"You said this is where it begins
But you lips hang heavy underneath me
And I promised myself, I wouldn't let you complete me"
Is There Somewhere by Halsey

~I just can’t even pretend anymore~ I closed my eyes as I listened to the sullen voice sigh over the other end of the phone. I pinched the bridge of my nose as the silence between us went on for quite a bit longer than I had planned.

   Honestly, I had forgotten why I even called him in the first place, chalking it up to mere habit. “I didn’t ask you to pretend anything, I just . . . it’s been a long day.” I said as I laid back against the mattress and stared at the things that cluttered the bedroom that had apparently belonged to MinJun.

   The man himself was still in the kitchen talking to his mother about all the minor details of their lives that they had missed out on over the last five years, and so I had taken it upon myself to settle our bags in his room and make a few phone calls while letting the realness of everything set in, which led me to where I currently was – laying on an old mattress as Junho murmured to me in rather disapproving tone.

   ~Nice to know I’m still first on your list of end-of-day stress relievers~ As much as he tried to sound upset, I could tell he was just giving me a hard time. It would take some time, getting adjusted to the distance between us now, that space that hadn’t quite been filled prior to meeting MinJun was now the official wall between me and the first ever love of my life; the thought alone was absurd only some months ago, that I could actually not be in love with Lee Junho, the sunshine of my sky. In all honesty, I wasn’t quite sure who I loved anymore, and that put my mind at an unyielding– ~I repeat, earth to Chan-! Are you there?~ Junho snapped me out of my fixation so abruptly that I dropped the phone on my chest, quickly recovering it and bringing the cellular device to my ear again.

   “I’m sorry.” Was all I was able to mutter out.

   ~Jeez, I can hear your mind reeling . . . talk to me about it?~ My eyes widened and I hadn’t even said anything before the snarky tone was back on the other end of the line. ~And don’t you dare act like this is amazing or something! This is what best friends do, right? So just talk to me . . . it’s not healthy to keep everything bottled up~

   “Do you remember junior year?” I asked, obviously taking him by surprise, gauging from the brief silence that was replaced with a soft scoff.

   ~Vividly~

   My jaw tensed out of habit as I asked next. “You know that day we told your parents . . . about us?”

   ~Yeah, I remember. Unfortunately~ I could hear the weariness in his voice now, the uneasy hesitation to venture further into this conversation that showed itself in a ruse of impatience. ~Where exactly are you going with this?~

   “Being here, in this house with MinJun’s family . . . It all just feels the same as it did back then.” I confessed, eyes closed as I focused on my words and how to settle the waves crashing inside me. “The thing is, he didn’t get to forgive his dad . . . he didn’t get acceptance.”

   ~That’s a ty situation to be in. I’m sorry . . . for both of you~ I wasn’t expecting empathy, yet alone remorse from him, but it made me smile nonetheless, and for that, I was thankful.

   Sighing, I rolled onto my side and fiddled with a loose string on the thick blanket that covered the bed. “And I can’t help him, Junnie . . . With you, we had that connection, so it was easy comforting you – I can’t do that with MinJun, he’s so . . . guarded. But I don’t want him to hurt.”

   ~Have you ever thought that maybe his suffering is something he has to do on his own? He’s going through way more than you and Taec are giving him credit for, it’s not just about leaving behind loved ones . . . It’s his life that’s being shortened drastically, and it’s his closure that he has to come to in order to him to feel like he has completed the things that he wants. He can only do it in whichever way that he can, so stop being such a crybaby because yeah, it might hurt, but you’re still alive~ That’s the Junho I fell in love with. ~. . . Are you still there?~

   “Thank you.”

   ~For what?~ Junho scoffed, raising his voice just a tad. ~Were you even listening to anything I just said?!~

   “Thank you for forcing your reason onto me.” I cut him off with a smirk.

   He was quiet for a quick second before he sighed. ~After my dad punched me that day . . . Do you know what I loved most about you?~ He didn’t wait for an answer, he knew I was too befuddled to come up with one. ~Just the fact that you were with me . . . You stayed with me, and just that alone, having you by my side . . . It meant everything to me~

   At a complete loss for words, I felt the sincerity in his voice and my throat tightened. “Junho . . .”

   ~You have to let people figure out their own feelings, the only thing you can do is be there for them, and you’re really good at that. So stop worrying so much~

   “Who the hell are you, and what have you done to Junho?”

   His boisterous laughter sang in chorus with my own soft chuckle. ~I got him gagged and tied in the trunk of my car, which reminds me . . . I gotta run~

   “Got a hot date?” I mused curiously, for no apparent reason that I wanted to admit to.

   ~Oh yeah, he’s tall, cat eyed and has huge ears, a real looker! He said I should come over while his husband’s out of town~

   “ you so bad.” More laughter only this time, much louder. “It’s not even that funny . . . Talk to you later, brat~”

   ~Night Channie . . . I’ll send pics~

   I stared up at the ceiling as the call ended and things suddenly started sinking in at an overwhelming pace and had left me to wonder, lying across this bed that had once belonged to my current cause of mind boggling stupidity.

   If love was a scale, there were two sides weighing in my mind and forcing me out of that synchronized harmony that I constantly searched for in life. On one end, there was Taecyeon, whose very name had my heart racing and my skin crawling from the tingling anticipation of when I would get to see him again. There would be no more denying it, I loved him, whether it was immoral or stupid, I loved everything about the man and I couldn’t bring myself to regret it at all. And on the other side of the scale, was MinJun. The man had left such an imprint in my heart that it warmed me to think of him. Had I been forced to pick the most truly interesting and amazing person on the planet, it would be him, in all of his unrelenting glory. What I felt for MinJun was not something I would feel again in my lifetime; it was fleeting, dangerous and very much like a first kiss.

   The knock on the door had me sitting straight up right before the very man himself peeked inside the room, a small smile graced his velvet lips that only teased at the corners of his glistening eyes as he leaned his back against the door closed door. “She’s asleep now . . .” He whispered, referring to his mother.

   My fingers played meaninglessly through my hair, my thoughts lingering too long on whether or not to ask. “Did you tell her?”

   He understood, like I knew he would, and nodded right away. I watched his forced expression breaking down, at first it was slow, as if he was trying his hardest to keep himself grounded before suddenly, it crumbled all at once and he let his head bow down in one single and quiet sob. That was all that he allowed me to see, and it was all that I needed to cross the distance between us in a few short steps.

   MinJun said nothing to stop me from holding his face in my hands as I pressed my lips to his, looming over him like I could smother the flames that angrily at his heart with my body. As nervous as I felt, as we kissed, I knew that we needed this, this calming settling between us as I drank in the taste of his lips and felt his arms snake around my body. Panting, our foreheads touched as I placed soft kiss after kiss to his lips while my fingers ran gently along the side of his waist.

   “I’m so jealous.” He mused quite apathetically while caressing my jaw. “Of Taec.” He amended after seeing my eyes widen, that mysterious smile back on his lips just ready to taunt me so mercilessly. “I know you’re gonna take care of him, because you’re such a good person . . . and I envy him for that. Isn’t that sad?”

   My chest tightened at the words that were falling from my lips without thought. “Hyung, I’m in lo–”

   His soft finger on my lips silenced my confession, ardent eyes gleaming up at me with both admiration and sadness. “Don’t say it . . . It’s not supposed to be me.”

   “Since when have we ever done what we’re supposed to?”

   I smirked at the softness of his smile, feeling rather accomplished at causing such an expression. Leaning down, I kissed him again, deciding that if he wouldn’t hear it, at least he would feel what I wasn’t allowed to say. He fell into my life unexpectedly and unreasonably, and yet I couldn’t bear to say no his presence. Our tryst was a dangerous one, one that would no doubt break many hearts over and over but I loved him anyway, and by now, I was sure that I was too deep in the water to resurface. My only question;

   Since when had drowning been so fulfilling?

The car I slid into was such a warm contrast to the freezing wet parking lot of the grocery store I had been standing in. Immediately upon settling in, I pulled my gloves off and held my fingers up to the heater to dry them. It was March, and with the decaying of every last trace of winter, I felt the memories of the season wash away like the rain soaked the ground and turned everything a dull grey that somehow felt like a form of relief.

   “Why didn’t you wait inside?” Taecyeon murmured just loud enough for me to take the question seriously.

   “It wasn’t that long, I’m fine.” I brushed it off, looking at him and finding myself looking away before I let my thoughts wander to the dangerous places they’d taken the habit of venturing to lately. “Thank you for picking me up. You didn’t have to.”

   He stared at the road ahead of him with that usual stone face of his. “You’d rather take the bus in this weather?”

   I sighed at the conclusion he so reasonably jumped to. “No.”

   Looking over at him, I was surprised to see the slight smile on his lips, it held a fleeting type of beautiful that enticed sparks of electricity on my skin when he reached over with one hand and squeezed my numb fingers in his warm palm. “Didn’t think so.”

   Until now, I hadn’t quite realized how much I missed his smile. Little moments like this had grown so scarcely scattered apart over the last couple months, since MinJun’s incident and our return from Busan. It made me wonder if I had just gotten used to seeing him every day, and that thought frightened me to my bones so that I visibly shook and Taecyeon let go of my hand, sparing a curious glance from the road to me.

   “I’m sorry,” I tried not to lie. I tried. “I’m just a little cold.”

   With a nod, Taecyeon simply adjusted the heater and continued his focus on driving. While I rested my eyes, listening to the rain drumming heavily outside, he suddenly said. “You don’t have to do this anymore. You’re under no obligation . . . MinJun won’t tell you this, because he still thinks you love me, but you don’t have to do this.”

   My eyes burned with the tears that threatened to overflow, listening to him. How could he always be so rational? It almost hurt.

   The car stopped and he cut the engine, but before his hand reached the door handle I stopped him. “That’s not it . . .” Taecyeon looked at me questioningly and I rephrased myself. “I mean . . . I do still love you. I’m very much in love with you, that hasn’t gone away.”

   Such simple words, yet they gave him the confidence to lean across the car and kiss me. His lips felt like fire, me into his warmth and consuming me entirely as my heart thumped painfully against my ribs. Our noses brushed as he whispered in a shockingly painful tone. “I never thought I could love anyone else, but I guess MinJun is right . . . I’ve somehow come to need you.” Taecyeon sat back in his seat and looked out the car window. “I just don’t know how to love two people at once, yet.”

   This time, I didn’t stop him when he got out of the car.

   I followed him inside the restaurant where the third member of our tryst awaited us, sitting at a table alone while scribbling away into a familiar leather notebook. When he noticed us, MinJun, always so keen on energy, eyed us for a moment before his catlike smile spread on his face and he gave us both hugs.

   “How was work today?” He asked neither one of us in particular and was interrupted by the chime of his cell ringing. “Ah, excuse me – I gotta take this.” MinJun answered his phone and I let my fingers crawl across the table to find Taecyeon’s as they tampered patiently on the table.

   He looked at me and just as I opened my mouth, the sound of a chair sliding back forced both of our attention to MinJun, who was now standing with tears in his eyes. “Jun . . . ?” Taec asked but the elder man just shook his head.

   “We have to go . . .

   It’s Nichkhun.”