"You may tire of me,
as our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be"
Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie

“Don’t take him for granted . . .”

   The words echoed in my mind for the following days to come.

   I sat staring at the wall in thought because sleep was an over abundant commodity as of late, seeing that I had been in bed since they brought me home. The doctors told me to rest, and with two bull headed giants sandwiching me down every night, I was feeling utterly stuck, like my body was glued to the mattress under me. My mind was left only to wander to those places with those memories I had always tried desperately to keep myself from.

   But lately, the memories were not filled with the same kind of ache that had always scared me away with. They were not the same blurred images, like staring at raindrops out a grey hue window scene. Nor were they the darkened thoughts that swallowed me like the night swallows the sunset, the thoughts of my love and how I had gotten where I currently was.

   Something had changed, of course it did.

   Taecyeon didn’t look at me the same – not that he was ever unloving, just . . . different. Behind his eyes always lingered a vulnerable tension that he thought he was hiding well from me. But I knew he was scared. So was I.

   And so was the knock that touched lightly against the bedroom door as whoever was behind it failed to wait for a proper answer before turning the knob and letting the wood creak open at painfully slow speed. “Hyung?” Chansung said softly, always so softly, now that I was fragile and breakable. “Are you awake? I made lunch . . .”

   Though I wanted to be angry at him – at them – for keeping me so grounded, though the thought that my husband and our other both refused to leave me alone in the house was infuriating, degrading and utterly embarrassing, my smile at the sight of the wide eyed boy with messed hair was all but forced. “Lunch sounds good.” I lied, just for the sake of avoiding another argument about my diet.

   He mirrored my smile and instantly calmed my rustled mind. “I’ll be right back.” He said and then left me alone again, off to fetch whatever meal it was that I would try my hardest to eat.

   It wasn’t long before a bowl of soup was placed on a lap table and I was stirring around the steaming hot vegetables that floated around my spoon. It smelled good, but my desire to eat was nowhere to be found and Chansung realized it instantly, sighing at me. “You still can’t eat?”

   I shook my head, not looking to see the disappointment on his face. “I wanted to . . .” The bowl was snatched from my lap and I watched Chansung set it on the night table.

   “We can try again later.” He closed the subject without any room for discussion, which I was eternally grateful for, yet it had me questioning nonetheless, especially when the boy standing before me bit his lip and looked at the carpet. “Well then . . . Can I give you your Christmas gift now?” He glanced at me with a sheepish smile that turned into a full blown grin as my brow furrowed and I rolled my eyes.

   “You know you didn’t have to get my anything . . .”

   “Why do people say that?” Chansung scrunched his face up and held a wrapped present that I hadn’t noticed he brought with him, it was wrapped in some hideous silver paper than I supposed some people would have considered ‘cute’ but kind of looked like it would be better fit for a child. Honestly, it truly did remind me of the soft spoken young man who was now handing me said present with an eager smile that beamed when I accepted it.

   “If you want, you can think of it as an early birthday present too!” He added as I took the time and carefully peeled the paper away from the thin object.

   Once all paper and tape was removed, I looked at the book in my hand, running my finger across its leather spine out of habit before flipping through to reveal its empty pages. A smile ghosted on my lips as I examined the thick paper and held it to my nose, smelling that familiar scent that I had always loved.

   “Do you like it?” I looked up when he asked shyly, and immediately nodded.

   “It’s perfect.” It really was.

   Relief washed over Chansung’s face and he visibly relaxed. “You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to.

   “I’m going to.” I assured him, I already knew exactly what I would use the chocolate brown leather journal for, and it was outstandingly perfect in every way. “Thank you so much, Chan-ah. I really do love it.”

   “You’re welcome.” He stood up and gathered the used wrapping paper. “I’m just glad to see you smile again. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

   “Chansung-ah~” I called out to him just before he could leave again, but my throat seemed to gum up as I looked down at the gift and my eyelids fluttered closed for a moment. “I need you to help me with something . . . Can you take off work this weekend?”

Of course, Taecyeon had argued with me about this, and even though Chansung had expressed that he was a little more than concerned, he still supported me every step I took as we boarded and settled comfortably in our seats on the train that would be leaving Seoul in approximately fifteen minutes. Nichkhun had been ecstatic when I called to tell him about my plans. Even Jo Kwon stopped by the house to tell me that he missed me, and also forced out a confession that I shared his feelings after nagging me to near death for an hour.

   But with all of that, nothing had prepared me for the thumping in my chest as I fidgeted nervously under the blanket that Chansung wrapped around me as my head leaned against the cold window of the train. “You look tired, you should try and rest until we get there.”

   “I’m not tired,” I tried to deny the obvious fact as I tugged my hat down over my chilled ears. “It’s just a side effect of the meds, s’all.” I whined and instantly, Chansung smiled.

   “So your accent always comes out when you’re sleepy?”

   I scoffed and looked away from him. “Shut up, you little punk.” I grumbled as I closed my eyes, thankful for the distraction.

   Once the train started moving, I relaxed a bit more, listening to the sound of the train moving on the tracks and opening my eyes every now and then. After a while, I couldn’t keep my eyes closed anymore and the boy next to me cleared his throat, catching my gaze and biting his lip before asking quietly. “How long has it been?”

   It didn’t take long for the question to register, not that I had any desire to actually answer, but I didn’t have a reason not to either, and so with a heavy heart, I let my tongue moisten my bottom lip before speaking up. “A little over five years.”

   “What happened?” It seemed like a simple question, but there was no simple answer, or so I wanted to feel. In all honesty, I had no justifiable reason other than bad memories. For the first time in what felt like forever, I thought about the events that played out just before my departure, the things that shaped so much of my life and how I had gotten to be in the seat that I was now sitting in, on that train, headed back to the city where I once resided.

   “My dad died.” I finally said. “And I guess I just missed him too much to always be reminded . . . I have a tendency to run away from things.”

   In truth, I knew I would run away from everything, eventually.

   Because fear is so easy to overrule esteem, causing us to make decisions that we wouldn’t have, had we actually felt that we could succeed. My fear of disapproval was really a fear of rejection, which was truly a fear of being alone. So I had done everything I could to run away before anyone else could run from me, and yet here I was, feeling so incredibly . . . impeccably . . . disastrously . . . alone.

   The silence settled in slowly, and just as I thought about closing my eyes and pretending to sleep again, Chansung’s hand found mine and our fingers intertwined comfortably. “You don’t have to run away from things anymore, you’ve got Taecyeon hyung.”

   I couldn’t help squeezing that warm hand. “And you.”

   “Always.”

   My head leaned back against the seat as I tried not to laugh at our cheesy lines, though I could feel the moisture at the corners of my eyes. Always sounded so good, and though I knew it was too good to be true, I just didn’t want to ruin the moment, so I appreciated that soft lie; it was all that I had.

My shaky breath fogged before me as I knocked on the door I was standing in front of and clutched my coat tighter as if that would keep me at least a bit warm, though it wasn’t long before the door opened up and I found myself staring into a face that looked back at me with an expression that mirrored my own. Not much had changed about the face of the person with the soft brown eyes that were the exact same shade as my own. Hardly anything, if at all, actually. So unlike myself, I imagined, though for the moment, I pushed that thought back and uttered softly the name I hadn’t said out loud in so long. “Junhyun~”

   I smiled as my baby brother wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me in a tight embrace. “It’s really you, hyung!” Junhyun murmured with his chin against my shoulder as he forced me to hold him.

   Isn’t it weird, how you don’t realize that you’ve missed certain – simple – things that had somehow fallen out of your life, until they’re brought back to you in one instantaneous moment? Without even thinking about it, my cheek nuzzled the bed of hair that was clinging to me and I leaned into the hug and just stood there, holding him exactly like I used to, all while wondering . . .

   Why had I been so afraid of this?

   “You should come inside.” My brother asked once he had his fill of hugging me, and I didn’t miss how his eyes glanced at Chansung, who had stood silently behind me the entire time. “How long are you back for?”

   “I’m not exactly sure, actually.” I followed him in the house I grew up in, took note at some of the furniture had been replaced, though a lot of things were the same. Pictures on the wall hung like empty reminders, and there were several that I had purposefully blurred my eyes as to not see them right.

   “Mom’s gonna be so excited when she gets home from work!”

   “Does she often work this late?”

   Junhyun’s expression changed instantly, and he nodded in such a way that made my already regretful heart cringe. “On the weekends . . . The restaurant gets busy since business people have time off work, so she works double shifts for the extra money.”

   “How are your grades?” I asked, not sure if it was because it was expected or if it was honest curiosity.

   “I made fourth place in my class.” I watched my kid brother boast proudly with a cheeky smile that reminded me of someone, someone who I had almost forgotten was so close.

   I suddenly felt the toll of the trip wearing me down and before I could even sit down, Chansung was at my side, helping me lower my tired body to the couch. “Chansung, this is my brother, Junhyun . . .” I finally said, motioning for them to introduce themselves as I attempted to rub the tiredness from my face. “He’s your age.”

   “It’s nice to meet you.” Chansung bowed and Junhyun returned it, looking back and forth between the two of us for a moment before asking shyly.

   “Hyung,” I looked at him and he seemed to get nervous. “H-He’s not the one you left with, right?”

   I smiled, all too amused with their typical idea that non-heteroual relationships were all physical and nothing more. “No he’s not, but I’m still with Taec.”

   Junhyun nodded, though his eyes didn’t hold much understanding, only awkwardness. “Well,” He finally said, after there was nothing left to nod about. “Are you hungry? I was gonna fix dinner before mom gets home . . . I can make those noodles you like.”

   “That sounds nice, Hyun-ah.”

   With a not, he left us to sit quietly and before long, I was resting my head on Chansung’s shoulder, almost nodding off to sleep as he played with my fingers. I would always appreciate his ability to know exactly when to say nothing at all. Because sometimes, the only comfort I craved was a warm hand squeezing my own and a soft thumb tracing the back of my palm until we both fell asleep.

   I don’t know how long I had been asleep by the time the sound of the front door opening woke me. At first, I blinked at the person who walked through the door, looking dead tired before she stopped dead in her tracks. I stood up, unable to stop myself from taking those few steps towards her while doing nothing to hide the tears that gathered around my eyes. “Eomma . . . I missed  you.”