"And when the sun comes, try not to hate the light..
Someday, we'll try to walk up right..."

Damn These Vampires by The Mountain Goats

To me, there was nothing more humiliating than being pitied. There was nothing I feared for more since I learned about my illness. To be pitied was to be slapped in the face, told I wasn’t enough, that I was weaker and inferior. I hated it. I hated the thought of it. I hated the thought that, now that he knew, Chansung would pity me.

   I slept on the couch that night; played it off as exhaustion, after cleaning up the kitchen from the mess after dinner.

   The days that followed, I spent in hiding. I used the excuse of ‘working late on an album deadline’, just for an opportunity to not have to face the curious eyes of the one person I didn’t really want to see because I truly . . . honestly . . . didn’t want his pity.

   If I gave in to the pity, I would give up on myself.

   So I visited Nichkhun.

   The hospital was busy, for a week night, nurses walking around, making their runs. Doctors looking over paperwork and speaking to patients that looked more like lost sheep than people. Sheeple.  I let out a humorless laugh under my breath and tucked my cold hands into my pockets as I waited at the front desk after the receptionist told me that she would go ‘find Khunie’ for me.

   It wasn’t long before the person I was looking for came around the corner, this time wearing pale yellow scrubs with smiley-faced suns printed on them. Fitting. I thought to myself before my eyes landed on the person that was walking beside, smiling just as brightly as the walking sunshine next to him.

    The fellow nurse was holding a shoulder bag and wearing a jacket, clearly off-duty, and while the two were engaged into an obviously rather entertaining conversation, I couldn’t help but study his face; Soft cheeks that looked fatter whenever he smiled, but still a rather slender face, prominent Adam’s apple, thin lips and small, carefree eyes. His hair dark hair sat in curly wisps on his head, tinted with a deep red at the ends that would normally look rather ridiculous, but on him, it just seemed to fit.

   “MinJun!” Nichkhun aimed his smile at me and gave me a hug when he was close enough. “You should have called, we just had dinner.” He motioned to the other nurse next to him and I shook my head.

   “I’m not hungry, thanks.” I just said mindlessly.

   “I’ll see you tomorrow.” The young nurse whose name I didn’t know said, smiling at me and bowing as he spoke softly, so full of joy it was almost sickening. “Take care now~”

   “Be safe walking home . . .” Nichkhun said to him, his tone was oddly protective. He usually cared but this, the way he looked at the other with serious eyes filled with care and all of the kindness he possessed into a single smirk on the corner of his lips, it was something else. “Starting tomorrow, I’m driving you until your car gets fixed, got it?”

   “Sure thing, Buck~” The other said as he walked down the hall towards the elevators.

   I stared at the way Nichkhun stared after him the entire way, a smile playing on my lips until I finally removed my fingers from their little warm pockets and poked the other in the side. “Who was that?” I was suddenly grinning, curiosity burning in me even more when Nichkhun just shook his head and stared down at his feet with red ears and cheeks.

   “He’s one of my co-workers at the clinic.”

   My silly smirk was even wider now, and I was sure I looked like a crazy man. “Uh-huh . . . yeah . . . and?”

   Khun waved me off when I tried to step closer and then murmured. “Shut up,” He laughed, and I couldn’t help but feel his warm spirit calming my soul. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

   “I think you like him~” Yes, I reverted to a childish taunt in the form of a song.

   This time, Khun actually pushed me more, but I could tell he was fighting off a smile. “And I think you need to shut up and tell me why you’re here.”

   I thought about it for a moment, shaking my head after coming up with no results. “I don’t really know . . . but I’m glad I came.”



They told me that since my condition was so severe, I would have to go to a specialist for my additional treatments. They told me that they got me the best practitioner in Seoul, when it came to leukemia, but that wasn’t necessarily a comforting thing. Despite my nerves and discomfort, I pushed the doors to the clinic open and stepped inside, fifteen minutes early for my appointment. Nichkhun assured me that I would feel comfortable here, and he was right. It was like stepping into a Zen garden, everything about the place was relaxing, from the colors on the walls to the sound of a mini water fountain off in the corner.

   Two people sat at the counter, a young girl who looked like she should have been in high school, rather than working at a clinic, and the boy I had seen with Khun the day before. He was smiling again, I thought that maybe he just smiled like that all the time.

   “Good morning, Mr. Kim!” The girl said while bubbly boy looked at a clipboard that was in front of him, writing down a few things.

   “Okay, MinJun . . . You’re a little bit early, but that’s alright, I think the Doc should be ready to see you shortly.” He looked up and motioned towards the sitting area. “You can have a seat, and we have complimentary coffee if you’d like.”

   I read the name on his tag that was clipped to his yellow rubber duck patterned scrubs, giving him the best smile I could muster up. “Thank you, Mr. Jang.”

   His chubby cheeks squished his eyes a bit more when his smile widened. “Oh you can just call me Wooyoung~” The cheerful nurse got up and bowed. “I’ll be right back.” He left and I felt the first traces of the anxiety creeping up on me, sitting in that empty office.

   I wondered what it was I thought I would find here, a cure? An answer? Neither would help me, and I was quite sure that neither existed. They told me that this place would help, but I just paced around, running a hand through my hair while trying to figure out how anyone planned on helping imminent death. “How would Nichkhun answer?” I let out in a sigh, not expecting an answer.

   “Well that all depends on the question.” The deep voice startled me from behind and I nearly jumped out of my skin, looking back at the man wearing black slacks, a thin silver tie and a plain white dress shirt underneath a long white doctor’s coat. I tried to figure out who he reminded me of, the striking resemblance only making itself more known when he gave me that same, familiar smile that looked like sunshine.

   I bowed. “Nice to meet you, Doctor . . . ?”

   “Nichan,” The doctor said and then returned the bow. “You must be MinJun.”

   “How come everyone knows me and I’ve never even been here?” I mumbled and tucked my hands into my pockets, gaining a laugh from the tall doctor.

   “Because Nichkhun’s a big old blabbermouth an–” He was cut off by the man himself.

   “You shouldn’t talk about people behind their backs.” Nichkhun scolded the doctor, walking from the back of the clinic and leaning against the front desk. The doctor just snickered while Nichkhun looked me up and down with a stone face, before suddenly smiling. “I see you’ve met my big brother, he’ll be your specialist from now on, and I’ll make sure he takes care of you.”

   “As if I wouldn’t have done that without you.” Dr. Nichan mumbled and I watched the two go at it, it was so obvious they were siblings. They had that thing, that special energy between them.

   “Don’t you have a patient to check on?” Nichkhun eyed him and the other just sighed, bowing to me.

   “Your face has patients to check on.” Nichan blurted out immediately, sighing at the slight way Nichkhun narrowed his eyes. “Fine . . . I’ll be back~” He put his thumb up in a rather cheesy manner and then left us alone.

   I looked at Nichkhun when I heard him sigh loudly. “Forgive him,” He rubbed his temples and then let his arms fall to his sides, smiling a tired smile at me. “He’s a great doctor, but the second he steps out the office, he’s . . . twelve.” He thought about it for a moment before he shook his head again. “At most.” I nodded when Nichkhun amended.

   “It’s okay.”

   “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

   My eyebrows rose at the question, but I nodded, thinking about my little brother for the first time in ages. “Yeah . . . a little brother.”

   “So that’s why you’re so protective.” Nichkhun nodded as if he knew all about me with just that single piece of information. It would have annoyed me, had I actually given a about much of anything lately.

   “Actually, I haven’t spoken to him in a few years.”

   His eyebrows pulled into a deep frown, his heavy hand lying on my shoulder as he shook his head at me, yet again. “You’re gonna want to change that, I promise you.”

   I knew he was right.



I pushed the door to the house open, turning on the lights as I slipped my shoes off. The place was empty, which was good. Very good. Dragging my feet all the way, I walked to the bedroom and looked around, just to make sure, before digging under the bed for that box that I hated so much. I found the bottle of pills I was looking for and pushed down on the cap, twisting and . . .

   “Hyung!” Chansung’s voice startled me to death and I looked up at him in horror, trying to hide my medication like an idiot.

   “Y-Yah . . . I didn’t know you were here.” I tried, I honestly did, but I couldn’t be upset with him. I just couldn’t and I wouldn’t do it, especially when he was looking at me so tenderly.

   “I came home after work.” He said as he came to sit on the edge of the bed and I froze a little. Home. I knew that with Chansung, words were rarely used loosely. “So what did you do today, hyung?”

   A part of me debated on lying, saying some crappy excuse like ‘I spent all day working’ or ‘I went out with Jo Kwon after work today’, but the other part of me knew better, I guess. “I went to a cancer specialist.”

   His face instantly fell and I just looked away so I didn’t have to see the hurt look in his eyes. “If you ever need to talk about it, I’m here.” Chansung said to me as if that would help.

   “Talk about what?” I raised an eyebrow, far from amused.

   “How . . . how you feel.” His wide eyes that usually looked out of place actually seemed to suit him, his expression was that of a child’s, innocent but understanding, accepting. I envied his innocence more than anything.

   “I feel lost,” I told him with more of a cold tone that I intended. I watched his eyes glisten and swell with every added word, but that didn’t stop me from speaking, from finally letting something out. “Like I’m shipwrecked and I’m the only survivor . . . and I’m just sitting here, waiting . . . that someday someone will come by and see me–even though I know that no one will come . . . I’m doomed . . . but I’m still waiting . . . That’s how I feel.” Chansung’s shoulders slumped, making his tall frame seem quite small and breakable, and the way he wiped at his eyes didn’t help either.

   “Hyung,” He said after a moment and then finally looked at me. I felt a small bit of guilt at seeing his reddened eyes. “You don’t have to die all alone.”

   Like a bell, ringing and echoing inside the cavern of my mind, his words took their time sinking into me. Consuming me. Eating all of the hostility and resentment I could have ever had for him, and turning it into remorse for all the things left undone in my life, all the smiles left un-smiled and all future joys that I would never get to see.

   “I can’t die with the one that I love, Chansung . . . I can’t be the person in his heart that will always be there, standing strong for him . . . I can’t keep my promises to him. Because of that, I’d rather die alone.”