Once we were sitting and sipping on our coffees, Hyomin opened to ask something, then stopped, deliberating.

“What is it?” I asked, curious.

“It’s just, you’re a trainee at S.M entertainment, right?”

I blinked a few times. “Yeah, I am. How did you know?

She smiled sheepishly. “When you first came here, you asked directions for how to get there, remember? I’m not sure if you do remember but – I was the one at the reception desk that time. And I just recognised you because you were trying to hard to not be noticed – it was kind of funny,” she said, then laughed at the memory.

Her laugh was soft, like she was trying to be reserved and polite.

I smiled, “I remember. It was a bit overkill of me to be worried about being noticed, though. I haven’t even debuted yet.”

She nodded and stirred her drink. “It must be hard.”

I let out a sad, soft laugh, thinking of what I had been told earlier. “My vocal teacher told me to give up today. He said that I just didn’t have the talent to be a star, and that my singing was horrible. Maybe he’s right, and I should look for some other options, you know? But I really, really want this.”

I mulled over my own thoughts, getting stuck in a mental rut.

Everything the anti’s had said to me resonated in my mind: ‘untalented, a waste of space, unneeded’. I just got in because of my father’s reputation, not because of my hard work. They probably felt pressured since they were close with Leeteuk to at least let me debut. They probably didn’t even think our group would make it, since I was in it. Since I was just a waste of space to them, anyway…

 Hyomin stayed quiet for a minute, studying her drink, frowning. There was a tense silence, and I fiddled with my fingers and the paper cup, ripping up the lid in my hands.

“Why do you want to become an idol?” she asked, breaking the silence between us.

Despite all my negativity, a small smile spread on my lips at the thought of standing on stage. “For my Dad,” I said honestly. “And because dancing is the most important thing to me – besides my family. I can’t live without them both, that’s why I need this.”

Hyomin smiled at my answer and nodded, draining the last drops from her cup. “Well, just keep thinking about your family and dancing, then. Keep reminding yourself of your dream, and don’t give up. So what if your singing teacher told you to give up, go tell her to get stuffed!”

Laughing, my bad mood lifted a little from her words. I imagined telling my teacher to get stuffed, and the look on her face would be priceless.

“I’m sure she’d love hearing that. She’d probably freak out – I doubt anyone’s ever spoken back to her before, she’s just so sour.” 

“See?” Hyomin said, “Don’t listen to what others say. If you think you can do it, do it. If you think you can’t do it, do it anyway. At least, I’ll be rooting for you, okay?”

I finished my coffee and smiled at her, feeling so much better now that I’d come here and let out my frustrations to someone besides Kang for once. I needed a friend, someone with an ear to listen when things got hard, so I wouldn’t let myself get stuck in a depressed mood. I needed someone I didn’t know, just a stranger to me in the future, so I wasn’t scared to talk to them.

“Sorry for loading this all on you when we don’t even know each other that well,” I said. “And thank you, really, I feel so much better having talked to you.”

“Come downstairs sometime from your room. Maybe we can have a chat again or something?”

“Yeah, that’d be good.”

Smiling, I waved her goodbye and went back to my room, my spirits lifted. This whole time I thought I could do it alone, but after that short talk with Hyomin, I realised I needed someone more than ever. I couldn’t just hope to never talk to anyone and keep everything to myself and keep going.

I needed to let off the steam, to my friends, cry on their shoulders… I missed my friends back home so much, but now that I was here, I had to make the most of it and meet people like Hyomin. I thought maybe Hyomin and I could be friends, seeing as she gave me the best advice I’d ever heard.

Stuff other people.

Their opinions don’t matter.

Because I am going to make it.

I am going to become an idol, no matter if anyone says I’m talentless or can’t do it.

Once back in my room, I my camera, which I only did for special occasions, and flicked through the pictures, becoming emotional after seeing all my friends and family. I was doing this so I could come back to them. I was doing this so I could see my father smile, because I loved him more than anyone else in the world, and he deserved to smile. I would find out what was wrong with him, and I would let him know that it was okay.

I would let him know that I would love him no matter what, and always be there to support him.

And I would tell him I didn’t want him to go, because I needed him by my side.

And I would tell him I love him, one more time, and a million times after that, because I could.