This was the hardest part. After the funeral, we had to clean everything away. Packing those boxes with his things in it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.It took every inch of self control I had not to start throwing his belongings around the room in anger. I was so angry at him for taking his own life like that. Didn’t he know how hard it was going to be on me and Mum? Didn’t he know that it would cause people all around the world to suffer?

He was so selfish, so damned selfish for doing what he did. And I hated him so much for it. I just wanted him back with me. I let out a shuddered breath as I packed away his tidied files and neatly placed photos of his group ‘Super Junior’ that he kept lined up on his desk all the times.

I found that I couldn’t even look at the pictures. I threw them hastily into the box, not wanting to have to see his face so alive, young and happy. I just couldn’t take looking at it right now. After I had successfully put away everything on his desk, I unlocked his draw with the key he always kept under his flower pot.

There wasn’t much point in hiding that key anyway since we all knew where it was. Even he knew that we knew where he kept it. I opened the drawer and stared into it, my heart flipping at what I saw.

Inside the drawer was a sealed letter with my name, Shin, hastily written on the front. My job of packing was forgotten in an instant as I pulled the letter out with shaking hands. I wanted to know, I wanted to read it, but my shaking hands were making it difficult for me to get it open, let alone hold it in place.

I ripped the top open clumsily and pulled out the note. On it was a short message written messily, tear stains blurring some of the words.

Shin,

There are so many things that I want to tell you. I want you to know that I was always proud of you. When you were growing up, I know that I wasn’t around for you, and I know I hurt you because of that. I tried my best though, but it never seemed like enough. One minute you were too small to walk on your own, the next you were running in races and winning first place. Where did I go wrong, Shin? Do you hate me for that? I bet you do. I wouldn’t blame you at all for it, either. I was never a good dad like I should’ve been, was I? 

I remember when you were sixteen and you first told me you wanted to become a singer. I was too harsh, I told you that there was no way that was going to happen. But, please believe me when I say I was just worried. I wanted you to have the best life possible. Eventually though, I had to give in. The way you looked at me with those pleading eyes just made me crack. I realised that this was what you wanted above everything else, so I gave in. Were you happy? Relieved?

You worked so hard when you were training. I remember sometimes coming in to watch you and see how you were doing. Was it difficult? I can imagine it was. I wished I could’ve danced with you, sung with you, acted with you… but things just didn’t turn out that way.

When you debuted as the Maknae of your group, I was so happy for you. You and I were so busy that I couldn’t even see you until a month after you debuted, but I want you to know that I was happy for you. And I know you suffered a lot because of me. For that, I’m so, so sorry. I know how badly you were treated just because you were my son. I hated seeing you so upset like that. I watched every broadcast with you on it. You looked so tired, Shin. Were you that exhausted?

You tried so hard during those years. For me, you were perfect. Not a word that was said about you was true. You had so much talent it almost radiated off you. But they still said that you got into the group just with your connections. It must’ve hurt. Maybe if I wasn’t your father, you would’ve had an easier time.

It broke my heart when I saw you losing confidence in yourself. I had to watch as my own flesh and blood, my own son, became more and more withdrawn from the world, worried to even stand out because of the fans.

People are scary, aren’t they Shin?

In the end, you proved them wrong. You proved you had talent and no one could deny it. You are the best dancer I have ever seen up on stage. I admire you so much. You’re so courageous and I think if I were you, I couldn’t do what you did. You’re so strong, Shin. When did you get so strong like that? It was probably your mother’s influence, not mine. I was never strong.

I’m not strong enough to even watch you grow, fall in love, bring home a girlfriend, get married, have kids… I want to see it. Believe me, I do.

Make me a promise, will you? When you find someone you really love, bring her to my grave. I want to meet her, Shin. I want to see your children, too. I bet they’ll be beautiful. I know you’ll be a better father than me.

No words will ever explain how much my only son means to me. But what I can say is that I love you. I want the best for you and I hope you’re happy. I hope you can make the people around you happy. Because God knows, I couldn’t. I could never make anyone happy. Because of what happened back then...

If miracles did happen, I would go back and do it right this time. If only I could turn back time… God, please let me turn back time.

I fell to the floor, my shaking legs not able to hold me upright anymore, clenching onto the letter like it was my life line. Is that what he really thought? Did he really think he was that bad of a person? That I hated him? I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend anything right now.

I cried so hard that I couldn’t even see through my tears. Everything was a mess, I couldn’t do this.

It was just so, so hard…

*

It had been a month since my Dad died, but it still felt like it was just yesterday. Whenever someone would mention my Dad, my heart felt like it was ripping apart. Slowly though, very, very slowly, I was beginning to become accustomed to not having him in my life anymore.

I was used to being alone, but being alone and knowing that that person isn’t there is… it’s horrible.

That one month anniversary found me standing in front of my Dad’s grave for the first time since the burial. I didn't have the courage to visit earlier, but I thought not going would be disrespectful I kneeled onto the grass in front of his grave, the letter he wrote folded in my pocket.

“Hi Dad. It’s already been a month. Can you believe that? Time moves so quickly. Mum’s doing okay, she’s upset of course, but she’s okay. Me? Well, I guess I’m okay too,” I spoke softly, looking at the ground beneath me. I didn’t want to look up at the tombstone, I wasn’t brave enough.

“Oh yeah, I read the letter you gave me,” I mentioned, pulling it out of my pocket and skimming the words briefly. “I never thought you were a bad father, you know? Yeah, sometimes I got irritated at you, but I never thought you were bad to me. I loved you no matter what.” I scrunched my lips together, not knowing what else to say. On the bus ride here, it felt like I had days worth of material to talk about, but now I was here nothing would come out.

“Oh, I forgot to ask, but what do you mean when you say you want to turn back time? What did you do wrong? I’ve read this note hundreds of times but I still can’t understand it. I wish you could tell me…”

I ran a hand lazily through my hair. I just wanted him to wake up already…

All of a sudden, a wave of tiredness hit me out of nowhere. My eyes were closing against my will and my body was shutting down before I could react and try to stop it. It was my overwhelming panic that guided me to look up to my Dad’s tombstone, his voice ringing in my ears…

 If miracles did happen, I would go back and do it right this time. If only I could turn back time… God, please let me turn back time.