"You are ahead by a century...
And disappointing you is getting me down"

Ahead By A Century by The Tragically Hip

I was never the oblivious type, missing key details wasn’t a common occurrence with me. Like way Chansung had been deathly quiet ever since he came back to the dinner party, with a nervous MinJun tailing behind him. A nervous MinJun who over compensated by being unusually loud, putting himself so deep into the conversation it was impossible to steal a glance with him. I didn’t miss the way Chansung stared at him with a clenched jaw, nor the way Junho glared at the lack of attention, attention that Chansung was far too busy showing to my husband.

   Something was up.

   Seulong mentioned something about his first time being the ‘most interesting experience he’s had yet’, to which Jo Kwon’s cheeks went several shades darker and Junho spoke up rather obnoxiously. “I remember me and Channie’s first time,” Junho smirked a devlish smirk, placing a hand on Chansung’s thigh in a way that I really, truly, without a doubt, didn’t like. “Now that was a lot to take in.”

   MinJun nearly spat the wine he was sipping on, and it took a short moment for the words to register in my mind before my lips parted . . . but nothing came out.

   “How long have you and Chansung been dating?” Jo Kwon wondered curiously after his awkward giggling subsided.

   “We’re not dating.” Chansung said curtly, looking to Junho, his eyes holding a fire that looked as if it would burn even himself.

   “But we did date for about six years,” Junho accepted his challenge of a stare down and the tension around only rose higher as they both refused to look away. “Though we’ve known each other since kindergarten.”

   Chansung. Sweet, kind hearted, foolish Chansung, gave in first and I felt my stomach drop at the deflated look of utter sadness on his face as he nodded and stared at his lap, giving a forced smile to absolutely nothing. “Yeah,” He said as he looked back at the table as if nothing had happened, smiling brightly again. “But that’s a long closed chapter of our friendship, right Junho?”

   The fake laughter between them was atrocious, and it soured my stomach to just watch them.

   Suddenly, MinJun stood from the table and clapped his hands together once, obviously trying to get everyone’s attention off of the dark turn the party had taken. “Do you two wanna help me prepare the dessert dishes?” He asked Jo Kwon and his partner and the two happily agreed.

   Chansung flashed him an apologetic glance while the three went to the kitchen, but MinJun just smiled and nodded once, leaving the room to feel quite empty and uncomfortable. Too uncomfortable. I stood up as well, clearing my throat and smiling politely. “I should change the music in the living room.”

   I gave the best excuse I could and then took my own leave, making it just around the corner before I stopped and – to my own personal shame – waited. Like I figured, I didn’t wait long.

   “You’re such a brat.” I heard Chansung exhale from the other side of the wall. “You just couldn’t let me have one ounce of happiness, could you?”

   “If you were just going to be disappointed in me, then why’d you invite me here in the first place? You always do this to me! How the did you think I’d feel to be here, huh?” Junho snapped back at him. “It probably never crossed your mind, did it?”

   “What’s that supposed to mean?”

   I pressed my body against the wall and listened in silence, my brow furrowing in concentration and anticipation but nothing happened. After a while of silence between them, I heard a sigh and then Chansung mumbled. “You were the one that just randomly broke up with me and expected things to be normal.”

   “I didn’t expect things to be normal.” Junho retaliated and I could hear the frustration in his voice, leaking out like some kind of toxic waste. “I knew they’d be different, I knew they’d be awkward at first but forgive me for believing that our friendship was more important than that. Forgive me for thinking that it meant just as much to you as it did to me, because that’s what you promised me for all those years.”

   “Nuneo. . .” Chansung’s voice was a broken whisper that was harshly cut off.

   “Don’t . . . call me that– Just don’t . . . I’m just gonna go.” I pushed myself off the wall at the sound of a chair sliding back, tip toeing into the living room and flicking through some CD’s casually. I made sure my back was turned by the time Junho rushed past the living room and grabbed his coat off the rack, followed by Chansung.

   “You don’t have to go, Junho.” Chansung said and I cringed a little. Yes, yes this venomous boy who obviously hurt him did indeed need to go. Why couldn’t he see that?

   “But I should.”

   I snuck a glance at them and then looked away before they could notice me, trying to go back to being invisible. I honestly hated the way Chansung looked at Junho. It was like he was something too precious to let go of, an old favorite toy that Chansung never could throw away because of the memories. “Are you going to Jinwoon’s?”

   Junho snorted, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he was crying. “I broke up with that last week . . . He was cheating on me – wait, no – he was cheating on his fiancé with me.”

   “Would you feel better if I came over for lunch?” I turned around and saw them standing in a tight embrace, Chansung’s head rested on top of Junho’s. It seemed like something that was meant to be, like they just had been with each other so long that they grew around each other, fitting perfectly together. The thought unnerved me beyond belief.

   Junho pulled away, nodding and wiping his eyes and then froze when he noticed me looking at them. His stare was instantly cold. Not in a hateful way, but broken, like shattered ice that was slowly melting on the floor. He looked away and then smiled at Chansung, nodding again. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Channie.” Was all he said, but there were many more words in his eyes. Words that, if said, would only hurt the foolish boy next to him even more.

   The door closed and I looked at the defeated looking pabo standing in the hallway, wanting nothing more than to hold him in my arms and tell him that he didn’t need that person. I took a step closer to where Chansung stood with his back facing me, but before I was even within an arm’s reach, he sighed. “I already know hyung.”

   Chansung looked at me with tears in his eyes and smiled. “You don’t have to say it.” He sniffed and looked back at the door with longing and regret. “I just don’t know how to stop.”

   That was the first time I’d seen him cry.

   It was because of that, that I didn’t say it.

   By the time the dinner party was winding down, the tension had long passed and been replaced with friendly jokes and laughter shared between us. MinJun saw Seulong and Jo Kwon off, waving and thanking them for coming over, just like the perfect host that he always was. I smiled lightly, watching him for a moment before hearing the bathroom door open up and seeing our other stepping out in a fresh set of pajamas as he snuck into our bedroom, foolishly thinking that he hadn’t been seen.

   Of course, I followed.

   He didn’t look up at me as I pushed the half closed bedroom door open, or as I went to the dresser and pulled out a pair of sweat pants and a tshirt for myself. But he did, however, look at me when I started taking my clothes off, ignoring the fact that he was in the room entirely. I tossed my old shirt aside and met his big, wandering eyes with my own.

   Though he was hurting again, he still smiled, albeit half weakly, but it was still a smile.

   “It’s okay, you can stare if you want.” I said, cheekily trying to defuse the bomb of self destructing emotions that was sure to detonate within him eventually. Chansung’s soft laughter filled my ears and my shoulders relaxed when I saw that soft pink blush on his cheeks. “Actually . . .” I pulled on my shirt and took a seat next to him on the bed, so close that our shoulders brushed but still too far to really feel his warmth. “I came to keep you company.”

   “Thanks.” He said with another one of those fake smiles I hated so much. “I’m alright though.”

   “I never said that you weren’t.” I retorted and he just blinked for a moment.

   “This is true . . .” He nodded and when he looked at me, we burst into a carefree laugh.

   The silence that followed was dull; filled with angst. I debated on whether or not to bring up the topic, but I was genuinely concerned. “So, you and Junho, huh?” Or maybe I was just desperately trying to hold on to the slim possibility that he would lie to me and say it wasn’t so. Denial was crushed to oblivion when he nodded, though. “He’s . . . very passionate.”

   “No kidding.” Chansung ran his fingers through his thick locks of hair and then shook his head at the thought of the other.

   “What did you see in him, though?”

   I could hear the rain outside, like it was drumming to an off time beat against the window. He looked up at me, with those perfectly round eyes that always held emotions far beyond his years. There was that familiar gleam again. The look in his eyes that he only ever had when, I could tell, things were hurting him.

   As he shrugged, he gave a halfhearted smile and stated simply, as if there was no truer truth that could be spoken. “He would hold my hand,” The younger said to me. “. . . Every night, as we slept . . . And that feeling– being held by him, and just knowing that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. . . it was the best feeling I’ve ever had.”

   And that’s when I understood the importance of seizing the day, before all that’s left are our memories.