Zelo’s P.O.V.

     All the hours of the days were passing way too slow, leaving me unaccompanied and utterly alone. The confrontation with both Bang Yong Guk and the relationship between Daehyun and Himchan –his best friend and my best friend- had left my brain panicking and my heart running away desperately. In addition, JongUp had been way too polite considering that we were practically still strangers to each other. It wasn’t even random days of the summer vacation – it was the last couple of days. Sure it had felt like that for a while, but after the weekend, school would start and so would the boredom and torture.

     If I could, I would rather spend the time with… oh what the hell. Yes, I would rather spend the time with Bang Yong Guk. Yes, I would rather sniff around in his apartment – not to mention sniffing in the scent of his sheets. And yes, I would rather lie around in his arms - the most precious thing I could be doing right now. Feel his hand lightly touching mine, or even better: to feel his hand tilting my head slightly just so he could press his soft lips against mine. That little moment he granted me access, letting me taste him…

     “What is this, JunHong, huh? Why can’t you just focus on Daehyun and how happy he is?” I stared blankly into the framed walls, looking around in my room.

     “Do you love him?” The voice in my appeared out of nowhere, always sticking its nose in my business and my… feelings and thoughts – as if that comes as a surprise when the voice really came from myself; a contrast, something that was a sparring partner when Daehyun (or his voice) wasn’t around, something that could convince me into doing something that I would later see as the right to do, because the voice had told me to do so.

     “I don’t know… I don’t-“ I pulled up my knees, rolling into a little ball with my hands on each side of the head, pushing them inwards in frustration, causing my hair to get matted and my fingers entangled in it. “I DON’T KNOW!” My voice echoed in the room and flied around in between the little stones of the glass lamp in the ceiling. I let my hands slide down the sides of my head, touching the wet skin on my cheeks. The salty water ran down my cheeks like the rain does on the windows; uncontrollably fast in little steams. My chest hurt from trying to keep all of the emotions inside me as I didn’t want to face them, but at this moment I had no control over my body.

      My heart was pounding wildly, causing me to hive for fresh air, slightly hyperventilating. I felt like a little ten-year-old boy who had just lost to the older brother in the battle of sitting by the computer; childish in a way that didn’t make sense, childishly crying over something extremely stupid. My arms wrapped themselves tightly around my knees, barely even letting my blood pass through the little veins, my fingers holding onto the fabric of my trousers, later on moving around my stomach to hold in the sudden pain that had released itself in my body against my will.

     “You cannot avoid it, JunHong.” The tone was strict and firm. “It will be there until you get things solved.”

     “Why don’t YOU do something about then, huh?” I sniffed pathetically into the empty room, my eyes blood-shot from all the crying. “DO SOMETHING!” I yelled, pleaded, but my voice cracked. And instead of sounding angry, I sounded like that little boy who had now hit puberty – as if things weren’t bad enough. My voice turned into a sobbing, hoarse whisper, “please…”

     “- until you get things solved,” the words repeated educationally in my head. Trying to calm myself by breathing in deeply and then slowly out, I decided to go to his apartment. To get things solved? That must be the only way to do it!

     The way to his place seemed longer than ever; the escape out of the family estate was piece of cake compared to what was ahead of me. It seemed as if it was a journey back in time as I passed the club where we had met, and where he had knocked me down. The park in which I had met him again, and where I had met the love of Daehyun (somewhat) properly. Finally arriving to the bushes from where Himchan had busted me and dragged me into Yong Guk’s apartment – the first time I had slept there. And there. Right in front of me. The building that now seemed so huge and unapproachable, yet so inviting; its windows looking like eyes following me; the front door talking to me, inviting me in.

     I ran up the stairs, stumbled a couple of times until I stood in front of the door at last. The door which I had seen so many times before. My eyes burned and my throat was dry as I called his name followed by endless knocking on the door. Not a sound was to be heard. No voices complaining. No one opening the door – not even a girl. Not even one of his curved blonde girls, and not a beautiful, brunette. No one. I fell to my knees, ready to give up on everything and everyone… Except for Bang Yong Guk.

     “Ya! Get on your feet! He is not home, he is… he is…”

      “He is what?” I hissed back at the voice. “Tell me, what is he?”

     “He is out performing! He will be back here some other day, so just go back home and try another day, yeah?” The voice had a good point… Or I had a good point. I mean. He could be performing tonight, right? … Or he could be at one of the clubs, looking for another young lady to bring home as he always did; the sweet smell of perfume in his sheets mixing in with the lovely scent of him… Even though I didn’t believe in what had been said, I obeyed the voice as I would always do. Today is just not my day. Today, I will be strolling around the streets knowing that every night has its dawn and that a new chance will come.

With only two days until the school started, I was still sitting alone in my room. I still hadn’t seen neither JongUp nor Bang Yong Guk or Daehyun. My mother hadn’t been that much around either… Not that she ever was, actually.

     I got up and walked over to the writing table, all modern-looking with its square and sharp shapes, the black shiny surface as a contrast to the perfectly white walls. I a hand across the surface and grimaced, biting my lower lip slightly. This is not what I want… I started moving around some of the fancyware, switching their places, moving them a little more to the right, to the left, moving them to the bed table. The frustration controlled me, making my body move manically. This is not what I want… THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT! I took the items and threw them across the empty air in the room, tilted my chair backwards until it hit the floor, took hold of the vase that my mother had gotten from some rich bastard who probably just wanted her as entertainment anyway.

     I watched the things break into little pieces and felt my face turn red, my body once again hiving for air, and my hands shaking unstoppably. What had become of me? Why was I acting like this? My mother suddenly barged in, running to me with a worried look on her face – something that was quite a rare occupation.

     “Honey, what is wrong with you?” She spun me around and clasped her hands on my cheeks, trying to get eye contact with me, but I avoided it as I kept staring fixedly into the empty room. Her voice turned dead serious. “What is wrong with you?!” She shook my head so I directed towards her. The seriousness in her look disappeared and it turned worried again; my own eyes looking matte. “Oh dear, what has happened to you, huh?” She forced me into her embrace, making my head rest on her shoulder. The contact between me and her, which was rarely there, made my body release all its feelings, and let the tears pour down my cheeks as I sniffled hysterically to breathe as normal as possible.

     “Mom, I miss him so much!” The words could barely form themselves. They sounded more like sobbing sounds from a baby, but I knew that my mother understood it very well – and she knew exactly who I was talking about, too. Instead of firing off another caring cliché, she waited for me to calm down and just rocked my body slowly from side to side. The hysterical crying stopped after a while, and only little sniffles once in a while remained.

     “Mom, I … I am sorry…” I my hand underneath my nose while my mother took care of the wet tracks on my cheeks.

     “What are you sorry for?” She lifted my chin to make me look into her eyes.

     “I am sorry that I have disappointed you… That I am disappointing you. I know fairly well that what I am doing is wrong, that this was not supposed to be happening. But I-“ I lowered my head so I wouldn’t see her reaction. “I care about him. Very much... I…” I looked her straight in the eyes to convince both her and myself about what I was going to say… was actually the truth. And nothing but the truth. “I like him. More than in a friendly way, mom.”

     She pulled away. “JunHong, you-“

     “- love him. I am in love with someone a lot older than me, and I am still just a child. I know that. But I really do care a lot for him, mom, if you could just try to understand it. Even if it doesn’t make any sense to you. Sure, I might be wrong, but then at least you had given me the chance.”

     She looked at me with loving eyes and… was that a little smile I spied in the corner of ? “JunHong, sweety… You have changed so much. I see that very clear.” She her fingers through my curls and kissed my forehead whereupon she looked at me with caring eyes and slowly walked out of the room. I was taken aback. She didn’t even complain…

The clouds were covering the last sunbeams, turning everything dark and gloomy, the sky included. My mother was long-gone for some business and had left me in the empty property. I was sitting in the windowpane and studied the falling rain. I sighed.

     “The first rain… this means the end of the summer and the start of something new: the autumn and school…” I was rather fond that the two birds weren’t around to make me feel even more miserable, now that I had finally gotten a little control over my feelings. I followed a certain drop that made its way down my window. So… Is this my day? The start of something new? I breathed in and nodded. “It is… It must be…” I nodded again.

     Sneaking out of the estate even though no one was home, I made my way to Bang Yong Guk’s apartment once again. The rain intensified, turning into drumming, hammering drops against me skin. They laughed evilly as they went through the fabric of my clothing without troubles, violently soaking everything that I wore.

     I ran up the stairs and stood in from of his door, but as I raised my hand to knock on the door, I was suddenly overwhelmed again. The tears crept their way out, forming a toad in my throat and tiring my arms, causing me to knock on the door heavily.

     “Hyung…” I could not form a sentence. “Gukkie, I…” What was I trying to say? The sobbing voice of mine attacked my whole body, making me slide down the door, parking myself there and rolling my body into a little ball. Maybe this wasn’t my day either…

Bang Yong Guk’s P.O.V.

It wasn’t like I hated rain or anything. But seeing it slam against the window, filling the apartment with the most horrible, noisy sound, I couldn’t help but get a little annoyed. I used to enjoy staying inside when it was raining, hitting the couch and maybe snooze a little, the water falling from the sky somehow relaxing and tiring. I’d spent days during a storm last year wearing nothing but my pajamas, ordering junk food and watching TV, just toddling around, minding my own business. But, when the rain finally came that year, I didn’t feel like doing any of that. In my miserable and foolish state I felt alone. Broken and lonely.

     Having no intensions of going outside in the pouring rain, I decided to stay inside and work. Preparing myself for the up-coming shows I had ahead of me, I finished off the latest songs, calling some old friend of mine to discuss a meeting regarding the music needed for my words. He was happy to help but didn’t protest either when I paid him, pulling off some kind of excuse about food not getting cheaper as time went by – and a man had to eat after all. True, but as I thought back I hadn’t really been eating much during the last couple of days, my stomach not reminding me whenever it was empty. All appetite gone and vanished I’d somehow carried on the days by doing… nothing really. What a sad, miserable, little life you’ve gotcha there.

     Turning off the light in the living room, I headed for the bedroom, running a hand down my face. “Time for bed…” I mumbled, stumbling inside the dark room. Hitting and crawling unto the bed, I laid facedown on the mattress, breathing in the boring, dull scent of the covers. All trace of him had in time disappeared.

     Lying there for a few hours, trying to fall asleep, I groaned and rolled around. “Shut up…” I hissed, glancing at the window, the rain still violently falling outside. Accepting the fact that apparently nothing could stop the loud, piercing sound – not even a pillow as I’d desperately wrapped it around my entire head – I stared into the ceiling above me, blinking a few times. “I think this might be it… I don’t kno–“

     One, two, three heavy and slow knocks hit my front door, echoing throughout the apartment. I froze, clenching the sheets in my hands as my eyes widened.

     “Hyung…” His distant voice called, my heart skipping a beat. Even though this wasn’t the first time I’d experienced this, I still felt the chills running down my spine, my heart beat picking up great speed.

     I quickly pulled the covers up over my head, mumbling with my eyes squeezed closed as if I was whispering a prayer. Well, it was a prayer dedicated to him. “Please, leave, please, please, I’m begging you, leave, I can’t do this for much longer, please, have mercy on me, please…”

     “Gukkie, I…” he continued, his fragile voice ripping me apart.

     “Please, stop this… Please,” I cried, practically pinning myself to the bed, preventing myself from getting up, rush down the hall, open the door and embrace him – kill his sobbing by holding him tight, begging him for forgiveness. But, biting down on my bottom lip and holding unto the sheets, I endured the sound of his pleading voice and the screaming pain in my chest – just like I’d done it a few nights ago when the exact same thing had happened. Knowing that I’d been able to endure it back then gave me strength, even though I was sure I’d never craved anything that badly before. On the edge of being rather self harming, I was pushing my own limits and needs away, still somewhat convinced that what I did was the right thing to do – but still aware of the increasing craving of my heart, pulling and cutting me into a thousand pieces. I knew I couldn’t last much longer and so I begged for him to leave, just get out before it was too late.

     And to my great relief, I found the sound of his voice vanished after what seemed like forever. Letting go of the breath I was holding, my eyes flew open, blinking against the light fabric covering me. Has he left? Has he gone home? I hope so. I in air while waiting for my heart to calm down again, the black spots before my eyes slowly disappearing one by one.

     “Finally,” I mumbled, pulling the covers off and sitting up. Burying my face in my hands, I sighed heavily, wiping off my wet cheeks. Look what he’s done to you. Crying like a .

     “Shut up…” I muttered, quickly drying my face up with the back of my hand. “Let’s face it…” I told myself, getting out of the bed. “I’m not sleeping tonight.”

     You never sleep. You should, it’s not healthy.

     I snorted, stepping into the bathroom, glancing up at myself in the mirror. “Healthy? When the hell did you start caring about my health?”

     You’re such a moron…

     “Well, excuse me…” I turned to the shower, running a hand through my hair.

     Why don’t you just go outside if you wanna wash up? The voice in my head bashfully commented.

     “Are you crazy?” I pulled my shirt off, throwing it on the floor. “It’s freezing out there.”

     Freezing, you say... Hey, listen up, I’ve been thinking…

     I frowned, suddenly reminded of how crazy I was – the little voice in my head thinking about stuff without me even being aware of it. Or what? Did it somehow make sense?

     You failed phycology, don’t even bother.

     I blinked a few times, making a face. “I don’t remember studying that subject in school?” I mumbled, but then exhaled and shrugged, letting it go.

     Ya, . Are you listening?

     “No,” I pulled off my pants, letting them join my shirt I’d kicked into a corner. “I don’t wanna seem crazier than I already am.”

     Don’t be ridiculous, you’ve been letting me stay ever since he showed up, the voice snorted.

     “So, basically… What you’re saying is that I can expel you whenever I feel like it?”

     Expel? What is that even– Well, no. No, forget that I’ve said that.

     “So what do I have to do? You said you turned up when I met Junhong…”

     Great! Now that I have your mind on him, I will explain what I’ve been thinking about lately…

     The grin that had decorated my face for quite some time now faded as I shook my head, reaching down for my clothes. “You’re too late. I know,” I quickly got my clothes on again, leaving the bathroom to quickly walk down the hallway.

     You know? Well, it’s kinda embarrassing, I–

     I nodded, grabbing the doorknob. “I know. I’m worried too,” I felt my heart swell, the sweat soaking my back. You think he’s still there? It’s raining; he should be home and sleeping... Why would he even show up? He’s gonna catch a cold, he’s gonna be sick, he’s gonna– Opening the door I took a deep breath, settling my nerves as my eyes wandered across… empty space.

     What? What is this…?

     Somehow I felt disappointed, wanting him to be there. Still, I was glad that he’d given up and gone home, fortunately he’d–

     I gasped as I looked down at my feet, experiencing what I was sure was a heart attack. 

Sorry for making this chapter a bit long, keke :3 
I can inform you guys that the next chapter will be up tomorrow already, yaaay!
Other thant that, the foreword to "A Soldier's Home", one of the pre-stories for our "Haru - a christmas calendar"-story, is up now (linked in the description of "Haru..."), and the first chapter will be soon, too, wupwup!
Take care~
,- Donotfear