"I'm all by myself, As I've always felt
And I'll betray my tears . . .
To anyone caught in our ruse of fools"
Soma by Smashing Pumpkins

It was just after two in the morning when the call came. My body was sandwiched between my two loves as MinJun’s phone went off, I blinked sleepily and watched the slender man answer and immediately, we all knew. Taecyeon had told me, once they returned from getting MinJun’s treatment, about Nichkhun’s worsening condition. So, in a way, we were waiting for this ‒ This storm that came with the inconsolable cries when MinJun wept for such a great loss, and for his sorrowful heart.

   MinJun’s pain was overshadowing everything.

   There was nothing I could do but watch, as my lover broke apart in his husband’s arms, clutching at his chest as if it were actually helping with the pain.

   Taecyeon murmured soft whispers to MinJun but they did nothing to the tidal wave he was up against.

   My fists clenched in anger, at myself for being powerless to help, at life for being bitter and fleeting. I felt fear because in the back of my mind, I wondered if the time would soon come where Taecyeon and I had to suffer such an agonizing pain. How would I cope if it were MinJun, would it even be possible?

   Neither of us slept again through the entire night.

   With the rise of the sun came the chirping of birds and all things normal on any average early-spring day. But this day wasn’t average at all. The sunshine that peeked in through the windows of the kitchen was dulled by the tired atmosphere in our recently loving home. As MinJun sat at the kitchen table, now silent from the last four hours spent sobbing, Taecyeon was making a pot of coffee.

   I looked between the two of them from where I stood, leaned against the entrance to the kitchen. Taecyeon had tied his hair back in a small knot and put on pajama pants while MinJun wore nothing but a thin bathrobe. The energy between us was devastating, but I did nothing to remedy it.

   There were no words I could think of to comfort MinJun, and the moment I’d tried to speak the last time, Taecyeon stopped me with a soft shake of his head and a painful plea in his eyes.

   It would appear that this silent suffering was something that MinJun simply needed to do.

   Still, that didn’t make it any easier to watch.

“You have to eat, hyung.” I said to the mound of blankets on the couch, knowing that the body underneath them heard me since he seemed to shrink back into the pillows of the sofa in hiding. “It’s been two days and I haven’t even seen you drink a glass of water.” I tried to be persuasive, but my attempts fell on seemingly lifeless ears. “You’re never going to get better like this.”

   That sparked something, something like rage in the person who was now pulling the blankets away from his face and glaring at me. The rage was tainted with pain, though. And I could see that no matter how callously MinJun tried to look, he just seemed to be in agony. “If I don’t want to eat, then I won’t eat . . . If I want to starve myself and make this process as quick as possible, then it’s my choice, isn’t it?”

   That did it for me.

   I reached down and yanked the covers away, feeling him resist but it was weak in comparison to the strength I had to overpower him. Now that he was exposed, I crouched down and looked him right in the eyes. “You’re not dying on me so stop with all of this pointless talk about your life as if it’s something so meaningless.”

   MinJun’s eyes were wet. “I’m so tired.”

   “That’s why you need to eat something,” I hugged him back when I felt his arms reach for me. “And actually sleep.” I added, reaching into my pocket and pulling out the bottle of sleeping pills. MinJun looked pitifully at the medication in my hand and I sighed. “If you take them now, you can nibble at your food until you fall asleep . . . Please, hyung.”

   By now I had given up on pride with this man, if begging would be the only way I could get him to take care of himself, then I was ready to do some serious begging. Luckily, it didn’t take much more than a disappointed pout and MinJun was reaching for the pills in a huff.

   He plopped two of them in his mouth and I immediately passed him a glass of water.

   “You’re probably getting real tired of dealing with me.” The old fool murmured after a time, his voice was stronger now, refreshed by the cool water.

   I shook my head and took the nearly empty glass away, replacing it with the plate of snacks I’d made for him. “Not even close.”

   It was good to see that soft smile again, even if it was tiny and broken. “The last time I felt like this. . .” MinJun trailed off, as if deciding that he suddenly didn’t want to say whatever it was on his mind. “I can’t stop thinking about him. The way he looked when I saw him, he was so frail pallid, like there was nothing left of him . . . I’m gonna look like that.”

   My jaw clenched stiffly, and before I said a word, I sat down next to the older man and pulled the plate of food into my lap. MinJun instantly leaned against me, clutching my shirt sleeve and nestling his face against my shoulder. “You don’t know what’s gonna happen.”

   I wasn’t in denial, I would’ve sworn up and down had I been asked. As much as I wanted it to be something as simple as that. It was something much more than denial, and MinJin knew immediately. “Why do you always have to imagine the best possible outcome?”

   The question made my brow furrow as I took my time with answering. “Junho used to tell me that he wasn’t happy.” I finally said aloud after so long of pretending. “He’d joke about missing the friendship we had before we were lovers, or he’d nag about someone else’s annoying boyfriend that just so happened to do everything I did . . . He told me, over and over, when he was upset or when wanted something different . . . And I saw in you, that first time at the market, the same breaking desperation that he always had; like a wish, that you wouldn’t say out loud because you’re afraid it won’t come true. You both want to be loved entirely, and you both don’t see that you already are.”

   MinJun’s eyes glazed over in thought, his sorrowful look softening to an emotional kind of stare. “Doesn’t that make me an ?”

   “Sometimes you are,” I said honestly. “Sometimes we’re all s . . . No one’s perfect, but that doesn’t make us wrong either, we’re just experiencing the same life but in different lives.” I tried to explain the frustration in my mind, the things that weighed on me from the time I was a child. “You’re wasting precious time trying to hold onto the past while dreaming of the future . . . But you’re the one that showed me I could be happier living in the present.”

   He didn’t say anything after that, but he didn’t cry either, MinJun just ate quietly at small pieces of vegetables and some bread until the medication set in and he fell asleep while we watched TV.

I was washing dishes when I heard Taecyeon walk through the front door, returning from the errands he left the house a few hours ago to do. I didn’t look back when he placed the paper grocery bags on the table, or when he was suddenly holding my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder.

   Warm lips pressed under my ear and I squirmed at the ticklish feeling that spread down my neck. “Y-Yah!” I tried not to sound like I was whining. “What are you doing?”

   Taec smirked, letting me go and then leaning against the counter next to the sink. “Just wanted to make you smile.”

   My cheeks turned a dark red and with a soft sigh, Taecyeon pushed himself away from the counter and started unbagging the groceries he’d brought home.

   “Dork.” I said mostly to myself while I finished scrubbing a pot.

   “How’s it been today?”

   I looked behind me when he suddenly asked, our eyes met for a brief moment as he put a pack of rice cakes in the freezer. “Quiet . . . I finally got him to eat something, but he still just needs to rest. You do too, hyung.”

   “And what about you?”

   I wasn’t entirely prepared to answer, and Taecyeon knew it. He liked to pose the questions he knew you weren’t expecting, so he could do what he was doing now, which was avoiding my initial question by diverting the subject.

   My eyes narrowed at him and I wiped my hands off on a dry dish towel. “We’re not talking about me right now.”

   “I’m just saying,” He said quietly, looking away from me once my gaze obviously became too serious for his taste. “You’re always bouncing back and forth between him and I, trying to make us happy and doing stuff for us . . . It’s gotta be stressful for you. It’s not like you don’t have your own life, too.”

   I frowned. “You know, I feel like you’re keeping me at a distance when you say things like that . . . And I know it’s because of habit, you’re so used to MinJun being your entire universe‒”

   “Both of you are my universe.” He cut me off, quite shockingly. My heart fluttered at the serious look in his eyes as he stepped closer to me, the sun hit his eyes in just the right angle to make them shimmer like amber or brown topaz. “Don’t misunderstand my on personal insecurities for lack of affection towards you; I do want you around me, and I do love every moment I get with you. That’s why I need you to take care of yourself, too . . .”

   It was the first time he’d even hinted at loving me, and it made me blush more than it probably should have but that was normal with Taecyeon. And he was proud of it. I could tell just in the way his smile spread the longer I stayed quiet.

   “I missed seeing your smile.” Taec reached for me when I spoke and I happily leaned into his embrace. “Everything’s been crazy, and I’m so afraid it’s all going to slip away. I keep thinking that one day . . . I’m afraid we’re going to lose him and I . . . I-I can’t accept that.”

   Taecyeon hugged me to his chest and I cried into his shirt, gasping for breath as my chest convulsed from my silent sobbing. He held me tight, like he was trying to keep me from ever leaving him and I felt the same desperate wishfulness radiating from him as it did when he held onto his husband. I knew that Taec was shaken by all of this but he was pretending to be unaffected, he was doing the best he could to lessen the burden on everyone else.

   Why couldn’t I be like him?

   “Look at me,” I followed Taec’s gentle command without question. “You shouldn’t be this beautiful when you cry.” He said and then brought our lips together. There was something about his touch, he felt unreachable even as I clung to him, he felt like a dream of something I yearned for.

   He was mine and I was his . . . and both of us were MinJun’s.