I opened the car door, slid inside the front seat before closing it back again. Cool air from the side aircon welcomed me. The trunk closed tight and then the driver-side door opened to let manager hyung in to start up the engine and drive us back to the M dorm.

A slow turn to the left, “How’s the performance? How’s the show?”

“Fun on both accounts. Not that tiring if I may add. I only did one dance with mostly flips and jumps.” I turned to manager hyung to give him a grin, “I missed you, hyung!” and a punch on the shoulder.

“Tone down the physical abuse or we’ll get in an accident.” A laugh emitted from hyung’s lips, “and I miss you, too, Tao. I guess I can speak for the other guys by saying they miss our maknae for three days.”

“Yeah. We chatted the morning of Kris gege’s birthday so all’s good. The K guys treated me well, especially Joonmyun hyung.” I pulled out my earphones from my side pocket. It’ll be an hour-long ride anyway so sneaking in a quick nap might be the best idea. Tonight… If all happens according to how I planned it out in my head, then a nap is exactly what I need right now. I don’t want to mess this one up.

~

The knob of the dorm seemed a little intimidating at the moment. All I’m doing is just stare at it, and eventually realize how stupid I must look right now – staring at a silver door knob as if my future depended on how it’ll be turned in a few seconds (or minutes, depending on composure levels). I rested my hand on the spherical object.

“What the hell are you doing?” I snapped my head to see manager hyung almost out of breath from walking three flights of stairs. “Don’t tell me you just stood there the whole 15 minutes I was getting your stuff from the trunk and climbed the stairs?”

“No.” I gripped the knob and turned it to open the door. “I wasn’t just standing here the whole 15 minutes.”

The dorm was still the same since three days ago. Nothing changed much except the number of fan presents that we seem to arrange by the shoe rack. If by arrange you mean putting them aside without bothering to throw the gift wrappers out.

“Tao!” a sound greeted me by the living room. “Hey, guys! It’s Tao.” I see Luhan gege walking towards me, holding his arms out to give me a hug. “How’s the show?”

“Good. Where’s Kris gege?” I scanned the living room as we got there. Everyone was huddling at the sofa, watching whatever; everyone but Kris.

“He’s talking with hyung.”

I only nodded my head. I know he meant one of our managers. It happens often – Kris being pulled out of the scene by one of our managers for a quick discussion over something. And usually we just do our own thing and wait for Kris or manager hyung to tell us eventually. I hope this time they won’t take long. There’s something I need to do.

But, in fact, they did take long. Longer than usual, actually. I already finished the sandwich Yixing prepared for me and the movie’s almost over.

“I think I’ll go to my room to rest for a while.” I stood up and walked towards the door.

“We’ll call you for dinner.” Luhan called out from behind me.

I wasn’t really going to rest. I’m not even close to sleepy. I want to talk to Kris gege so I’m going to look for him. To the bedroom hallway, I must be. I walked quietly, not even sure why I needed to. All the doors were closed except for one – Kris gege’s room. So they must be having a meeting there. Wouldn’t really hurt to eavesdrop. They’ll dish out the information on us later during dinner anyway. They’ll-

“Hyung, not Tao. Please.”

What the…? Are they talking about me? I heard Kris’ voice filled with subtle desperation.

“Not my decision, Kris. It was the company’s decision.”

I inched closer. If they’re talking about me then I have all the right to know whatever it is that they’re talking about.

“But… We don’t need to do this, hyung. They can talk to a different company. SM is far better than this.”

I could hear restraint from gege’s voice. Restraint and plea mixed up together. I know gege well, and by the sound of his voice, he seems to be at an edge of losing it right now; which peaks my curiosity even more.

“Kris…” I heard a sigh. “From this point on, I don’t think I can do anything anymore. All we can do now is to follow the company’s decision. We don’t have a say on the matter. And, theoretically, as employees working under this company, all we have to do is to follow the boss’ orders.”

The boss’orders? Was it for me or about me? Why am I even part of this conversation in the first place? I was inches away from the door, controlling myself from barging in. They’re not gonna tell us this later during dinner. Oh no. They’re going to freaking sugar coat this conversation of theirs and let about only 60% of the truth out. If I want to know what’s going on, I need to keep my post and keep quiet.

“Then let me.” I heard Kris speak up after a few moments of silent deliberation.

“Excuse me?” manager hyung’s startled voice followed right after.

“Let me take the place of Tao.” Sounds of movement reached my ears. Someone just stood up from the bed and walked for a few feet. “Don’t let him do this. Don’t let him go through this mess.”

“It’s not for you to decide, Kris.”

I heard a soft chuckle from Kris as he heard hyung’s counterargument for his offer. “To be honest and with no pride content, I have more fans than Tao. I think the bargaining company will like their talent to be paired up with me, even if it’s just all fake.”

What do my fans have to do with this? Did I do something wrong again? I just danced at a show with our sunbaes, I’m pretty sure all I did the past 3 days were decent. Silence once again in the room and then a long and heavy sigh. “Fairly good point.”

“Talk to the company, hyung. Please. Tell them I willingly take Tao’s place.”

Take my place for what? What are they talking about? They’re ticking my curiosity and I seriously need to know now.

I swiftly opened the door, with no self-restraint, and it hit the wall with a loud bang. “Take my place for what?” I heard myself call out. My chest was doing drum rolls.

“Tao…” Kris’ eyes were wide with shock. Both him and manager hyung were standing in the middle of the room. Kris’ hands were on hyung’s shoulders as he was towering him with his height. “Tao, you’re not supposed to hear this.”

“You’re not supposed to be here in the first place!” Manager hyung removed Kris’ hands from his shoulders as he faced me. “This is a private conversation, Tao. You have no right to just barge entry without my permission.”

“I heard my name…” I whispered loudly as I was taking in quick breaths. “I heard my name so I want to know.”

“You don’t have to know… Tao.” Manager hyung is pretty mad right now. He was trying to keep his cool but he looks fuming mad at the moment.

“My name is part of your conversation. I think I have the right to know why.” I found myself answering back in a rather loud voice. Louder than normal if respect and politeness be considered.

Kris gege walked up to me. This conversation isn’t going anywhere pleasant and I think he caught up on that one. “Tao, leave.” He grabbed the door and stood right in front of me, hiding my view of manager hyung. “This conversation is not for you to hear.”

I didn’t move from my spot. Instead, I looked at gege in the eye sharply.

“Tao…” I felt his breath as he begged with his eyes for me not to prolong this any longer. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

My lips quivered. “I guess I was just so excited to see you, gege.” I turned my heel and left.

~*~

I wrapped my blankets all over me as I laid on my bed tonight. The aircon’s stable humming was the only sound in the air. Still, despite the cool air around the room, my chest feels warm. It’s like there’s something heavy inside and it’s making me hard to breathe normally and think rationally.

What did gege replace me for?

“May I come in?” I didn’t hear the door of my room being opened. I turned towards the entryway and saw Luhan ge peaking from outside, his hair reflecting the hallway’s fluorescents like a lion’s mane.

“Sure. Just walk in.” I sat up on my bed to give Luhan a place to sit.

“I heard.” Was gege’s way of starting a conversation.

“Every word?”

“No. Just the loud parts.” He smoothened the pillow on his lap. “You guys can be heard across the living room.”

“I see.” I bent my head down.

…

..

.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his. His doe orbs were full of concern yet calm and comforting. “I heard them mentioning my name.”

“What about?” he shuffled closer to me.

“I’m not sure. But I heard gege mentioning something about a company bargaining with SM.”

Luhan ge retracted back an inch. His face was one of thinking and curiosity. Then he exhaled slowly and asked me to continue.

“Then… then he was pleading to manager hyung to allow him to take my place.” I raised my eyebrows as I stared at Luhan’s eyes again. “And that’s the part I want to know.”

“So you interrupted their conversation and got hyung mad?”

“Yeah. That’s pretty much what happened next.”

“Boy, you’re in for a scolding tomorrow.”

Not really the kind of sentence I wanted to hear at the moment. But I know gege was just trying to lighten my mood. He doesn’t really need to make an effort actually. His mere presence in my room is already making me feel better.

“I did notice you were a little off when you arrived.” Gege continued on. “You wanna talk about the other thing that’s bothering you?”

“Don’t you have better things to attend to, gege?” I’m feeling a little private-y at the moment.

“Not really. I wanna hear your story.” He smiled at me. Oh god.

My mind’s in debate again. Should I tell him? Well, I’ve told him lots of things already. And we had that talk at the plane as well. And… “I was planning to confess to Kris gege today.”

I felt my hands squeeze the pillow I was holding. The heavy weight in my chest returned as I remembered the rehearsed lines I had in my head. “I was so excited to see him. The whole plane ride I was just… I… Gege…”

Luhan reached his hand to touch mine. “Tao, it’s okay.”

Tears were involuntarily streaming down my cheeks. I looked up at the ceiling, trying to make them stop from falling.

“Maybe tonight wasn’t the right time yet.” Luhan my hand as I was clutching onto the pillow as if my life depended on it.

I sniffed, keeping my composure. A few tears managed to escape before I wiped my face dry with my hands. “I don’t think this week would be a good time for that now, especially after what happened tonight.”

“You know what I think?” Luhan scooted in even closer, close enough that our knees were already touching. “I think you don’t need to rush things with this one. If it’s gonna happen, it’s going to freakin’ happen. No need to pressure yourself. And right now… there are other more serious things that both of you need to discuss.”

I scoffed, I couldn’t help it. “He’s going to talk to me anyway so I don’t need to be the one to come up to him. I deserve a decent explanation.”

Luhan was nodding his head in agreement. He heaved a sigh and looked at me. He smiled again, his eye wrinkles showing. “Feeling better, panda?”

Not… really sure about that. I hung my head sideways and squinted my eyes, trying to find the right words to describe what I feel. “I’m just tired of chasing after him. And right when I decided to end the race, something comes up and stops me midstride.”

“Tao…” Luhan reached out to me. He pulled me in for a tight hug. “You didn’t need any chasing in the first place.” I felt a hand my back softly as I rested my chin on gege’s shoulder. “I know you’re confused right now, but I hope that soon you’ll see how things are just going to fall into place like they should.”

I hugged Luhan back. He always knows the right things to say, and at the most appropriate times as well. I’m glad I have Luhan gege to listen to me when no one is patient enough to deal with my immaturity. No matter how many times I bother him at shows, he still remains patient towards me.

“I’m glad you’re here for me, gege. Thanks for bothering to check up on me tonight.”

“Always, Tao. Always.”

And at that moment, I heard someone close the door.