"And yet I find, and yet I find, repeating in my head
If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead"
Nutshell by Alice In Chains

 

He lied to me, about his sickness, about all those days he was working late, about everything.

   Though it really wasn’t the lie that I absolutely hated, it was the fact that he lied to me about that specific thing. That was the part I couldn’t accept, the part that burned worse than the liquor running down my throat as I slammed the empty cup down on the table. A simple look at rationality told me that I was taking it harshly because I was scared, perhaps yes, but wasn’t that expected of me? I wanted to believe that some part of me wasn’t as furious as I really thought that I was, that I would go back to that hospital room and look down at the man lying in that bed and not feel disappointment and betrayal.

   And for that, I knew I would need a couple more drinks.

   The hand that stopped me as I grabbed the soju bottle was just as firm as it was gentle, and I knew exactly who it belonged to, though I looked up at him anyway. “I really don’t want to talk to you right now.” I took the easy way out, or at least I tried to, yanking the bottle away and filling my glass. “So just go away.” I said to him as I picked up the glass and raised it to my lips.

   But he had a different idea, yanking the glass from me and drinking it before I could protest. “It’s so pathetic to sit in a tent bar and drink yourself away while your husband waits in his hospital bed, scared less and all alone, don’t you think?” The kid standing before me looked furious but also so vulnerable; so young.

   “You’re making me seem like the bad guy here.”

   “That’s because right now you’re acting like one.” Chansung said as he sat down in front of me and pulled the bottle of soju away, looking me directly in the eyes. “Hyung . . . in case it’s not completely apparent, the only thing MinJun needs you, and I know you need him too.” It wasn’t jealousy that painted Chansung’s face as he spoke, those words brought a sense of emptiness to the younger’s eyes, and for a moment, I almost felt regret for making him ever look in such a heart breaking way.

   I gripped my hair and closed my eyes at the suddenly dizzying feeling that rushed over me. “Don’t!” I yelled but calmed down at the sudden attention of several eyes in the small space. “Don’t do that to me, don’t guilt me into thinking things and don’t try and play games with me, I’m sick of it . . . I’m sick of being a part of you guys’ plan. I have my own thoughts and my own wishes and for once I just wish the people I cared and would respect that!” When Chansung’s eyes widened I huffed, annoyed. “You thought I didn’t know, right? That I wouldn’t notice you were in on it . . . You really are naïve.”

   As I stood up, I avoided looking at the shocked kid still sitting down because I was a coward. Because I knew that his expression would still pain me and I was too angry to accept being pained by him.

   “I didn’t fake anything . . .” His soft voice clutched my soul and grounded me to where I stood. “I didn’t fake it . . . Every smile – everything – it was all real, at least for me.”

   My jaw clenched as I bit back my words, already seeing the damage I’ve caused just in the frown that adorned Chansung’s face. I knew he was sincere, he always was and always would be but still, I looked away as I tugged on my gloves. “We’ll see about that.” I said as I walked out, leaving him behind me.

   I couldn’t just forget this ever happened.

   No matter how much I wished that I could.

It was dark outside by the time I had made it back to the hospital, flecks of snow that I ignored completely falling lightly to the ground. What I didn’t expect was for MinJun to be awake when I opened the door to the room he was being held in, but there he was, sitting up in his hospital bed with the only light in the room coming from the small lamp on the end table next to him and from the glow of the television that he wasn’t watching.

   He looked at me with an emptiness in his eyes that scared me beyond end, but as I swallowed that fear and took a few steps to his bed, he smiled. “I was wondering where you were.” He said as he leaned up, shifting his body weight with shaky arms.

   It was painful to look at. Seeing him this pale, suddenly thin looking and breakable, but there was beauty still, hiding in the lines in his face and showing itself in the subtle glances he sent towards me. I played my fingers through his messy locks and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry,” My voice came out weaker than I’d anticipated. “I’m here now.”

   Those glistening eyes were back on me, ready to drown me. “Is it silly that I was afraid you wouldn’t come back?”

   Even I was surprised by my chuckle. “That’s pretty damn silly and I don’t know whether to be touched or angry at you for it.” I said as I looked at him for some time, before leaning in and kissing his forehead for no reason other than I just wanted him to know that I didn’t hate him. “You should know me by now, Jun . . . and I guess,” For a while, I couldn’t say it, because I didn’t want it to be true but it was there and the more I thought about it the more I realized that I needed to get this off my chest. “It just hurts to realize that even after I’ve given my all to you, you still don’t trust me.”

   It was those words that broke him, crumbled his barriers and released the flood gates from his expressive eyes as he reached for me like he was begging me to understand, begging me to stay and love him. “I-I do trust you Taec, I–” I leaned closer and let his tired arms slip around my waist when he choked on a sob. “I don’t t-trust . . . myself . . . not to h-hurt you.”

   My heart fluttered before I hugged him tighter and pulled his chin up so that he was forced to look at me, into my eyes, as I spoke slowly. “Listen to me well,” Our foreheads pressed together and the warmth of his made it easier for me to talk. “I don’t ever want you to hurt alone. I want to take your pain from you – as much of it as I can – and I want to trade places with you, so that I could be in this bed right now . . . but I can’t do that so just lean on me, use me to cry against, let me be the one to see you at your worst . . . let me hold you now.”

   Our lips pressed together, so desperate and so tender. I could feel his fingers clenching to my sweater as I tightened my hold on him comfortably with no intention of letting him go any time soon. However, the door opened and the clearing of someone’s throat made me curse under my breath, looking over at the nurse that was standing with a clipboard on her hand and a slight blush on her cheeks. “Visiting hours are over.”

   Of course, the one moment where everything felt like it was okay would be crushed so quickly because life, after all, feels no remorse.

“You’re back?” Chansung’s cracked voice greeted me home as we both stood in the doorway while I removed my shoes. “How is he doing?” Gentle fingers clutched my jacket and helped me pull the garment from my shoulders, and when I looked back, Chansung was staring at me with those same large eyes, patiently awaiting an answer that I just didn’t have enough strength to refuse.

   “They said if everything goes well, they’ll be able to release him tomorrow.” The relief washed over his face and his visibly relaxed, though the fear lingered in his eyes when they met mine once more. His subtle nod left an awkward silence between us for several moments before I managed to murmur out the first thought that came to mind. “I thought you’d be at your apartment by now.”

   Instantly, those eyes saddened and I regretted my choice of words for the millionth time that day. “No one should be alone at a time like this . . . even though Hyung’s alone . . .” As much as I hated the idea of the secrets he was capable of keeping from me, I hated even more the tears that gathered at the corners of his eyes and the way his jaw seemed to trembled behind the silent sob he tried to hide from me with his hand covering his face.

   My whole body felt as if I was being dragged down by the weight of those words and the realization of their actual meaning.

   When I wrapped my arms around him, I let myself soak in the feeling of his body melting into mine, even as he looked at me through alarmed eyes and parted his lips, red from being chewed on with worry.

   “Hyung, I–”

   “Don’t.” I couldn’t take it anymore. “Please don’t.” This day had taken its toll on everyone and I couldn’t bear to make it through another thick throated conversation that would leave me with burning eyes and another headache. “I feel like I’ve been on the verge of giving up all day and I can’t take anymore so please, just . . . don’t cry. I can’t watch you cry too, okay?”

   Though I hadn’t expected it, I knew I shouldn’t have wished for it, the comfort that I gladly received in the form of a soft kiss from the man in my arms. I shouldn’t have felt better after the second, or third chaste kiss as Chansung wrapped himself around me completely. I shouldn’t have relaxed a little when I carried him to bed and we laid together, in a mess of limbs, under the blankets in such a way that our lips didn’t have to part. We were connected – I was connected to his pulse and the way his fingers combed gently through my hair. The storm in my mind settled like sand in water when he climbed in my lap and smothered me with his loveless affection, and though again, I knew I shouldn’t have craved it so much; an end to the aching rattling behind my ribcage.

   I did all of those things, even though I knew I shouldn’t have.

   My hand smoothed down Chansung’s back as I checked my watch a while later, after many more kisses and bouts of silence. “Finally.” I said, earning the gaze of two tired eyes.

   “What?” He pouted when I mimicked his frown.

   Tightening my arms around Chansung’s body gently, I murmured under my breath as my head fell back and I stared up at the ceiling. As if I was looking at my entire life and nothing in particular all at once. “It seems like all of my worst memories happen on my birthday, so now . . . I just feel this strange sense of relief every time I make it through one.”

   His face was as much of an open book as it ever was, his eyes expressive and remorseful, beautiful. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked and I would have laughed if I had the strength.

   “Don’t look at me like that.” I said, trying not to notice how unreasonably cute and surprisingly y Chansung looked when he was upset. At last, he blushed, and I felt more chilled the further we stepped away from the topic of my pathetic excuse of a past so that I could focus on something else entirely, like how warm my leg was resting comfortably between his thighs. “I mean it,” I could hear his breath hitch ever so slightly when my fingers squeezed his side desperately. “It’s not fair when you look at me that way.”

   My eyes traced the curvature of his lips to where they crinkled up at one side in a twisted smirk that made his eyes seem to shine unnaturally bright. “Why do you say that?” Chansung’s fingers played in my hair while his breath kissed my face sweetly.

   I couldn’t tell you why I was suddenly deciding to become so honest . . .

   “Because it makes me feel like you aren’t, in fact, what you actually . . .” But the words fell from my lips before I could think them through. “. . . what you are.”

   The change in his eyes was immediate, uncomfortable, like the way he let go of me and I felt the warmth I relished fade. Closing my eyes, I once again found myself cursing bitterly at my severe case of foot-in-mouth disease and I was sure that if there was a way I could make an out of myself today, I would surely achieve it.

   Before I could apologize, Chansung looked at me, only briefly, before staring back at the empty ceiling above us. “Years from now–” He started, but I could tell the words were sticking in his throat as he swallowed thickly. “W-Whatever happens, I’m not – . . . I’ll never be a replacement.”

   And with that, Chansung reached to the lamp on the night table and cut the light off, surrounding us in a darkness that kept me awake for several hours.