A faint sound is entering my senses. It’s a song playing. It’s playing louder and louder as time pass by fleetingly. Bit by bit, the world is starting to form with hues. My whole body felt heavy. I didn’t want to move. The song is still playing, and it’s really loud now. I reached for the sound, but my body felt heavy. I reached as far as I could, and I felt my body turn. My face was met by something soft and cool – my pillow.

I was dreaming, and the thing that was playing that loud song was my phone. Maybe I received a message, or someone called me. Someone called me at 5:00 in the morning? Sheesh. The room is silent again. I lay on my bed, hugging my pillow. My eyes went all droopy. It’s pretty obvious that I still needed sleep. I wasn’t getting enough of it these past few days, not with all the photo shoots and interviews bulked up in our schedule. It seems like every time we think we can catch a breather, an agency suddenly calls and wants to book us for another photo shoot or another talk show. And now that we’re frequenting the rehearsal studio for a comeback, it feels like we’re running after life at the moment.

And it doesn’t help that a lot of things have been bothering me lately. I find myself thinking and prioritizing on the important things in my life right now – my career, dance rehearsals, my rap duet with Kris.

My eyes suddenly shot open and I sat up.

Kris.

Come to think of it, I’ve been thinking of him a lot lately. I mean, living in the same dorm as he is gives me the opportunity to see him every day, and experiencing all of the celebrity hype with him everyday makes things even better. That is if being with Kris does make things better, because it does for me.

I stared at the wall in front of me for quite some time now. I wasn’t blinking. I realized that when I shut my eyelids and they stung a bit.

“I need to do something.” I unconsciously mumbled as I sat on my bed without moving. I just stayed there, thinking. Yesterday, when Kris and I sat together at the car, we had a conversation. Not that we don’t talk at all. This conversation was different. Awkward. Well actually, you know what? The whole day of yesterday was awkward. We didn’t talk about sasaeng fans, nor our rap duet and how doomed we’ll be if we didn’t start memorizing our lines already.

As we were strolling down the pavement, he said something. “Hey, Tao.”

“Hm?” I managed to answer in return.

“You know Vanessa, right?”

Ah. Vanessa. Kris told me about her once. She was the girlfriend every boy dreams to have. Well, every boy in Kris’ old school in Canada. I remember he told me he had a crush on her before. He would always try to be at the library by 9:00 in the morning because he knows that that is Vanessa’s free time, and Kris very much knows that Vanessa frequents the library to read books. And that he knows Vanessa likes tall guys who can dance that’s why Kris considered taking up dance lessons so he could impress her. He already fits the tall guy criterion, not to mention he already had good looks even before our debut. What he lacked most was confidence to actually walk up to her and tell her he liked her.

But somehow I’m glad he didn’t. I mean, if Kris and Vanessa did end up being together then… Then that would mean Kris wouldn’t have trained at SM with me. Me and the other members of course. Because, because that would mean he would have been committed to someone and  that could have destroyed his dream of being an idol. He could be living a different life now.

I dazed off, not even realizing that Kris was actually talking beside me.

“Yah, Tao.” He tapped me at my chest and I blinked back to the present. “Hey, you dozing off?”

“Aish. Sorry, gege. Just… A lot of things in my mind lately. Sorry, you were saying?” I tried to shake away thoughts of Kris’ old life. I should focus on the now, and how I’m in the same car Kris is, and that we’re sitting together at the backseat and…

“So, Vanessa’s this hot little Filipina back in my high school days in Canada.” Kris started again, knowing that he got my attention.

Gah! I knew where this is heading. I looked up at him, “Yeah. I know her.”

“You do?” He looked at me in surprise. “Yes, gege. You told me about her before, remember?” and suddenly the back part of the front seat is more interesting than anything in this world.

“I did, huh.” He trailed off. “So, um.. Cool. Then I won’t need introductions anymore. Well, it got me thinking,” He started off again, “You think she knows I’m an idol now?”

“Huh?” Okay, so why would Kris wanna talk about that? Talk about random conversations.

“Zitao, I dreamt about her last night.” And suddenly his eyes trailed off to look outside his window.

So that’s why. Figures. “What about it? The dream, I mean.”

“I can’t remember most parts. It was like, I flew back to Canada and… and we met at school.”

I rolled my eyes, “Now why would you meet at your old school?”

“I dunno. But that’s the mystery of dreams, right? They don’t talk to you literally. They try to send a message full of unanswered questions and… Do you think it means we’ll meet again, Tao?”

“Who?”

“Me and Vanessa. Do you think my dream is warning me that we will meet in the upcoming future?”

I tried not to show that I really do not care much about this Vanessa person. But I do care about Kris, as a friend of course. I care about him a lot when he shows he’s in pain after a performance or so. But Vanessa? I don’t even know her personally, and I have no intention of getting to know her at all. She’s not even part of my past.

“Zitao…” I felt a hand shaking my thigh.  I looked at Kris. And his eyes was looking straight at mine.

“Uh.. Yah. Why are you so bothered with that dream anyway?” I shrugged him off.

“I dunno. It’s just… To be honest, there’s a part of me that wants it to come true.”

I looked back at him. What did he say now?” But gege… You’re living your dream now. Isn’t being an idol what you’ve always wanted? You’ve got us now.” I tried talking some sense into him.

“Us?” He gave me that questioning look of his. He suddenly misunderstood what I said!

“I mean! Us 12 members of Exo! You got 11 other guys behind you through thick and thin.” I should really choose my words when I’m talking to him.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right, Tao.” He nodded his head slowly. “But…”

“Okay look.  I read this psychology jumbo thing on the internet and it says that dreams only show what we want in life, okay? It doesn’t really mean anything. It doesn’t mean that we dream of our future and stuff, except on certain paranormal circumstances. It’s your subconscious, you see. It’s stronger when you’re sleeping. It knows your hidden desires, your deepest wants. And it manifests through our dreams. You dreaming of meeting up with Vanessa at your old school plainly signifies that you miss her and that…”

I stopped. I can’t believe I’m actually explaining Kris’ dream to him. Luhan’s right, I’m getting too caught up with researching about dreams on the internet.

“Yes, Tao? And that what?” Kris egged me to continue.

“Um, and that…” Can I actually finish what I want to say? Do I actually want to say the last few words? “It means that you want to be with her.”

“Hmm…” Kris look up with his hand on his chin. I sure got him thinking. “That’s some psychology mumbo jumbo you got there. So that’s what’s keeping you busy on the internet, huh?” He playfully poked my side.

“Yah. Quit that.” I wasn’t entirely sure I should’ve explained that to him. He might overanalyse his dreams from now on. I don’t want him to get caught up on his dreams because reality is far more interesting for the both of us, for Exo, at the moment.

Saying it out loud that Kris might be want to meet Vanessa, made my insecurities go on hyperdrive. But why should they, right? Why should my emotions bother me at the thought of Kris wanting to meet his high school classmate who’s the hottest girl on campus. It’s not like Kris and I are committed. We’re brothers at heart. Only brothers.

“Hey, we’re here.” Kris motioned for us to get ready to leave and welcome another stampede of cameras outside of the car. How the fans get to track our daily itinerary, I dare not know.

As the car door was opened and a rush of DSLR shutter clicks enter my auditory senses, I remembered something.

I dreamt of Kris last night.