"Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette...
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget
And my eyes are damp from the words you left
Ringing in my head...when you broke my chest..."

Youth by Daughter

“Are you still going over there every other night?” Junho whined in that same annoying sigh of a tone that he used on me when he was trying to convince me not to do something that he felt I shouldn’t be doing. I didn’t look at him, but not because I didn’t want to see him, I just knew that I couldn’t.

   “Mhmm.” I hummed as I finished packing the rest of the clothes that I had laid out on my bed, the ones that I had decided to leave over the house – my other house. I added my gym clothes and something to change into for work and then zipped up the bag hastily with every intension on getting out of the apartment as soon as I could.

   But Junho’s body was blocking my bedroom door and I couldn’t help looking up from the carpet that hadn’t been cleaned in too long, meeting his determined eyes. There was something there and we both knew it, something that wasn’t supposed to be there, that shouldn’t have been. I sighed and looked away. “I’ll see you later.”

   “So you’re not even coming home anymore?” He murmured and crossed his arms as he let me through and I could feel his glare on me as I stepped out of the room. “Awesome.” It was typical of him to do this to me, to use sarcasm to display his disapproval and guilt me into things.

   It was typical, so why did I always fall for it.

   I stopped at the door, looking back at him and trying to smile the best I could. “Junho, I’ll be back in a few days.” I tried to come up with ways to cheer him up, saying the first thing that popped into my mind. “Don’t you have a boyfriend to spend the holiday with?” The look on his face didn’t improve, if anything, it only deepened into a more serious frown and I panicked a little.

   “He spends Chuseok with his family . . .” I could tell by the crack in Junho’s usually deep voice that he was trying not to let me know how much it bothered him to be alone. Maybe if he wasn’t so prideful, things would have turned out different . . .

   “. . . which you would already know had you actually been here for the last month!” Or maybe not.

   I rolled my eyes and then chewed on my lip, thinking. “Hey,” I said and he perked up, his eyebrows raised as he awaited my next words. “Come over tomorrow night for holiday dinner. I’ll text you the address.” My hand tightened on the doorknob and I twisted it until it opened.

   “I’d rather eat !” Junho yelled just as the door closed and, for a moment, I stood there, debating on what the hell I’d just done.



MinJun stood next to me, cutting watermelon into star shapes because apparently it was fun. His quiet humming was the only thing keeping my mind from the things I worked so hard at not remembering; at least not all the time. It was some tune I’d never heard before, a part of me wondered if it was one of his own compositions, but I didn’t ask. Instead I just listened while I ladled soup into a serving bowl and garnished the top with chives.

   “People are here~” Taec called from the living room and both MinJun and I looked up at each other, exchanging a smile before I nodded him in the direction of the door and began taking the dishes to the table with serve ware.  

   There were several voices I didn’t recognize in the front hallway as I put the last of the side dishes out on the table and set chopsticks for every place setting.

   “Come in here and meet Chansung!” MinJun announced and I spun around to be greeted by the man himself, standing between two people with a huge smile on his face. “Channie, these are my co-workers, Jo Kwon and Seulong.”

   I bowed and smiled at the two who were complete contrasts of each other. One was soft spoken yet lively looking and, well . . .  short, while the other was laid back, deep voiced and even taller than I. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

   The shorter one, Jo Kwon, smiled brightly. “Look at that handsome face . . . and he’s so polite too–Ongie, say hi~” He nudged the tall man standing next to him and the other looked me up and down before extending a large hand towards me.

   “Nice to meet you.” Seulong said as I shook his hand and I only smiled, nodding in return and looking around for MinJun, only to find that he had disappeared somewhere.

   “Why don’t you guys have a seat?” I motioned to the set table and glanced at the clock, any minute now. “Would you like refreshments?”

   Seulong just nodded and Jo Kwon cheered happily. “Whatever you have that’s alcohol free is fine with us~” I didn’t miss the slight roll of Seulong’s eyes as I my heel and escaped to the kitchen to get the drinks ready. An excuse to be freed from the awkwardness of being alone in a room with a couple of strangers.

   Taecyeon stood at the kitchen counter, already getting a tray of glasses and the pitcher of punch ready. “What time’s your friend gonna be here?” He asked without looking up as he sliced a lemon into thin slices and dropped them in the pitcher of reddish punch.

   “He should be here now.” I ran a hand through my hair and sighed, checking the clock once more. “Junho’s always late, though, so we shouldn’t wait up for him.”

   “We’ll wait.” He finally looked up at me and I couldn’t even argue with the kind smile that made him have the slightest dimples. “Will you get MinJun, though? He’s in our room.”

   With a soft nod I was on my way down the dimly lit hallway to the bedroom that the three of us shared. A suddenly eerie feeling washed over me when I laid eyes on the half open door, my steps becoming slower and slower as I tried to place the feeling that had my pulse quickening. I reached out and pushed the door open fully to expose an empty bedroom with nothing out of place except a shipping box sitting on the bed, like it had just been opened.

   The mail didn’t even run on Chuseok.

   I frowned and looked inside the box and my eyes widened at the amount of prescription drugs sitting peacefully in their bottles, but what stuck out the most to me was the name printed on every one of them, in bold letters.

   Kim MinJun.

   I looked at each bottle and it was the same. Kim MinJun. With directions for each one; take one capsule thirty minutes before meals, take two capsules every twenty-four hours, take one capsule at night before bed. I don’t know if it was more curiosity or concern that made me look deeper into the box until I found a brochure with an older looking couple on the cover. The man was sitting in a hospital bed and the woman was at his side, holding his hand and looking so encouragingly at him.

   But before I could read anything, a sound came from the bathroom attached to the bedroom.

   I found MinJun on the floor with his face hovering over the toilet bowl, looking absolutely awful as he dry heaved into the porcelain bowl so bad that he didn’t even notice me until he flushed and leaned back against the wall. His eyes immediately widened and he tried to stand up but I raced over and pushed him back down into a sitting position.

   “Are you okay?” I asked, already expecting the bull answer that he sure as hell gave me.

   “I’m perfectly fine, Chansung-ah.” MinJun pat my arm and then smiled, though his eyes gleamed with fear and sadness. “I’ll be done in a minute, so you can go sit with the rest of them.”

   “Please don’t lie, hyung.” I said and he looked at me like he was going to argue or plead with me, he stared at me for a long while before he suddenly looked away, at which point I took advantage of his momentary surrender and dropped the brochure down in his lap. “What the hell is this, hyung?”

   I could see the redness of tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, but they were gone the moment he closed his eyes and shook his head, going back to that mask that he put on when we had first met. “It’s nothing, really.”

   “And the pills?”

   He looked up at me like I had just caught him committing some horrible crime. A horrible heinous crime, and if it wasn’t for my reeling mind that was slowly putting each puzzle piece together by itself, I would have felt bad for putting him on the spot like that.

   MinJun parted his lips but closed them immediately after, repeating the action and then looking away to mumble. “Chansung-ah . . .”

   “Just tell me.” I urged as I crouched down to lean down to his level, looking him right in the eyes because I needed to; I needed to see those passionate orbs as I received an answer that I was sure I didn’t want to hear. “Tell me the truth, hyung . . . are you an addict?”

   The look on his face went from frightened, to confused, to annoyance and I had to admit, I wasn’t expecting the firm shake of his head. “Aish, of course I’m not!” MinJun’s accent slipped out as he called me some kind of ‘babo’ and brought his fingers to his temples, rubbing the pressure from his skull. I frowned more, trying to understand what was going on and when he looked up at me, he rolled his eyes and then smiled sadly. “I’m not addicted to prescription medication, you stupid . . . those are to keep me alive . . . healthy, I mean.” He looked at his lap, twiddling his thumbs. “At least . . . healthy-ish.”

   “What?” I managed to whisper.

  “I’ve got–” There was a pause in his voice, like a silent debate with himself, and his eyes were riddled with questions and words that he wanted to say but seemed to be warring with himself over. When he finally spoke again, there was almost no strength left in his voice. “I’m sick, Channie.”

   Instinctively, I reached for his hand and pulled it close to me, suddenly feeling bad for being suspicious about him before. “The medicine will make you better, though, right?”

   No reply.

   “Right?” I tried again but, like before, was only answered by a look in his eyes that said ‘you don’t want to know’.

   “I’ve got cancer.”

   Like glass shattering, I felt the break of my heart for a second time in my life, as another part of my world crumbled into tiny painful pieces that pricked at my heart from every angle, cutting and constricting me all in one. Despite the illusion of physical pain in my chest, I reached forward and grabbed MinJun by the shoulders, pulling him against me in a tight embrace


The doorbell rang and while everyone looked up from the dinner table and welcomed the new guest, my eyes stayed on one face; MinJun’s. All I could think about was the conversation that had happened mere ten minutes ago.

   Taec didn’t know.

   And according to MinJun, Taec mustn’t know, which I found to be absolute bull but who was I to deny a dying man, on his knees begging me with tears in his eyes? Who was I to dictate these two people who had been together when things were happy and lively, and stayed together when things were not so great? Who was I to come into their life and play this role that MinJun had decided was just perfect for me? Who the was I to replace him?

   And why me?

   MinJun gave me a look when he noticed me staring and I almost didn’t even care that my best friend had walked in the door, being just as loud and just as obnoxious as ever until Junho finally plopped himself into my lap and glared at me.

   “Yah, Hwang Chansung, you jerk!” Junho hit my shoulder and put on his pouting act, only in front of people. “You didn’t even say hi to me.”

   Already, I regretted inviting Junho to this dinner party.

   I smiled. “Hi, Junho . . . you found the place without trouble?”

   The slightly older male was already sliding off my lap and reaching for a cocktail glass. “Of course, I’m not an idiot– MinJun hyungie~” Junho cheered to the other as he sat down in the seat next to me. “It’s good to see you again!”

   It was amazing how life doesn’t stop, even when we want to hit the brakes and just jump out the car. It keeps going. And like that, the dinner party kept going, without even the slightest hint of what was going through both my mind, and MinJun’s as we stole glances at each other throughout the entire night. Every time he looked away, I found myself growing guiltier when I realized that, like everything else, Taecyeon hadn’t missed a single thing. I felt his eyes on me as I stared at my half empty plate and tried to get back into the conversation. Apparently the discussion was now talking about our ‘first loves’ and how they failed miserably.

   Junho laughed beside me at something Seulong said and then laid his hand on my back. “I remember me and Channie’s first time . . . now that was a lot to take in!”

   I put a hand over my face to ignore the various responses around the table, all from utter shock to a quiet snicker. Could this night get worse? Probably.