Getting back from L. Joe's house had been a daze. Chunji couldn't remember anything about the trip. He couldn't really remember much of anything from the weeks that followed. They were all a blur. Chunji felt numb.

He wasn't hungry anymore. He attended class, but he was so out of it, he couldn't remember what he'd studied the moment after a class had finished. He wrote slower, feeling like he couldn't muster the will to try writing any faster. He walked slower, already exhausted just from the effort it took to stand. He watched TV but he never enjoyed it; the shows passing by in a blur. He felt like he never laughed anymore.

About the only thing he took any pleasure from these days was sleeping. Sleep became more than a necessity; it became the heart of Chunji's existence. When he was asleep, everything would just stop. He didn't have to think about anything, he couldn't remember that L. Joe had abandoned him; there was nothing but black. That made him happy.

He'd still see CAP around at university. He'd try to be positive and friendly towards the other boy, but he had a feeling CAP wasn't fooled though he never said anything to him about it. He must've seen the dazed look in his eyes. He must've noticed the hesitations before he answered; his brain feeling as though it had spontaneously disconnected from his mouth. It felt like there were times he genuinely forgot how to speak, how to listen, how to smile.

But he tried. Oh how he tried. He tried so hard to keep his feelings to himself. CAP probably wouldn't understand how he felt anyway. They were just two friends. Besides, he tended to hang out with CAP alone. He probably wouldn't even realise that he and L. Joe had not seen one another in weeks.

L. Joe probably didn't care enough to tell them about what had happened between them. He certainly hadn't bothered to tell Chunji what had gone down between them.

He tried to message L. Joe. He'd send him texts, but he never got any replies. He tried to message him on MSN. He had no idea how many chat boxes he'd opened, but no matter how much he typed, he never received a reply. He didn't even know if L. Joe read anything he sent him. He probably didn't care. He even tried calling him a few times, but L. Joe wouldn't answer.

He wanted to swing by their school, but there were exams. L. Joe had never bothered to tell him what he studied. He tried to wish him luck, but he never knew when L. Joe's exams were. He'd send him a text wishing him good luck everyday, with no replies. The moment, the students had sat their last exams, they would start their holidays. Chunji didn't even know how much longer, L. Joe would be at that school.

He found himself driving past L. Joe's house everyday on his way home, despite the extra time it added on to his journey. His eyes would veer away from the quiet, suburban street, to scan the house. He looked in the front yard, through the windows everything he could spy in the few seconds it took to pass the house, straining to see some hint of life.

As far as he knew, L. Joe might have returned to America after all.

One Tuesday, CAP had invited him out for dinner, to celebrate the end of another semester of university. He hadn't really wanted to go, but he refused to allow himself to hibernate in his apartment for the night either. That was what he was planning on doing for the holidays until the next semester of university began.

He sighed, slowly trudging up the stairs, as he returned to his apartment. Every additional moment he spent walking, was one that he spent with his mind pleasantly blank. Once he got back to his apartment, all he'd think about would be L. Joe. Conversations and pleasant memories would come flying back into his mind, dragging an almost constant stream of tears from his eyes, until it hurt too much to do anything but breathe slowly in and out. Until he could pass out from exhaustion and pain, ending another day.

In a way he was kind of repulsed by his own feelings and his own actions. He hated the way he was acting, and yet he couldn't bring himself to do anything else. He couldn't be happy, no matter how hard he tried; he simply wasn't, and there was nothing he could find that could fill the void in his life that L. Joe had left behind.

He missed his best friend. He missed him so badly. He missed him more than he'd ever missed anyone else in his life. He had a feeling his attraction to the other boy was partly to blame for how he felt these days.

He'd look back on his old concerns about the between the two of them, and he almost wanted to weep. What had seemed so important before, now seemed irrelevant. He had no relationship with L. Joe anymore, so he couldn't feel guilty about it; he couldn't worry that he was taking advantage of a young, impressionable child.

He felt....

He just wanted to have him back. He wanted to hear his oddly worded replies. He wanted to get a second chance at extolling the virtues of History. He wanted to bicker. He wanted to discuss texts. He wanted to see him smile. He wanted to be able to complain about the other boy's body odour. He wanted to be able to kick him and shove him, and so many other things he couldn't even think of them all, without a few painful cries escaping.

He wanted L. Joe to be real again, and not just a memory.

He wanted that pleasant warmth his whole life had been coloured with for so many months now. He wanted to smile and laugh and enjoy himself again. He wanted L. Joe to answer him, no matter what he said to him. He wanted L. Joe to take advantage of him, using him as his own personal taxi service.

He wanted L. Joe.

It didn't have to be as a boyfriend or a lover. It didn't even have to be as a best friend, or even as a friend at all. He could settle for him as an acquaintance. He could survive off of a few glimpses through a crowd. He was so sure he could. He just wanted to see him, to be able to stand nearby; to sit near him. He wanted to be close enough that he could reach out and touch him, even if they didn't exchange another word.

He'd never felt so desperate for anything before.

He was so out of it, so absorbed by his feelings, as he was most of the time these days, that he barely noticed the envelope attached to his front door. Across the front of the envelope, 'Lee Chanhee' was scribbled in fairly neat letters. The handwriting tugged at his heartstrings, even as he tried to tell himself that he couldn't be sure it was L. Joe's. He didn't think that he'd ever seen L. Joe's handwriting before, and yet he felt it calling to him all the same.

There was a light weight in the bottom of the envelope, but Chunji wasn't particularly intrigued by it. All he felt was the way his heart seemed to swell with happiness and hope at the thought this might be correspondence from L. Joe. This was L. Joe reaching out to him. It probably wouldn't contain anything nice within it, and yet he was pretty sure he'd cuddle with it, just to be able to sleep tonight.

The piece of paper fell between his fingers first, and so he took it out. There was more of that neat handwriting, adorning the page and his heart fluttered slightly at the sight. He read over the words again and again, both amazed and unsurprised at what he found contained within. There were no apologies, or attempts to reinstate their friendship, but their was a sweetness to the gesture and the words, that melted his heart all over again.

L. Joe seriously expected him to let go, after this?

There is nothing tragic in a goodbye.

There is nothing about the word itself that brings tears to one's eyes.

It's not the goodbye, or the end of a relationship that brings tears to your eyes, but thoughts of memories we will no longer share.

It's the loss of a future we would both have enjoyed together.

It's the thought that there will be no more memories to be made involving you and I.

You need to let go of that future; stop clinging to those non-existent moments.

I'm not one of your stories, I can't stay.

But I promised you a tangible goodbye; a story I want you to carry with you, until you're ready to let me go once and for all.

Fresh tears spread across his face, as he tried to rub them out of the way, worried that he'd ruin the letter. L. Joe knew he was hurting; he knew he was suffering. He was reading those messages, even if he wasn't answering.

He shook the envelope, knowing that the weight in the bottom of it, must be the 'tangible goodbye' the letter promised him. A small USB dropped into his palm, which he eyed curiously. He plugged it into his laptop. There was only 1 file. It was an mp3 file, and Chunji instantly knew what this had to be.

He clicked on his mouse, rapidly, transferring the song onto his iPod within minutes. He lay there, the song on repeat, endlessly. He cried, again, not that it really surprised him. All he did these days was cry over L. Joe. Cry about the best friend he'd lost. Cry about the love he had that was plainly unrequited. But there was something soothing about the song, it calmed him even if it couldn't dry his tears.

It sounded like it was made by amateurs. It sounded a little too generic, and yet it still felt so special to him. He lived and breathed that song for days afterwards. The first few bars could draw a small smile out of him; it was the closest he'd felt to being happy since L. Joe left.

And he was only happy now, because in a way, it felt like he'd gotten a piece of him back.

- -

Still, despite his new found friend, in the form of a song constantly perched atop Chunji's lips; reverberating in his ears, he still found himself burrowed away in his apartment. His university was on holidays, so he had all the free time in the world, to do as he pleased. But without L. Joe around, that was tantamount to nothing.

He was kind of hoping that he'd just be able to sleep until university resumed. He didn't really want to go anywhere or see anyone. Because the one person he longed for, wanted nothing to do with him.

That's why he was kind of annoyed when he heard a loud banging on his front door. He flipped the lock impatiently, not even bothering to open the door for his guests, before he dived under his blanket cocoon on the lounge.

Clearly having heard the distinctive click his lock had made when he undid it, whoever was coming into his apartment, tried the doorknob for themselves, finding that the door flew open, easily. “Okay, I can take it from here. Thanks CAP.” Niel said, waving the older boy off with a dismissive flick of the wrist.

CAP ignored the gesture, looking into the apartment, once, as though he expected something to jump out and attack the younger boy. Niel couldn't work out why CAP was taking such an intense interest in what he was doing; he'd had to spend the better part of hours, bugging him just to get CAP to take him to Chunji's apartment. He would've gone round by himself, since it would have been much easier, but he had no idea where Chunji lived, and CAP refused to give him the address, and L. Joe... well.... “Are you sure? You want me to come get you later?”

Niel shook his head, thumb pointing behind him into Chunji's apartment, “Nah, I'll get Chunji to drop me off. He's got a car. See you round” he said, shutting the door behind CAP's retreating back, before turning back in the direction of the lounge, and the lump, he assumed was Chunji, hands sliding down to rest on his hips.

Clearly Chunji was taking it worse than L. Joe thought. But then again, so was L. Joe.

He stormed over, trying to tug the blanket free from Chunji's grip, and pull it down over his head, but Chunji wasn't having a bar of it. Niel hadn't realised how much stronger than him, Chunji actually was, and as he tried to brace himself, to drag the blanket free, he slipped over, landing in an awkward pile on the floor. Chunji didn't so much as look up.

Niel sighed, not sure whether he was expecting this sort of reaction from the older boy or not. Realising he wasn't going to get anywhere, trying to use force on the older boy, he picked himself up off the floor, settling onto the lounge, barely missing Chunji's covered head. He struggled to remove his shoes, so he could put his feet up on Chunji's coffee table, figuring that if the other boy couldn't see what he was doing, there was no chance of him getting in trouble.

Chunji unwrapped his head slightly, to get a look at who was intruding into his space, but when the familiar face of Niel swam into his vision, he shuffled a little further up the lounge, so he could rest his head on Niel's thigh, instead of the lounge cushion.

Niel looked down at him with one eyebrow raised, in query, “Are you sure you really want to be that close to my crotch?”

Chunji shrugged, closing his eyes again, tiredly, replying, “It's better than being close to everyone else's asses, from when they sat on my lounge” almost managing a small smile at his own comment.

Niel supposed he couldn't argue with that, his left hand moving down to play with Chunji's fringe, distractedly. He was good with other people, he knew he wouldn't need to push to get Chunji to talk to him. A gentle prod and a few moments of silence, and he'd have Chunji letting everything out, to form a puddle on his lounge room floor.

Sure enough, under the gentle touch, Chunji couldn't keep his thoughts and feelings bottled up within himself anymore. He may have felt alone, but he wanted to talk to someone else so badly; someone that might've seen L. Joe and heard something about all of this from the other boy's perspective was even better for him. “Why did he do that? Why did he have to...?” he murmured, unable to raise his voice, knowing it would crack.

“He hasn't said.” Niel responded, honestly. Back and forth his fingers moved, slowly, in a soft rhythm only he knew. Chunji allowed himself to sink into it; getting wrapped up in it as another two tears broke free from behind his closed eyelids. “He misses you” he commented, idly, unsure if the message would mean much to the boy before him.

But a wobbly smile formed on Chunji's lips, as he opened his eyes, a crack, to meet those of his young friend, who was trying to comfort him so sweetly. “I miss him too” he answered sniffing, to try and stop his nose from running. He sat up, still wrapped in his blankets, but now facing Niel.

He didn't feel like moping around when he had company.

Niel observed him, resting his arm over his knee, as he considered his next words. “L. Joe... he's a good person. He clearly thinks that what he's doing is for the best, though whether he means for himself, you or the both of you, I can't tell.” he stated, carefully.

Chunji smiled, though Niel could clearly see that it was a sad smile. He was still very hurt by the whole thing. He'd tried to tell L. Joe that, but the younger boy was adamant that he needed to do this, even if he refused to explain why. “How is he?”

“About the same as you.” Niel said with a laugh.

The two boys drifted off into silence for a moment before Niel continued. “I don't like being in the middle of this. I have no idea what's going on, but I can see what it's doing to the both of you. Whatever is lurking between you two, whatever happened, you need to sort it out. I think you both need each other, and it's only now that you're apart that it's becoming clear just how hollow you are without one another.”

“You make it sound like we were going out and broke up. Like we're in love with one another.” Chunji stated, shifting uncomfortably.

Niel shrugged, eyeing Chunji with a knowing look, that told Chunji he probably suspected more than he was saying. “It's not for me to say what was between you two. But you're good for each other; it's not healthy to keep you apart. You need the other to be around.”

“You say that, but it's so much easier to say than to act upon. I don't even know what's going on either. I think the only one that has any idea what's happening is L. Joe.” Chunji explained, getting a little annoyed by that fact. He was hurting and suffering and L. Joe didn't even have the decency to let him in on what was happening. He wasn't collateral damage; he was one of the people involved in this; he deserved to know what had gone wrong.

“That's never a good thing. His mind works so strangely and he's so stubborn... Have you tried talking to him about it?” Niel enquired, pensively. He wanted to help them sort this matter out. He was genuinely worried about the both of them; they didn't seem to be handling the situation well, but he suspected that if they could just start talking again, everything would go back to normal.

“Tried? Sure. Succeeded? Not even close. I call; he doesn't answer. I text; he won't reply. I message him on MSN; he refuses to sign in, or he just plain ignores them. I pass by his house, but he's never there. How much more would you have me do?” Chunji demanded, irately, rubbing at his eyes in his frustration.

“Hmm... I suppose I could try talking to him. He's stubborn as a mule, but I think I can twist his arm; get him to explain himself.” Niel suggested, but he sounded as doubtful ad Chunji felt, that his plan would solve anything.

No one could make L. Joe do something that he didn't want to do. Not Chunji. Not even Niel.

Chunji sighed, “I'm sick of talking about L. Joe. I'm sick of thinking about him. Can we talk about something else?” he groaned.

Niel nodded, but he looked unconvinced. Chunji didn't blame him. “They've been making me start work for next year, the last few weeks. They said I could drop a subject, if I wanted to, and I'm finding my Business Studies class to be really boring. Do you think I should drop it?”

Chunji paused, not really having expected Niel's question, blinking at him confused. “Well... are you any good at Business Studies?” “Not really.” “Do you enjoy it?” “No.” “Do you need it for the course you're going to apply for?” “No.”

“Well, then I think it'd be okay for you to drop it.” Chunji answered uncertainly. Niel looked relieved, “Okay then. I'll go fill out the forms on Monday.”

Chunji stared at the other boy, surprised. “You mean you're actually going to listen to my advice?”

Niel gave the other boy a weird look, “Well sure. Why else would I ask you?”

“I dunno. Did you ask CAP about this or... someone else? Did they agree?” Chunji pressed, unable to believe that the other boy would actually listen to what his opinion was. His old friends would always ask his opinion about things, but they were only ever looking for him to agree with their own thoughts. If he ever made a serious suggestion, they'd just ignore it; pretending that he hadn't even spoken.

“No. I just asked you. L. Joe told me once that I could trust your advice, so if I ever had a problem, I should ask you.” Niel confided with a shrug. The mention of the other boy again, made Chunji ache, but also made him feel warm; happy. He liked the thought that L. Joe cared enough to talk about him, like that. Like he admired him.

“Really?” Chunji questioned, unable to keep the small bit of hope out of his voice. He so wanted to believe that L. Joe had praised him. He wanted something to cling to, some act he'd never heard of to do with the now absent boy.

Niel nodded. “He said that you were honest. Trustworthy. I think he really admires you” he confided, unable to miss the dazed smile that landed on Chunji's lips, even as his tears resurfaced. He rubbed at his cheeks angrily, turning the skin an irate pink, due to the agitation.

Niel leaned closer, eagerly, “Hey, L. Joe once told me that you were older than he was. Just how much older are you?”

“About 6 months.” Chunji answered, instinctively. Niel nodded, eyeing Chunji suspiciously, before he pressed on with his next question.

“You like him, don't you?” Niel stated, almost as though he was so certain of the answer, that Chunji need not have bothered answering. All the same he tipped his head, in a slight bobble, to indicate his agreement, certain his cheeks had probably darkened, to an even more blotchy pink from his embarrassment at Niel finding out about his feelings.

A cheeky smile popped onto his features as he questioned, “So then, did the two of you ever....?” delighting in Chunji's scandalised look, as he attempted to smack him with a nearby pillow for his indecent insinuations.