I backtracked a few steps to give him space as I was nodding my head. He entered my room slowly, one step at a time. “Um… I’m sorry for… for banging on your door.” He was sniffing the last remains of his crying as his hand was scratching the back of his neck.

“Why are you crying?” I blatantly asked him, still moving backwards slowly.

A minute laugh escaped his lips, “I’m asking myself the same question at the moment.” He looked me straight in the eyes. I saw his lips curve up into a gentle smile. “Is it okay if I close the door? I really don’t want the others to hear our conversation.”

“What makes you think I want to have a conversation with you?” I immediately threw him a reply.

Shock was evident on his features, “Well, because… You opened-“

“I just opened my door just so you wouldn’t break it down like how you sounded like you would a few minutes ago.” I scoffed.

“Wow, Tao… Seriously?” he threw his hands up in frustration. “Look, I’m just… I’m just going to close the door.” He puffed a sigh and turned around to close the door of my room and give us a little privacy.

I don’t know how days ago we were both sleeping together on my bed being all comfortable and now we’re just standing far apart, face to face, in the middle of my room as if touching is one form of blasphemy.

“Why did we end up like this, Tao?” he presented his hand in front of him like he’s showing to me the distance that’s between us right now. “We can’t even have a decent conversation. Why can’t we just go back to how we were before? Don’t you… Don’t you miss how we were before?”

And, as if someone pushed a button, water slowly filled my eyes and I was trying not to let them slide down. I couldn’t answer his question, because answering might turn me into a puddle of mess. With guilt in my system, I bowed my head.

He motioned closer to me, a bit cautious in his steps, “Tao, come here.”

No.

I turned around and dashed towards my bedside table.

“Tao?” I heard him question my sudden display of behavior.

I need to find it.

I couldn’t find it on top of my table. I know I hid it here somewhere. I kept it safe because I know I was going to need it soon.

‘Tao, what are you looking for?”

I opened the drawer of my table and quickly threw out its contents.

I need to find it.

“Tao, why are you acting like this?” his tone was rising. He walked closer to where I was rummaging my stuff.

I’m regretting not fixing my room last week. Now I can’t find the one thing I seriously need right now and – aha!

Buried deep inside the drawer was the notepad I was searching for. I reached for it before Kris tapped me on my shoulder. “What is going on? Why are you so rattled all of a sudden?”

I jumped away from him, opened the notepad to that certain page that holds his penmanship. I threw the pad away after ripping the only page I needed then I handed it out to him. “Take it.”

He looked at me with eyes filled with bewilderment. Slowly, he reached out his hand to take the piece of paper from me. “What’s this?”

“Read it.” I ordered to him.

Written on that piece of paper was the line he wrote while we were sitting side by side on a sofa back in Canada.

Why am I so afraid of losing you when you’re not even mine?

 “You kept this?” he looked at me, his eyes slowly filling with subtle anger I can see he’s trying to control. “Tao, what does this mean?”

“You’re going to be an amazing boyfriend to that girl – to her.” I ignored his question; I decided not to answer it. “I was honest when I said that back there outside.”

“Tao, stop saying those things. You don’t even know what’s going to happen. I don’t even know what’s going to happen.”

“And, and…” My lips were shaking. “And you’re going to get noticed more. And you’re going to make people notice EXO more.” Words were escaping my mouth really fast even before my mind can even process them. “It’s going to be like that scripted show where people act like they’re married when it’s all just for variety, but this… this time it’s going to be real.”

“Nothing in this mock relationship will be real, Tao. Nothing! It’s going to be all fake! So stop worrying too much and-“

“Oh, it’s going to be real. It’s going to be freaking real once she falls in love with you, because she will fall in love with you, gege. It’s inevitable. Just being with you… she will; it’s going to happen.” The tears that threatened to fall from my eyes moments ago, were now gliding across my cheeks.

“Tao, just stop! You and your insecurities towards someone I haven’t even met yet. This... Look, you’re worrying on things that won’t even happen. And what is with this piece of paper?” he waved the paper in front of me, his voice getting a little bit louder.

“You’re asking me why I’m acting like this. You’re asking me to say something?” I raised my voice to level with his. “That’s what I want to say. It says everything.”

My response confused him even more; agitated him even more. He looked at me like I was speaking some unknown language from outer space. He blinked his eyes in frustration and combed his hair with his free hand. “What the , Tao. The hell does this piece of paper mean?!”

“I’m falling in love with you, gege!” I finally said to him. Tears were trickling down my face so freely. “And I’m so confused…”

He froze in front of me, his eyes piercing through my very being. The only part of his body that was moving was his chest – rising and falling heavily as he was loudly taking in air. I wasn’t moving as well. I want him to make the first move; to speak the first word to break the silence.

“But, Tao…” he spoke. He let go of the paper and it slowly dwindled to the ground. “What is there to lose?” he tried laughing as if showing to me that whatever thought that came to my mind was nonsense. “I’m not going anywhere. You know that.” His voice was a little louder than a whisper.

“You-you’re going to be with he-her, that’s where you’re going.” my shoulders were now shaking and I was catching my breath with every word I mutter.

“Tao, I don’t even know her…” his intense gaze has now fallen, his forehead slowly relaxing. “But I know you…” He reached out his hand to me. “Come here…”

As if on safe mode, my body automatically moved back. My legs carried me away from him.

“Please… Tao… Just…” he wasn’t frustrated anymore. It was more like he’s pleading to me. “Please don’t make this any harder for me. You’re not the only one that’s confused here.”

Confused.

I stepped forward, unhurriedly, my eyes never leaving his. Then patience must have left him, he closed the distance between us with two long strides and wrapped his arms around me.

My face met his shoulder as he buried his on the crook of my neck. I felt strong gushes of wind. It was like he was breathing in my scent.

“I miss hugging you like this.” he finally spoke. A memory of that night on my bed filled my senses – how he rested his head on top of mine as I was shivering.

Slowly, he moved his hand to my hair and held onto it firmly, tightening the hug in the process. “I said this before, right in this same room, and I’m going to say it again just so you would stop thinking about all this nonsense and forget about that girl, forget about this mock relationship, just forget about everything that is bothering you right now.” He took in a deep breath and I felt his chest rise against mine. “Tao, you’re very important to me. And I don’t want stuff like this happening because it’s hard coping with the feeling of missing you.” I felt him breathe in air. “I’d rather deal with your stubbornness than feel an indescribable emptiness inside.”

Well that pretty much did it. I was now a shaking ball of waterworks. I gripped his back with both of my hands, as my sobs were getting stronger.

We stayed in that position for a moment, hugging each other. His hand was my back, trying to ease my sobbing as he was whispering It’s okay and I’m not going to leave you over and over again.

As I started to calm down, I felt something thumping between our chests. “Gege, your heart is beating fast.”

He laughed softly, “I know. I can feel it throbbing inside my chest.”

“Why?” I hiccupped, “Why is it beating that fast?”

“Because I’m…” he gave himself a few seconds to think about his answer. “Because I’m scared, Tao.”

“Why are you scared?” I asked nonchalantly.

Again, a few silent seconds, “I don’t know.”

“How come you don’t know? You always know the answers to stuff.” I sniffed.

He laughed at my innocent reply. “I’m scared because… I fear the immediate future – of what may lie ahead of us, and I know they’re not all meadows and butterflies. I’m frightened of the indefiniteness of it all.” He pulled out of the hug. And suddenly, air came swooping between us as if our bodies were gasping for it. I felt cool air rub my now wet shoulder.

Kris wiped his tears before continuing, “but, more so… This… feeling that’s swelling up within me… It’s… strange.” He kept nodding his head, not even looking at me. He was staring down at the floor as he was trying to make out the words to explain what he was feeling. “It’s different – what I feel towards you. I haven’t felt it like this before. It’s something new.”

He took my hand with his and carefully slid his fingers in between mine. “But I like how it’s building up in my chest and how it travels to my fingers. I like how foreign it is. I like different. I like it and I don’t want it to fade away despite how scared it makes me feel.

As I was too caught up staring at our hands and how much I actually like the feel of our fingers together, a hand held my chin to raise my head upwards. “Tao… it’s beating so fast because I love you, too.”

My heart skipped a beat.

I only looked at him with my eyes slowly widening and my brows rising as the realization of his words hit me. He stared back, gauging my reaction.

He removed his hand from my chin. I moved a step back yet not too far that our entangled hands were still together. I looked away but to nowhere in particular, just staring at everything and nothing at the same time. My eyes were just gazing my room blankly as I feel my heart beat in a constant strong rhythm.

“What are you thinking?” I heard him ask. He squeezed my hand.

“Whoa… That’s what I’m thinking. The current state of my mind is a traffic jam of interjections.”

He smiled. His eyes slowly fill with warmth as he ruffled my hair with his free hand.

“But,” I continued. “In the middle of the traffic jam, there’s a small vehicle of thought with flashing neon lights that says ‘all along’.” I looked back at him, “All this time?”

“It’s been a while, yes.”

~o~o~o~

We were both sitting on my bed, facing each other. He held a hand of mine with both of his, playing with my fingers every now and then.

“So what’s gonna happen now?” I asked him.

He gave me a shrug of his shoulders. “I don’t know. Whatever, I guess.” He fidgeted on his seat and shook his head. “I really don’t want to think about that right now. Can we just try not to talk about that?”

“Okay.” I just kept a poker face. “Well, what do you wanna talk about then?”

“Nothing.” He kept tracing the lines on my palm. “I just want to be with you.”

I couldn’t help but smile at that one. I feel similar sentiments at the moment, not exactly the same but it’s there. “Will we tell the others about… us?”

“How about we’ll just let it be? I think Luhan already knows. He’s smart like that. I think he saw the whole picture even before we both did.” He smirked.

“Yeah. And I think Jongin kind of fit the last piece of the puzzle, too.”

“What?” he jerked.

“When we had that video chat, the eve of your birthday…I dunno. He sort of saw us while we were chatting and how we were talking to each other and stuff.” I scratched the back of my head. “And then he told Kyungsoo.”

Kris nodded his head. “I see.”

“Well, they’re together and the K guys don’t mind so I think everything’s good.” I showed him my brightest grin ever.

“Speaking of them… We’re flying back to Korea in the next few days, after we finish the magazine shoot here. I guess this whole fake show will happen in Korea, with the girl being a Korean and all.”

I took a deep breath. I know gege has just confessed to me his true feelings, but after everything that has happened within the past hour, I can’t seem to avoid being jealous towards the girl. There’s this anticipatory anxiety that’s building up within me. As much as I hate it, it’s there.

I felt a hand on my cheek, “Hey… Here you go again.”

“I’m sorry, gege. I guess that’s how jealousy sort of works.”

“Tao, it’s you that I like. Okay?” he caressed my cheek. “It’s just going to be for a few months and then everything’s going to be back to normal.”

I scoffed. “We don’t even live a normal life. How can things be normal…”

He mumbled something under his breath. “Confessing to the one you love and finding out they actually love you back – I think that’s beyond normal. That’s amazing. This…” he raised our intertwined hands, “This feels amazing. I may not be able to give you a perfect relationship, but nothing in this world is perfect anyway.”

He reached for my other hand to hold, “We may be blind of our feelings for each other before, but now we see. And I am mentally asking myself why it took me so long to actually find the courage to admit to myself, and to you, that I actually love you. Because I do, I really do. I may be uncertain of the future of EXO, but what I feel towards you, I am sure of it.”

I couldn’t even craft a decent enough sentence in my head. He’s so good with words, I can’t make a proper comeback with what he just said. “Gege, I want to try something. I hope you don’t mind.”

After he gave me a nod of his head, I sat up on my knees, leaned over to him and connected our lips together. I felt him stiffen. He wasn’t expecting me to actually answer him back with a kiss. Heck, me neither. But I just did.

It wasn’t long, though. Just a few seconds and I pulled away yet still near him to actually hear his breathing. “I’ve been wondering how it would feel like.” I said.

“And?” a grin slowly forming on his lips.

“It felt nice.” I smiled. I returned to how I was sitting a while ago.

“It… felt nice for me, too.” He echoed. “But the scenarios in my head all play with me initiating the kiss, not you.” a playful serious expression etched on his face.

“You have plenty more chances, gege.” I removed one of my hands from his and ruffled his already unruly hair. He shied away from my hand as soft laughter escaped my lips. “I’m not going anywhere… You know that.”

For the next few minutes or so, I want us to just stay here like this. This may not be perfect. There may be a lot of what ifs that threaten our newfound relationship. And whatever may happen in the future, there may come a time that we both need to part ways and move on because of whatever reason there may be, at least for now and for a long time, there will be us. We’ll be together.

It took us quite a long time to assure each other of our feelings, and I want to have a much longer time for us to prove to each other how real these feelings are; much, much longer.

He reached out to pull my head closer to his and kiss my forehead. “Let’s go out? Are you okay now?” he asked.

I am. “I feel so much better. Thank you, gege.”

We both slowly walked towards the door. He gave my hand one final squeeze before letting go to turn the knob. “Ready?”

I looked at him and gave him a slight nod. We’re both just starting but I know we’ll face the next chapter together.

Neither of us knows how things will work out. But, yes… I’m ready.

~*~

And so I'm done. =)

Thank you a gazillion much for reading, subscribing, commenting, & up voting. <--- A combination of the four is amazing.

And... you may be wondering why I won't continue writing the mock relationship part. Well, I think that if I write that then this story will extend to god knows how many more chapters, and it'll break away from the title and the main conflict of the story which is Tao getting a grip with his feelings and overcoming his insecurities regarding that. The mock relationship is a whole different story and deserves its own chaptered fic. For a sequel maybe... I dunno. I'll think about it.

Anyways... I hope you had fun reading my story as much as I had fun writing it. I would read your comments saying how you feel so fluffy inside and at times cry your heart out in certain chapters. I did, too. =)

Thanks again. <3