Night time was the worst time for me. At night, I only had myself and my thoughts to keep my company. I missed my Mum, Dad, group members, my friends and home. I was so alone here. There was no one I could really talk to like a friend. Sure, I had Kang, but we weren’t that close. He was more of a mentor for me rather than anything else.

Sometimes I cried to myself at night when I realised I was alone… so completely alone. No one knew me here. In their eyes, Park Shin didn’t exist in this world. I was never meant to. I thought about my father a lot, too. I would try to figure out the exact reason why he was so depressed in the first place.

I knew that it was connected to Super Junior and its disbandment somehow, but I felt like I was missing a piece of the puzzle. I felt like there was something else that I was missing but I just couldn’t figure it out no matter how hard I tried. I felt so frustrated that I didn’t have the answers. I couldn’t work it out right now, but I was going to. I would uncover the truth. 

The first month was the hardest. I had to celebrate my 21^st birthday alone. I had never celebrated a birthday alone before, and it was much harder than I expected. I got a happy birthday from Kang, but it just wasn’t the same as hearing it from my parents. I mean, I was half-used to being alone on my birthdays since my parents weren’t exactly around all that much, but knowing that there was no one I could call was really taking its toll on me. It was that day that I missed being back home the most. I treated myself to a meat bun, but that was about the extent of my celebrations.

Happy birthday to me.

I had saved up a bit of money by now and was finally able to go out and buy some new clothing to keep me warm. Kang had often remarked how I wore the same clothing everyday when I first started working, but by now he was used to it. I think he picked up on my situation a bit and was more understanding and tactful as time went on.

I now had an adequate amount of food to eat, but I still definitely didn’t eat as much as I had in the past. I noticed that I had lost quite a bit of weight, but as long as I wasn’t starving, I was happy. I had to learn to survive completely on my own. It was such a foreign concept to me still, being alone. I was incredibly lonely and I hadn’t had a conversation with anyone besides my boss and a few receptionists in a month.

I was really lacking physical affection but I couldn’t just go up to Kang and ask for a hug, he just wasn’t that type of guy. I just had to keep going and going without stopping. It would all be worth it in the end.

The audition date was looming and I found myself getting more and more anxious. The nerves were really racking up and negative words and thoughts began swirling around in my head. What if I can’t get in? People always said that I was only accepted into the company because of my connections… They were right. I know they’re right. How can I do this? There’s no way I’ll ever pass these auditions. I was too old. No matter how good I was at dancing, they wouldn’t want me because I was too old.    

I finally ended up forcing myself not to think that way. I began thinking of it as a challenge instead. This was my chance to prove that I can do something. There were no expectations in this world and no one to hold me back from achieving the best I could. This would be my challenge to finally prove to myself whether I have talent or not. This would show them that I really was talented.

I could do this. I would do this.

I began to worry over the course of the days about the future and how I was going to manipulate it. Honestly, I was a bit hesitant about doing anything that could alter the future. When I thought about it though, I was already changing everything just by existing. I was here and there was nothing I could do about it, so I figured I might as well enjoy it while I was here.

I ended up filming my dance moves in the garage with Kang’s video camera. I had to keep doing it again and again until I was sweating profusely. It had to be perfect. I must’ve danced at least twenty times that day before I got what I deemed was the perfect dance. With shaking hands, I sealed the tape in an envelope and dropped it into the mailbox.

This was a deciding factor for my future. I just hoped to hell I was going to be good enough in the judge’s eyes. Every time I walked past S.M, I felt a stabbing sensation assault my stomach. I was so frightened that things wouldn’t turn out well. I was half expecting them just throw me out as soon as I would walk into the audition.

The date for the audition was coming up much faster than I would’ve liked, and before I knew it, there was only one day until the audition. Trying to get to sleep that night was like trying to fit a square trough a circle. It just didn’t work. I kept tossing and turning around, thinking of my parents and how I was going to approach them if I saw them.

I vowed to myself that I would not, under any circumstance and no matter how happy I was, run up to them and give them a hug. That would be a sure fire way of pushing them away. I would act natural and befriend them… well that was the plan anyway. I must’ve eventually fallen asleep at some stage since I was woken by the shrill cries of my alarm clock, signalling the start of the auditions.

I was going to this.