Tao?” I felt his hands slowly letting my shoulders go.

I dunno, maybe because it’s Canada? And I know why you’re abnormally excited is because someone lives there. I do not want Kris mentioning that name again. Just because. “I’m just tired, gege. I’m sorry.”

He placed one hand on my upper arm and rubbed it soothingly. “Oh, okay. You want us to talk over bubble tea after rehearsal?”

-

Kris invited me for some quality time over bubble tea. He said he’ll spend for both us – who am I to say no? Grateful panda is grateful. As much as we would love to stay at the tea store, we couldn’t. More like, we didn’t want to. We could have, but it started becoming uncomfortable when the fans trailed our every move the moment we left the company building. I could hear TaoRis here, TaoRis there. Not that I mind or…

We went back to the building and sat at the benches outside the rehearsal studio. “So, wassup?” Kris started off.

“Nothing much.” I was too engrossed on savouring my wonderful wintermelon bubble tea. “Thanks for the tea, gege. It’s delish.”

“Sure thing. No worries. Anything for you, Tao.”

We were silent for a couple more minutes. And here I thought being outside with the stalker fans was awkward.

Slurp.

 “Tao…”

“Hmm?” Slurp.

“We’ll be performing in Canada…”

“I know...”

Kris shifted in his seat. “Tao…”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think Vanessa will be there?”

I sighed inside. I knew it. I knew where this conversation is heading. It’s going to be about Vanessa again. I haven’t even met the girl but I hate her already.

“I dunno. I don’t care.” I shrugged my shoulders. My bubble tea is far more important.

“Oh, c’mon, Tao. Talk to me.” He poked my sides, trying to gain my attention.

“I said I don’t know, gege!” I faced him this time, not even faking my show of irritation. “Why do you keep bringing Vanessa up anyway?!” I snapped. I saw Kris’ shocked expression. I was shocked myself. I didn’t expect to just burst out at Kris like that.

I saw Kris’ eyes glare at me. “Why are you even mad anyway?!” And we’re in the middle of an argument now? I do not want to be in a heated conversation with Kris. Really, I don’t. But him bringing up Vanessa just because he had a dream about her, that’s like obsession or something. Do I even have the right to be mad?

“I dunno… You tell me.” I stared at Kris, never wanting to be the first to look away.

Kris sighed. He slouched for a bit, finding out that he actually sat up straight when he answered back at me with that question. “Tao… are you jealous?”

Wha-? Um. Me? Jealous? Why should I be?

“Yes.” Because most of the time, honesty works.

Kris sighed again. “Come here, Tao.” He raised his arm to invite me to sit closer to him. “Okay, I’m sorry.” He pulled me closer. I nestled my cheek on his shoulder. “I think I shouldn’t have told you about Vanessa anyway.”

“No, gege.” I sat up. “It’s fine.”

“Well, is it? Is it really fine? Because basing on your reaction earlier, it’s not.”

If I were to be honest through and through, I don’t like it when Kris mentions Vanessa. I do get jealous and upset. Kris is living here in South Korea now. Isn’t it time to let bygones be bygones? He should learn how to let go of his past relationships and move on.

“Gege… I hope you don’t mind me asking this question.”

“Yes? What is it, Tao?”

“Did you really break up with Vanessa?” Because the puzzle just doesn’t fit.

“What… do you mean, Tao?” I can see reluctance in his eyes. Like he’s afraid I struck a memory or something.

“Was there a ‘formal’ breakup between the two of you?”

Kris took a deep breath. “Well, should there be?”

Mental facepalm on my part. “If you want to move on with your life, then yes, there should be. Unless you want to leave both of yourselves hanging over unanswered what ifs.”

Kris placed his bubble tea on the floor beside him, and rested his chin on his intertwined hands. “I didn’t have time, that was the reason. It was all too sudden for me, for the both of us. The next thing I knew, I was being flown to South Korea. We didn’t get to talk to each other about how we feel about me training at SM. I never had the strength to say goodbye.”

I racked my brain for a proper reply to what he said, but I seem to have respected the silence that fell between the two of us. As much as how I don’t like it when Kris talks about Vanessa, as much as how jealous I am becoming, I do understand why Kris wanted to keep talking about her. I guess he hasn’t moved on yet. And the opportunity of performing in Canada made him come up with multiple possibilities to actually meet her no matter how vague and impossible it may seem.

“Who knows, maybe we’ll meet her in Canada.” I gave him a pat at his back.

“You serious?” he looked at me.

“It could happen. We are known worldwide after all. Maybe she’ll buy tickets to watch the concert, hopefully.”  I smiled at him.

He smiled back. “Thanks, Tao.” He pulled me in for a side hug that was quite longer than usual. The space between his neck and his shoulder is actually really comfortable. He wasn’t letting go so I stayed in that position, too. Good thing there were no staff employees passing by.

“May I ask you a favour?” I felt his lips whispering to my hair.

“Anything.”

“If Vanessa does end up watching and she happens to meet us backstage.”

“What? With the tight security?” I just had to cut that thought. Chances of that scenario happening is so slim.

“But what if, you know. What if we do get to meet...” He trailed off with his sentence.

“What do you want me to do?” I turned my head to face him, looking up to see his face.

“Could you stay by my side, Tao?” He looked at me, too. Kris has beautiful eyes. Troubled but beautiful.

“You want me to meet Vanessa? Why?”

“It’s not that.” He looked away again, staring at a blank wall in front of us. I felt his hand tightening on my arm. “I just want you to be with me.”