"I take his hand, we sink.
I'll drown when I see you, I do."
I'll Drown by Soley

I woke up to something that I hadn’t experienced since I lived at home with my parents; the smell of bacon sizzling into the room from the kitchen. With a groan from the soreness that throbbed in my , I rolled onto my stomach and found the large and unfamiliar bed I was laying in to be empty. Still waking up alone . . . The irony didn’t have time to sink in before I heard the floorboards creak in the hallway and looked up to see Taecyeon standing in the open door.

   He was wearing a comical pair of mint green pajama pants with rubber ducks printed on them but even still, if he hadn’t had that dull grey t-shirt on to cover his perfect body, the sight of him with that messy hair would have had me hard.

   “Morning.” The calm energy Taecyeon brought with him washed over me and I couldn’t help but smile.

   “Hey.” I said before finally losing all my courage and looking down at the mess of tangled sheets that I was lying in. “Oh , I’m still .”

   A faint smile curved his lips up at one corner. “Well, when you’re done putting some clothes on, breakfast is ready.” Was all he said before he turned around and stalked back down the hallway.

   Part of me wondered if he was actually okay with the current situation between him, his husband and me, but I pushed the thought away and chalked his quietness off as him just being a quiet person. When he was out of my line of sight, I rolled off the bed and was surprised to find my clothes folded neatly on the dresser. I picked them up and the smell of fresh laundry soap had me smiling.

   “Thanks for washing my clothes.” I announced to Taecyeon as he stepped into the kitchen with a big smile. He looked up from the kitchen table, where he had an untouched plate of bacon, eggs and French toast waiting for me.

   “It was MinJun,” Taec said as he swallowed his food. “He has a habit of being a neat freak.”

   I nodded, noticing that there were only two plates on the table as I sat down. “Where is he, by the way?”

   “Work.”

   Such a simple and short answer. Why’d it feel so cold?

   I took my fork and started eating. It was delicious, like dinner last night. I hadn’t had two home cooked meals in a row in so long. As good as it was, I still ate slowly, my eyes wandering up to Taecyeon more than they probably should have. He just sat there, reading the paper and sipping on coffee.

   “Hy– Taecyeon?” I asked quietly.

   Taec hummed, taking his time in folding the paper neatly back up before he looked at me. For a moment, I was just staring at the way his face looked so much older with the reading glasses he wore. His prominent jaw looked like chiseled lines in the face of a statue. Even with his fresh out of bed look, Taecyeon was a fine man.

   A fine man who was currently waiting on me to say something.

   I cleared my throat, just to stall for a little more time, but in the end I still felt just as stupid as I asked. “Are you . . . okay with what I did . . . last night?” I didn’t add the ‘with MinJun’ part that my brain wanted to, just in case the answer was no.

   But I half expected the mocking chuckle from him. “If I wasn’t, I would have kicked your last night, don’t you think?”

   Relief was like a wave, cleansing me and making me sigh just a little. “I suppose you would have.” I smiled back at him, grabbing the empty coffee mug in front of me and filling it. “You guys . . . You make a very interesting pair.” I said as I put some sugar in the coffee and took a small sip.

   “I think the three of us make a very interesting set.” He said as he went back to reading the paper.

   And there it was again; that feeling of belonging creeping its way back into my heart.



Despite Taecyeon’s offer to stay over again, I had to head home by the mid day, using the excuse that ‘I had to feed my cat’. It wasn’t just that, of course. Taec was pleasant company, yes, but there was something about being with him alone. It made me fidget, and in the off chance that he happened to look at me, it would create tremors in my chest and I’d glance away like a flustered student with a crush on a teacher.

   I hated it.

   It wasn’t like the way I saw MinJun. He was protective, tender, and absolutely fun to tease. I had a crush on MinJun since the moment he started popping up at the market with his passionate eyes full of so much appeal I could barely look at him and keep my cool. That was that. But Taecyeon . . . he was the forbidden fruit. There was no fantasizing, no wondering what it would be like to steal his lips and temporarily claim them as my own.

   He let me go with a kiss and a half hearted smile. It was our only contact since I had awoken that day, and while I quite thoroughly enjoyed the affection, the thought of MinJun’s expressionless face on the first night I’d ever seen him back in the market instantly came to my mind. I could tell he was tired that night, but all I could be concerned about was how he managed to endure a kind of tired that ached on the inside of your bones. Because that kind of tired was the same as mine. Maybe Taec was the key?

   By the time I got home, a grey fur ball trotted up to the door of my shared apartment to greet me. I picked it up and chuckled when an exasperated meow vibrated against my chest. “Jeonggam . . . You wouldn’t believe the night I had.” I murmured aloud as I gently that sacred spot between his eyes and carried him to my bedroom with every intention to shower and change my clothes. But the sound of a door swinging open halted my movements and I looked up at the door that was just past mine.

   No matter how many times I watched a new person come out of that bedroom around this time of day, looking as if he’d just awakened and stepping past me without a word, I always had that same feeling that stopped my breath for a short moment. Just long enough to catch a fleeting glimpse of almost forgotten memories.

   “Well, look who finally decided to come home.” I closed my eyes at the sound of a sultry voice lingering in the other doorway, looking up and not even the least be surprised at the sight of Junho’s body greeting me with an annoyed face. “What, no good morning?” He asked as he headed for the bathroom.

   “It’s one in the afternoon.” I mumbled, and for some stupid reason decided to follow him. Jeonggam had long since wiggled out of my arms and ran away to some other part of the apartment, so I was left staring at my hands to avoid looking anywhere but at my best friend’s . “Why don’t you put some clothes on?”

   “Oh please, you know I hate those things.” Junho glanced at me and did a double-take, his eyes roaming over my figure. “Are you walking with a limp? Did you get some last night?”

   I said nothing.

   “When’s the last time you bottomed anyway?”

   “That’s not your business.” I grumbled as I took a look in the mirror and combed my hair back with my fingers a few times.

   “It had to have been in high school, right?” The more Junho pressed on in a teasing tone and nudged my shoulder, the more uncomfortable I became talking to him about this.

   “I said it’s not your business.”

   “Did they both screw you, or was it just one?”

   “Why does it matter who s me?!” I snapped, for the first time in years, forcing Junho to visibly flinch for a short moment before his jaw settled and he stood up straight.

   “Jeez, Channie . . . I was just poking fun, I didn’t think you’d actually give it up to a pair of strangers so easily.” Here he went again, he was going to stand here and tell me all the reasons why this situation I had landed myself in was stupid. “But I guess there’s a lot about you that I thought.”

   “Jealous?” I crossed my arms, feeling slightly victorious at the split-second look on his face that he thought he had hid well.

   “Don’t you dare put those words into my mouth, Hwang Chansung!” Junho jabbed at my chest with his index finger and I tried to look intimidating as he growled up at me. “You know more than anything that I’m not that petty, and that when I say things like this, it’s because I ing care about you. So don’t insult me by insinuating that I’ve got some twisted ulterior motives or something, because you know that’s not it!”

   And with that, my shoulders slumped and I felt deflated and beaten. “. . . Sorry.”

   Junho looked down, like he didn’t know what to do or say, but it wasn’t long before his lips were moving again and his words came out in a quiet mutter. “So you actually had with . . . them? Really, Channie?”

   “You know, for someone who just had some dude coming out of his bedroom, you sound awfully judgmental.”

   “Some dude?” Junho’s mouth fell open and then twisted into a snarl. “Yah!” He pushed me out of the bathroom and stomped past me. “Jinwoon is my boyfriend, who you’ve seen a million times and we even went to high school with!” He yelled on his way to the front of our apartment. “You never pay attention to anything other than your own feelings! You’re just in your own world of misery and comfort and that’s all that matters to you is how you feel!”

   “What?” I tilted my head. Since when had he been going steady? My heartbeat quickened a little and I went after him to defend myself but just as I had stepped into the living room, the ring of the doorbell cut me off mid-breath.

   But Junho and I glanced at the door with a sigh. Neither of us wanted to continue this conversation anyway, so why was it so hard to more towards the door? He just stared at me for what felt like an unbearably long time until the doorbell rang again and he rolled his eyes.

   Before I could stop him, Junho the opened door in his full glory, completely unfazed by the way a startled looking MinJun gawked at him before composing himself and clearing his throat. “I-I think . . . I have the wrong address.” MinJun murmured before bowing respectfully and turning to storm away.

   “You must be MinJun~” Junho grabbed his shoulder and pulled him in the apartment. “Channie wouldn’t shut up about you and your y gorilla–what’s his name again?–ah, Taecyeon~” I refrained from bringing my palm to my face as they turned towards me and MinJun looked at me with an expression of both amusement and anxiety.

   I waved and smiled half heartedly, receiving the same response from him as Junho stalked away to the kitchen to give us some space. I didn’t miss the quick glance MinJun shot towards Junho’s pale body as he disappeared around the corner.

   “I didn’t know you were coming by, hyung.” I said, pointedly trying to distract him. He looked at me and that not-so-rare blush of his covered his cheeks faintly.

   “Ahh, well I just wanted to see how you were doing . . . if everything was alright.” MinJun said almost timidly.

   The smirk on my lips couldn’t have been fought, even if I wanted to. “Keeping tabs on me, are you? Or do I hear genuine concern in your voice?” I crossed my arms and eyed him, knowing that in mere seconds, he’d start to fidget and feel uncomfortable. Just before he could respond, Junho’s head popped up from around the corner, reminding me that we weren’t alone.

   “Maybe he just came to make sure you’re not dying from that -pounding you got last night~” I closed my eyes as Junho went back to being invisible. I would have to kick him later on, and I’m sure he was aware of this but due to the snarky and uniquely complex nature of a Hobutt, I also doubted that he cared.

   “Please excuse him.” I said as MinJun stared at the floor, his cheeks ten shades darker than they previously were.

   “. . . Why’s he ?” He surprised me with the blunt question, but whatever, I guess he had a right to ask whatever he wanted.

   “Because he’s weir–”

   “Because,” Junho cut me off dramatically, walking back from the kitchen with a cocktail–probably a Manhattan– in his hand. Who the hell starts drinking this early in the day? “Clothes are an abomination and a killer of one’s true self~” Junho stated as he took a rather large sip of the cocktail, reminding me that it was indeed Junho we were talking about, and he was quite the anomaly.

   MinJun just looked at him, processing what he’d just heard and then scrunching his face. “That makes no sense.”

   I sighed, knowing where this conversation was going. As I suspected, Junho puffed his chest and huffed lightly. “Clothes are bull; they hide our body’s natural features and therefore keep us from being in our true form and showing who we really are.”

   “But what about the people that like to express themselves through fashion . . . are they bullting just because they wear colors and styles that show off their creative expression and how the really feel?” MinJun shot back just as sharply and quick witted. Honestly, it was a bit amusing, the two of them.

   Junho just smirked and eyed MinJun before sighing deeply. “You must be one of those ‘fashionista’ types, right?” He didn’t even wait for a response. “Well, underneath the clothes, we are what we are and there’s no piece of fabric that could ever make us express what we feel more than our very own faces. Clothes don’t make us beautiful, clothes don’t mean we’re better people, people should stop living as if clothes and material items do any of those things for us, because they don’t.”

   “I’m not arguing that.” MinJun mused and even I raised an eyebrow.

   “Then what are you arguing?” Junho was beginning to become annoyed, I could see the tensing of his fingers around his glass as he crossed his free arm over his chest and looked at MinJun.

   “I’m arguing that clothes are not a ‘killer of one’s’ true self’.” He said to Junho. “If someone needs material items just to express themselves, then their mind is already heading in the wrong direction and they still would be, with or without the clothing . . . It’s unguided ignorance that is a killer of one’s true self, not the items that a certain percentage of people acquire because of that ignorance, and you can take that however you want to take it.”

   For once, Lee Junho was rendered completely silent, mouth agape and all.

   I smirked, looking at Junsu proudly as he turned to me and then smiled. “I guess you seem to be doing just fine, Chansung-ah . . . I better get going.” To my surprise, MinJun reached out to hug me before stepping back towards the door.

   “Come back anytime, hyung.” I said. If MinJun being here made Junho shut up, then yes, he was welcome whenever he damn well pleased. “I’ll see you and Taec tomorrow~” I bowed and closed the door after him, still smiling as I slowly turned to where Junho was still standing, quiet.

   I could definitely get used to that.

   “Oh Channie,” Junho mumbled softly and then looked at me with adoring smiley eyes. “I like him a lot~” He said before storming off to the living room, all cheeky smiles and bright eyes.

   So I wasn’t just crazy . . . MinJun was a hell of a man. I bit my lip and sighed, looking back at the place where the older man was standing not even a minute ago. “Yeah . . . I like him too.” I murmured to myself before pushing those thoughts away. I wasn’t allowed to have those thoughts. Those thoughts were poison.